Good. Better. Best. Which self do you want to be?

Principles of Attraction

Attraction is the ability to consistently draw the best things in life towards you: opportunities, strong finances, rewarding relationships, whatever you define as 'the best things'. Additionally, it means to draw them forth effortlessly, without striving, scuffling or struggling.

Thomas J. Leonard has developed 28 Principles of Attraction in his book "The Portable Coach". (Visit Amazon.Com).

Starting with Issue 31 of The 3-Minute Coach, I took one principle and highlighted its key points. This is a compilation of those newsletter summaries up to the point where the newsletters are.

For a pdf version of all 28 principles, email the Attraction autoresponder .

The 28 Principles
1. Become incredibly selfish	2. Unhook yourself from the future
3. Over-respond to every event	4. Build a superreserve in every area
5. Add value just for the joy of it	6. Affect others profoundly
7. Market your talents shamelessly	8. Become irresistibly attractive to yourself
9. Get a fulfilling life, not just an impressive lifestyle	10. Deliver twice what you promise
11. Create a vacuum that pulls you forward	12. Eliminate delay
13. Get your personal needs met once and for all	14. Thrive on the details
15. Tolerate nothing	16. Show others how to please you
17. Endorse your worst weaknesses	18. Sensitize yourself
19. Perfect your environment	20. Develop more character than you need
21. See how perfect the present really is	22. Become an unconditionally constructive person
23. Orient yourself around your values	24. Simplify everything
25. Master your craft	26. Recognize and tell the truth

Principle #1

Become Incredibly Selfish

Without you, there is nothing, and attraction isn't possible.

CLARIFICATION

Let's get rid of the problem with the word selfish right away. What we have traditionally called selfish is really self-centeredness. That is a negative trait. Being selfish is not about putting yourself first. It is about putting your needs right up there next to everyone else's. That's a very different animal.

KEY POINTS

This principle is really about self care and self love. To be selfish in the best possible sense, adopt the concept of extreme self care.
The real value of becoming selfish is to allow your gifts room to develop.
Remember the guidelines on safety instructions on airlines. Put your mask on before putting your child's mask on. You can't take care of your child (or others) if you don't.
Start thinking in terms of 'what's good for me AND them?'
When it's working, you'll feel less pulled by your roles and will be able to give more freely, from choice and not responsibility.

Principle #2

Unhook Yourself From The Future

Attraction works in the present. Not in the future.

CLARIFICATION

This does not mean don't plan for the future or don't have a vision or goals. It means that once you have defined where you want to go, get back and live in the present. The future is created with each choice you make now. If you are living in the future, you're not paying attention to the choices you make now. This seldom results in the future you are looking for.

KEY POINTS

Pay attention to your feelings. If you're feeling guilt, you're living in the past. If you're feeling fear or worry, you're living in the future.
Make the journey as important as the destination.
If you find yourself drifting away from the present, gently bring yourself back by saying something like "This moment is about [xxx ex: writing this newsletter.] I'll think about or deal with that at the appropriate time." The more often you bring yourself back to the present, the easier it becomes to STAY in the present.
Rapid assimilation of new ideas, not tenacious loyalty to old plans, is what makes the future arrive magnificently. It is far better to become an in-the-moment learner than an expert planner. Adaptability is the master skill. Embrace it.
Stop using If/When formulas. They usually indicate living in the future (or sometimes the past). For example, "When I lose weight, then I will have more energy." This leads you to believe that what you want is conditional or hinges on some thing, event or person. It is much better to reframe such statements into something like "I feel really, really good about losing weight." Can you see how it brings you back to the present and energizes the statement? Start listening for those If/When statements and change them pronto!

Principle #3

Over-respond to every event.

By over-responding instead of over-reacting, you evolve, which is very attractive.

CLARIFICATION

When one reacts to a situation, there is usually an element of fear or desperation. Something must be done NOW to avoid negative consequences. When you respond to a situation, however, there is an element of time involved which means you can adjust your response as you go, creating new dimensions and/or improving it.

Responding takes care of the problem and helps you develop a good way of dealing with the same problem in the future. Over-responding gets to the root of the problem and solves it forever. I actually prefer the term 'deep responding' as that conjures up an image of the root system of a problem.

Responding is a better place to come from than reacting. However, of the three, over-responding allows us to live the simplest life of all as the problem is totally eliminated.

An example might help to understand this concept. Last summer, we were driving back and forth to Pennsylvania quite a bit. Because of the odd hours we were driving, we picked a route through Massachusetts, New York, New Jersey and Pennsylvania that was heavy on tolls. The "problem" was that we had to stop at every toll booth, usually in a long line to give the toll money. Reacting to this usually meant getting frustrated and digging for money. Over-reacting usually meant getting angry. A good response would have been to have all the tolls ready in little baggies or something. But we choose to over-respond by getting one of the "Fast Track" gadgets which allow you to go through the toll (usually the one with no line) and to have the amount deducted from our pre-paid 'balance'. This made the problem "go away" and resulted in much more harmonious trips.

KEY POINTS

There is an element of time involved. The goal is also to respond quickly, but be clear that you are 'responding' and not 'reacting'. Become aware of your responses. You will quickly see the difference between a response and a reaction. A reaction happens in your head; a response happens in your gut.
Every time you're surprised, make a significant personal change. Surprise is usually a good indication that a response, a solution, is needed.
Look for at least 5 choices in every situation. This helps you from just going on auto-pilot and reacting the way you always have. Once you get to see 5 choices, you can pick one that looks like it will have a different outcome, one that you would prefer.
Make over-responding a personal strategy. This keeps the creative juices flowing, and that's very exciting. I always remember Steve Martin's character in "My Blue Heaven". He didn't believe in tipping; he believed in over-tipping. That caught my attention at the time and made me look at the results of his over-tipping. It certainly seemed to get him the results he wanted.
Turn every problem into a nonrecurring event. Think of a problem and then take up to ten steps so that it (or anything like it) never happens again. One of the benefits of over-responding is that you can become a problem-free zone.

Principle #4

Build a superreserve in every area

Having enough is not nearly enough for you to be irresistibly attractive.

CLARIFICATION

This is not about hoarding, but about feeling secure. It's about having enough (time, money, whatever) to respond to opportunities that present themselves. And it's not just about material things, but about time, space, love and other intangibles as well.

KEY POINTS

Reserve is a feeling; Reserves are a stockpile. You're going for the feeling, not the stockpile.
When you have enough (of what you need) to notice and schedule opportunities, that's a reserve. When you have enough to respond in the moment that you notice the opportunity, that's a superreserve.
Start anywhere. You'll be surprised at the impact that a 3 to 6 month supply of toilet paper, paper towels, soap, or any other household item will have.
Become an investor rather than a spender. The essence of this change is to redirect existing resources.
Giving yourself more space also creates a reserve. It gives a feeling of roominess and can be obtained in many ways: clean out closets, get rid of shoulds, abandon roles you never chose or just take more vacations!

Special Offer: For a free 100-point SuperReserve assessment, send a blank email to: reserves04@touchpointcoaching.com

Principle #5

Add value just for the joy of it.

When you add value because you enjoy it, people are naturally attracted to you.

CLARIFICATION

In every key relationship of your life (and that includes customers, clients, business associates as well as family and friends), adding value for the joy of it will produce success in all areas of your life. The key is to provide value to others at little - or no - cost to you. This is not about sacrifice, but about developing life-long relationships by giving others what they value in a manner that keeps you feeling positive.

KEY POINTS

Make sure you find out what the other person places value on, then give them that. Don't assume that what you consider value is what they consider value.
Wherever possible, tie their 'added value' back to your core values. These are qualities that you already love to express, so they are cost-free when your added value is tied to them.
This is an easier, and often, more productive, way to sell than "selling", which is often convincing people to buy what you have, and not providing value they need or want.
Be creative. Customize what you have to perfectly fit what another wants.
You will know you are doing this 'right' when you start noticing and appreciating others who are adding value to you.

Principle #6

Affect others profoundly.

The more you touch others, the more attractive you'll become.

CLARIFICATION

People who are skillful and practiced at helping people feel alive and connected are more attractive, more sought after, better remembered. When something you say or do touches someone, they are certain to store that positive associate somewhere in their hearts and minds. Since we generally affect others anyway, more than we generally realize, why not aim to tap into your abilities in this arena and affect them profoundly?

As Dale Carnegie expresses it: "You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you."

KEY POINTS

Profound vs. Helpful. Helpful gives someone what they seek; profound gives them something bigger than they knew was possible.
Listen and point out the special gifts, traits or talents of the other person. And what if you did this during EVERY conversation you have? It would mean trusting that your needs will be met (which is how we usually listen to others, with our needs in mind), but opens up incredible possibilities.
Listen and respond in kind to the underlying emotion of the other person. Facts and information are valuable but are rarely profound. Pay attention to when you feel heard. Isn't it when the other person hears 'under' what you're saying to how you're saying it, what's going on for you underneath? Think about giving that gift to others, consistently!
Remind people who they are instead of just complimenting them on what they've done. We all have a need to be acknowledged and accepted for who we are. While it's nice to have someone tell us we've done a good job, it' s much more critical for personal evolution (ours and theirs) to focus on the 'who' instead of the 'what'.
Don't try to affect others profoundly. Key word here is 'try'. (Hmmm.. sound familiar?) When we try to affect others, we usually end up ticking them off. Just be yourself, allowing yourself to show freely how much you care for others and share your knowledge with those who want it.

Principle #7

Market your talents shamelessly.

If you're embarrassed about what you do well, you won't be very attractive.

CLARIFICATION

Most people think of attraction as a 'passive' process, but in fact, it's very much an 'active' process - based on planting seeds, adding value, telling (versus selling), responding, and yes, marketing! The difference is that when you're attractive, these activities don't feel like work! A key component here is that your are marketing your talents, not yourself. That's a very fine distinction to draw, but is the difference between confidence and arrogance. Arrogance is definitely NOT attractive!

KEY POINTS

Know exactly what you provide (or deliver) to others, and be able to articulate it. Work on this until it becomes completely comfortable.
Make it impossible for potential buyers not to buy, or leave with something! People get 'ready' to buy at different times, after different exposures. If they're not ready for the 'whole kit and caboodle' right now, what other packages, costing less in money and time, do you have to offer? And what free offering can you give to help people remember your name - and the value you can provide?
Feel incredibly proud of what you do and what you have to offer. If you don't you'll have a difficult time attracting others to partake of what you do. If you don't love what you do, ask yourself some hard questions and answer them honestly.

Principle #8

Become irresistibly attractive to yourself.

How can you attract others if you don't feel irresistibly attractive to yourself?

CLARIFICATION

Feeling attractive to yourself is healthy and self-affirming. Being enamored is a step toward being narcissistic, which is very unhealthy and self-defeating.

Another way to look at this is the difference between "proud" and "pride": Being proud of yourself (as a parent feels about a child) is empowering. Having pride means you're so convinced of being right that you can't learn from others, which depletes your power

KEY POINTS

It takes courage to look at the items that get in the way of being attractive to yourself. Remember, they are only items on a list! Start looking at them objectively and you'll be able to deal with them.
Stop doing what is bad for you and start doing what nourishes you. Acknowledge yourself as valuable and then give yourself the care that something valuable deserves. Do this in all four arenas of life: mental, emotional, spiritual and physical.
Stop trying to meet others' expectations of you and start meeting your own. Become aware of the "shoulds" in your life. 99% of the time, these are other people's expectations. Let these go as quickly as you can.
Stop comparing yourself to others and start identifying your own measures. Reference points are fine, but when you use these points to build up (or tear down) your self esteem you become dependent. And being dependent is definitely not attractive!
Stop trying to become "somebody" and just be yourself. This isn't about not developing yourself. It's about trying to be somebody else.

Principle #9

Get a fulfilling life, not just an impressive lifestyle.

A great life is attractive; a lifestyle is usually seductive.

CLARIFICATION

I believe the major distinction between a "life" and a "lifestyle" is in the "why" of it. Are you doing/living something because of how it makes you feel? Or because of how it will look to others? The first is a life. The second is a lifestyle.

KEY POINTS

Life and lifestyle are like love and lust. Ideally, they go hand in hand. But if you aren't clear about which is which, it's easy to get confused. Lust can be a great servant of love, or a thief, depending on your instinctual judgment. The same is true of life and lifestyle. The key question to ask yourself? "How much of my life is being consumed by my lifestyle?
A fulfilling life sustains you. You know your lifestyle is 'just' your life when it sustains you and you don't have to 'manage' it.
To get a life means there is room to enjoy. You can have a really big life, and a big lifestyle, but only if the lifestyle isn't costing you excessively in time, emotion, space, risk, pressure, adrenaline. Most people don't have enough of a life to enjoy their lifestyle. And that's how more becomes less.
This extends to people as well as things. Identify who gives you life and who are merely players in your lifestyle.
Knowing your values helps you understand what is truly important to you. Living your life in tune with your values allows for the greatest lifestyle possible!

Principle #10

Deliver twice what you promise.

When you consistently deliver more than was expected, new customers are drawn to you.

CLARIFICATION

When you mater the art of promising less yet delivering more, you'll fulfill much more of your own potential and greatly increase how people value you. This is based on the principle that if you don't crowd yourself with promises (which generally create stress), you're free to reach a lot deeper into your resources for performance. This principle can be applied to ALL your relationships, business and personal.

KEY POINTS

It is possible to deliver twice what you promised without spending twice the time. Innovate!
Being satisfied has now become the norm. The next level, which is now required if you want to be attractive, is to exceed expectations.
Deliver for the pleasure of it, not because you said you would. Keep your focus on why you are promising in the first place, not what you promised. The first focus brings joy and energy, the second stress.
Just do what you can do. Don't say what you can't do. First, this is about actions speaking louder than words. Second, framing everything in terms of what you can do (instead of what you can't) is liberating.
Think about WHY you are making promises in the first place. This can be a very fruitful question. The more insecure we feel, the more we feel the need to promise. When we feel secure, we just do.

Principle #11

Create a vacuum that pulls you forward.

Being pulled forward is attractive; pushing forward is not.

CLARIFICATION

There are actually two ways to attract people, opportunities and other wonderful things to you. One is to become a magnet, and many of the attraction principles are built around the magnet principle. The other way is to create a vacuum or sorts. Both ways work well, and you can alternate between them depending on the situation.

It's also less obvious how to use the pulling power of a vacuum, which you can use wither to pull yourself forward or pull things to you.

KEY POINTS

Think about front-wheel drive cars. It's the same principle. It is much more efficient to be pulled forward by the front wheels than to be pushed by the rear wheels.
There is a difference in our goals when we are focused on pulling rather than pushing. For example, joy, happiness, fulfillment and community are goals that pull you forward, creating a more effortless style of achieving. Money, success, winning, meeting quotas and deadlines are goals that push you forward, which is more expensive emotionally.
I love this distinction: Superconductive vs Energetic. Superconductivity is the absence of resistance. Being energetic is what one does to overcome resistance. To become superconductive, focus on getting clear about needs and values, standards and boundaries, creating reserves and living in harmony with your personal beliefs. You can also put energy into adding value, over-responding and investing in things, but if you focus on being superconductive, you will be much more efficient at these things as well.
Stay focused on your vision. Don't stop having goals, just begin seeing them as stepping stones to your vision. For instance, if your vision is a peaceful, rewarding life, you may have goals around financial independence, career satisfaction, etc. Very often we can get stuck in the lesser goal, but focusing on the bigger vision for your life can pull you out of the mire and allow you, effortlessly, to move forward.
Put yourself around friends and colleagues who bring out your best. When you are surrounded by people who always perform at 'their' best, you naturally gravitate towards performing at 'your' best.

Principle #12

Eliminate Delay.

Time is expensive and using too much is very unattractive.

CLARIFICATION

30 years ago, Federal Express proved a major point to business worldwide. Overnight delivery is worth a premium! It helps people get things done more quickly, more efficiently, more competitively. Because time really IS worth money. While there may be times when it feels like we've over-learned this lesson, it still is a valuable one. Delay is unattractive, both personally and professionally. It's also something you can do something about on a practical basis, and right away!

KEY POINTS

Become a person who responds immediately to others' requests. It builds trust and confidence. People are reassured by immediate response, even if you cannot perform the needed action immediately. Acknowledge others as soon as humanly possible.
Refuse to wait for things; become demanding. Don't allow the delay of others to cut down YOUR response time or slow up your creative process.
Learn quickly. Integrate changes immediately and respond accordingly. This is a major factor in success. Apply the 'eliminate delay' concept to your thinking. In other words, learn the lesson and move on.
Reduce "personal processing time" by eliminating fear-based delays. Having a reserve is one of the best ways to reduce fear. Reserves work because they reduce the consequences - perceived or actual - of threat or risk, and threat or risk produce fear. The biggest result of fear is usually delay. See the connection?
Automate your responses so you don't have to be there. The idea here is to think about why people are contacting you and give them the answers they are looking for immediately. It's an obvious solution today with autoresponders, specialized phone numbers and mailboxes. But you can apply this to other areas of your life as well. For example, leaving the cell phone on while I'm out of the house makes it easier for my husband to contact me if necessary.

Principle #13

Get Your Personal Needs Met Once and For All.

If you have unmet needs, you'll attract others in the same position.

CLARIFICATION

If you're starving, food isn't an option - it's a need. The same is true if you have an unmet personal/emotional need. To really be yourself, especially to be your best self, you MUST get this need satisfied. It's not optional.

KEY POINTS

A want is something you'd like to have, but your life doesn't suffer if you don't get it. A need is something that you must have and when you don't get it, your life is thrown off balance.
There is a difference between a need that is met and a need that is unmet. For example, you have a need to be loved, but you FEEL loved so it's not unmet. When a need is met, you don't find yourself exhibiting destructive behavior in order to get it met.
When your need gets met without your having to repeatedly focus on it, it's being properly satisfied. If you keep "feeding" the need, it's being gratified.
You CAN get all your personal needs met. It is entirely possible to do this in a way that is in harmony with who you are.
There are 4 ways I know to get needs met: For example, if you have an unmet need for acknowledgement you can (1) Ask other people to meet the need by emailing or calling you every day for 2 weeks to let you know why they are grateful you are in their life. (2) Keeping an acknowledgement journal of times people say thank you and of times you feel good about what you have done; (3) Acknowledging someone else every day for two weeks (the same or multiple people); (4) Asking for Divine assistance in getting the need met through meditation or prayer.

To read more on needs, see Newsletter #13

To receive a free inventory to help you identify your needs, send blank email to: needs04@touchpointcoaching.com

Principle #14

Thrive on the Details.

Subtleties, details and nuances are more attractive than the obvious.

CLARIFICATION

Novelists and film directors like to say "God is in the details". That's the essence of this principle. It means the more you start paying attention to the details of a project (or your life), the sooner you'll be able to do something profound with it. Using other terminology, it means that using a micro (small details) approach generates macro (whole system) benefits.

This isn't about becoming lost and obsessed with the details. It's about seeing the links between small details and big movements and understanding that this small detail or action leads to success and in fact, success can't happen without this small detail or action happening.

KEY POINTS

"Think globally, act locally". Let the big picture or macro view inspire you to get the small or micro (read boring or 'unimportant') pieces done. According to Thomas, his magic formula would be 50% micro, 48% system and 2% big picture. Pay just enough attention to macro/big picture so that you understand what details need improving or tweaking and what systems need to be installed to improve those details. The biggest differences emerge from making lots of little differences.
Details usually occur in the present. When you stay in the present, you notice the details and, more importantly, can respond to them while they're still small!
Sometimes we get overwhelmed when we look at the 'big problem' or get lost trying to fix the 'whole thing'. When that happens we lose focus and typically do nothing to fix any part of the problem. Most big problems are made up of many small problems. Identify the individual problems and remember the Pareto principle. 80% of our difficulties come from 20% of the problems. Fix the 20% and then re-evaluate. It could possibly take care of the situation completely or allow everyday problems to disappear so that you have time to address revamping of an entire system.
Details are a great place to exercise another attraction principle: over-responding. They're small, understandable, easily responded to and usually generate immediate feedback. The next time you're surprised by even a slight change in something, over-respond and see what happens.
You'll know you're making progress in this area when you begin to enjoy the details, because you can learn from and leverage them.

Principle #15

Tolerate Nothing.

When you put up with something, it costs you. Costs are expensive and thus unattractive.

CLARIFICATION

Tolerations are things that bug us, sap our energy. These are the things we 'put up with'. Do you have an endless list of things that roll around in your head? Things like "got to call the electrician", "clean my desk" "make that appointment". The bottom line is that tolerations are holes in your personal success cup; they drain away your contentment and good fortune. They drain YOU. They make you feel less attractive to yourself. They may even reflect deeper problems, involving self-esteem, which are serious but also fixable.

Instead of Key Points, I am including a brief exercise for eliminating tolerations (from July 31, 2000 Three-Minute Coach, Issue #1 !!!). You can check out this and other past issues by visiting the Archives Page.

Energize Your Life!

Did you know that it takes energy to NOT do something or to NOT deal with a situation? Every time we put off some task or chore, we start using energy to remember to do it. We also use energy to avoid doing it. Once you start thinking about how many things you are putting up with, it's easy to realize that there is an incredible amount of energy that could be available to you just by addressing these time-drainers. These items are often referred to as tolerations. Here is a simple strategy for zapping your tolerations and freeing up all that energy.

On a clean piece of paper, make a list of all things you are tolerating or 'putting up with'.

These can (and should) be from all areas of your life. They can be big or small. But all of them are probably things that keep running around in your head as "I really need to xxx, I can't stand xxx anymore, etc." Some examples: I really need to: call the electrician, fix the broken light switch, clean off my desk, take the car for a tune-up, finish a report or project, organize my office, unpack, buy shampoo, talk to my boss, I can't stand my son's messy bedroom, the way my neighbor lets stuff pile up in his front yard. You get the idea. Keep writing until you run out of things to write.
For each item, decide the following and take the appropriate action.
- It's totally in my control. Take Nike's advice: JUST DO IT.
- I have influence over this situation. USE YOUR INFLUENCE TO CHANGE IT.
- I have neither control nor influence. TAKE YOURSELF OUT OF THE SITUATION OR ACCEPT IT. Accepting it means there is no longer an emotional involvement. You truly accept it.
Keep plugging at your list until it's gone. Add items as they come to mind or situations arise. Pay attention to those items that are related. Would doing one big thing take care of them all? And it may be helpful to think about what the payoff is for you in not taking care of these items.
Start using this new-found energy to work on your goals and dreams, the things you really feel good about, and that will make you feel good about yourself.

Principle #16

Show others how to please you.

Don't make them guess.

CLARIFICATION

This is fairly self-explanatory. There are two parts, however. The first is to let people know (by telling them) what makes you happiest, what you WANT from them. The second is to be crystal clear about what you NEED from them. They are very different, but both are important to this principle.

KEY POINTS

Request vs Expect. When you request, you ask for things, directly and specifically. When you expect, you hope for something but say nothing. Or worse, you give vague hints.
Specific vs General. Asking for long-stemmed red roses with baby's breath in a crystal vase on Friday is specific. Saying "Get me some flowers, honey" is general. Being specific makes it easy for the other person to please you exactly.
Showing people what you want is even more specific (and more powerful) than telling them.
Tell people what you need from them before it becomes a problem. The simple act of stating your needs reveals how important they are to you. Most people will want to respond to you.
Let people know (by telling them) what they can do that will cause you to adore them. (I love this one!) Assuming you want to adore and fully enjoy someone, and they want to be adored and enjoyed, they'll be open to learning how to make the magic happen.

Principle #17

Endorse your worst weaknesses.

When you can accept and honor the worst part of yourself, you are more accepting of others.

CLARIFICATION

This principle of attraction seems a little off at first glance. The idea is to find a way to love and honor - not just accept - your worst weaknesses and to forget trying to improve on them.

Instead of trying to fix your worst weakness, look to understand what it points to, what it tells you about you. When you see behind the curtain (which is much easier to do if you've decided to give shame a rest), you'll know what the next level of your life should include.

For example, if you feel that your worst weakness is that you are a wimp, it may just be that you are a supersensitive person, which is a real gift. If you feel your worst weakness is that you are insensitive, perhaps you are associating with the wrong people and it's time to freshen up the Rolodex.

KEY POINTS

Weakness vs Fault. A weakness is a lack of something or a feebleness, while a fault is a defect. Weaknesses can be strengthened; flaws must be fixed.
Surrender vs Compensate. When you surrender to a weakness, you accept it and can go on from there to discover what is extraordinary about it. To compensate means to make up for the weakness which is a limiting approach.
Start to look at weaknesses as really great signposts. They can tell you where to go and/or what to focus on next. Use your weaknesses to get rid of role and goal confusion.
Acceptance heals, and that's good. But to actually embrace your weaknesses is to embrace the truth, and doing that will set you free. Big difference. Get it working for you.
You'll know you're making progress with this principle when you see the link between your worst weakness and your strength. It's very exciting to grasp the connection.

Principle #18

Sensitize yourself.

The more you feel, the more you'll notice and respond to the many opportunities in the present.

CLARIFICATION

When you really let yourself be aware of what's going on around you, the quicker you can take advantage of what's there. Very often, we try to protect ourselves from past or future pain by 'numbing' out, whether with food, alcohol, tv, sex, loud noise, whatever. This clouds the picture and doesn't allow us to know what's truly going on. It's not 'be sensitive' but 'be sensitive to'.

KEY POINTS

Feeling vs Knowing. To feel is to sense, be aware of, be touched. To know is to have information. One is head; the other is heart. Both are powerful and I believe the ideal is to have them be equally important in our lives. One may be dominant at different times, but truly successful people are strong in both.
Pay attention to what you use as a "numb-er". There are many different ways. It's not what we do, it's what we spend a lot of time doing. And many of the best 'numb-ers' are socially acceptable, so if you don't smoke, drink, do drugs or have inappropriate sex doesn't mean you aren't numbing yourself.
Allow yourself to become aware of those feelings in your gut (your intuition) and then start trusting them. This is often the best tool we have in responding to our situation. It also helps us 'stay' in the present as these feelings tend to be 'in' the present. Awareness happens on many different levels. Think of your intuition as finely-tuned sensitive radar that can pick up things very far away, while your eyes (head) has a much more limited range. Both give valuable information.
For attraction to work, you need this principle to work effectively. Attraction is something that happens in the present, so it is critical that you be tuned in to what's going on in the present. Being ready, willing and able to respond in the present also helps!
You'll know you're making progress when it's easy to make corrections. You'll immediately "feel" that you've made a wrong turn and be able to quickly get back on track.

Principle #19

Perfect your environment.

The Attraction OS (Operating System) is a sophisticated system that requires a first-class environment.

CLARIFICATION

Attraction is an evolutionary process in that it evolves and takes shape with each principle you put into practice. Part of this process is connecting to the feeling of joy, which attracts more joy into your life. Another part of the process is staying in the present. So, what brings you joy right now? And what needs to be upgraded to bring you joy? Constantly perfecting your environment, molding it into your 'best' life is key here.

KEY POINTS

Perfect isn't forever. It's what is perfect right now. By definition, it may change tomorrow as you change tomorrow.
Buff vs Excellent. Something that is excellent is of the highest quality. Excellence + Personal Style = Buff. In other words, when something is buff, it has your personal stamp on it, it reflects your personal style. It IS you. (And that makes it perfect!)
Perfect doesn't mean large. It very well might be that your perfect environment is simpler, smaller, quieter. What makes your heart sing? That will give you an indication of what is perfect for you.
I often think in terms of 'more perfect'. That means that instead of focusing on what is perfect, I look at what would make my environment 'more' perfect right now. Sometimes it's adding something new, sometimes it's just reorganizing or moving something that is already there. (I actually do this instead of cleaning. it is so much more fun!)
Some areas to think about that are less obvious places to create perfection are: your body, your food and liquids, your tools, the energy around you, your lighting, sounds, air and visuals, and your integrity. Strive for perfection (or 'more' perfect) in all areas of your life!

Principle #20

Develop more character than you need.

Integrity is not enough to become irresistibly attractive.

CLARIFICATION

Have you ever used the phrase "He/She is a class act!" While we may not think it through, as a rule we use the phrase to describe someone with a lot of qualities that we aspire to, not just one or two. What would it take for us to become a class act? According to Thomas, there are 10 major categories of qualities to develop: Honor, Integrity, Personal Style, Caring, Effectiveness, Sense of Self, Openness, Delivery, Life Skills and Communication.

For a 100-point assessment to track your progress toward becoming a Class Act, send an email to classact04@touchpointcoaching.com

KEY POINTS

Difference between character and personality: Your character is the sum of your qualities: that which distinguishes you from others (strength of mind and emotion). Personality is how you come across, how you relate to others.
Character is a whole lot more than integrity/honesty. That's the beginning, but it's just the beginning.
There is a difference between integrity/honesty and integrity/wholeness. We use the term for both honesty and wholeness. I keep the distinction by talking about being "in" integrity to talk about wholeness (your actions match your words which match your beliefs).
When you are completely clear about the rightness (as opposed to self-righteousness) of how you operate in life, you won't have any questions in the corners of your mind about whether you deserve the best.
Character counts the most when it's applied to real life - and that means it's vitally important to be effective.

Principle #21

See how perfect the present really is.

Especially when it is clearly not.

CLARIFICATION

This is a tough one for most people. How can this moment be considered perfect when it's a mess? When I'm in pain? When there is clearly something not working? The key is to distinguish between 'perfect' and 'wonderful' or 'good'. Sometimes the most perfect thing that can happen is something 'not wonderful' or perhaps even 'bad', but something that allows me to learn something that helps me in the future. It's along the lines of teaching a man to fish instead of giving him fish to eat. If I really deal with what is in front of me, then maybe I won't ever have to deal with it again -- and wouldn't THAT be wonderful?!?

KEY POINTS

In this context. perfect doesn't mean optimum, or even preferred. When you apply it to life and not a test, it just means that this moment is good.. It is interesting that the synonyms for perfect (as defined by Merriam Webster) are whole, entire and intact.
Sometimes we have to work at finding the 'perfection' of the moment. This is a great exercise. No matter where you are or what you're doing, stop for a moment and seek the answer to the question "What is perfect about this moment?. You may surprise yourself! (Try it now: What might be perfect about sitting in traffic?)
The present is perfect because, in reality, all you've got now is NOW. Living "in" the present can be very powerful. More than anything else, it shapes your future.
When you see each moment as perfect, you no longer spend useless energy 'wishing' that life or others be the way you want them to be. You tend to start focusing on your own behavior and beliefs, because that is the one thing you really have control over.
If the present is perfect, then remember that YOU are perfect in the present. Accepting who you are in this moment, without judgment or criticism, energizes and empowers you to strive to be better. It's a little convoluted, but that is the way it works.

Principle #22

Become an unconditionally constructive person.

High levels of respect are very attractive.

CLARIFICATION

There are three components to this principle: (1) Unconditionally: This means 'always', with no exceptions. (2) Constructive: This refers to the fact that what you say and do will build the other person up, not belittle them. (3) Become a U.C. person: This speaks to evolving into someone who does this naturally without thinking about it and not just 'practicing' a technique or process.

KEY POINTS

Constructive vs Positive. When you're positive, you build the other person up. When you're constructive, you help the other person to build something bigger.
Constructive vs. Comparative. If you compare someone's actions or results to another person's, or if you point out how they have improved, you are not being unconditionally constructive. Don't point out progress. Simply state what they are doing well.
While mentioning how someone has improved might seem like it's constructive, in fact it brings them back to where they were. It's odd, but it usually has the opposite effect of what we intend. The best way to compliment someone on their progress is to compliment them on their current behavior with no reference to the past, future or rate of development.
An important component of being unconditionally constructive is to be truthful. If you can't think of a way to say what must be said in an unconditionally constructive way, then err on the side of truthfulness. Don't sugarcoat or in any other way hold back from what NEEDS to be said.
You'll know you're making progress with this when you listen and respond to what is special and positive about other people instead of what is wrong or weak about them.

Principle #23

Orient yourself around your values.

When you spend your days doing what fulfills you, you are attractive.

CLARIFICATION

If you've read my newsletter for any length of time, you know that I speak of being 'in' integrity as having your actions match your words which match your beliefs. At the core of this formula is your belief about what is important. When I feel 'out' of integrity, I am not honoring my values. When my buttons are pushed by others, it is usually because they are violating one of my values (although not necessarily one of theirs). In fact, this is true whether we are aware of what our core values are or not and we can use these emotions to identify them.

Getting clear about what you do hold important and then aligning your life around those values offers us a truly simple way to live our best life. Defining goals that are in harmony with what is truly important, avoiding people or places that throw us 'off', satisfying our need to be at peace with ourselves -- all these steps can leapfrog us into being our best self and living our best life.

KEY POINTS

Values vs. Priorities. Values are you. A priority is something you decide to do sooner rather than later.
Fulfillment vs. Satisfaction. When you are fulfilled, your soul is full. When you are satisfied, your body, mind and/or heart is satiated.
You'll know you are making progress when you don't find yourself torn between things. Your values will choose for you.
Sometimes, we do crazy things in order to fulfill a 'need'. The more the lack of something creates imbalance in our lives, the more likely it is that the 'need' is an unexpressed value. The very strength of the value is what throws us off so much when we don't get it (and often makes it harder to achieve it). If you are feeling out of whack because you are not getting something, try giving it. For example, if you are feeling 'starved' for love, start showing love. As you start to express this value, you get more balanced, which then becomes attractive and opens up the door for you being loved. Get it?
For me, lack of integrity shows up in my stomach. (Pain in my chest or throat is usually fear). Pay attention to how not being in integrity shows up in your body. It's a valuable clue to figure out what is important (i.e., a value) to you.

TOOLS FOR IDENTIFYING VALUES

I have three tools available to help you identify your values.

Exercise #1: Values Inventory
The first exercise is an inventory I developed several years ago of about 100 words and a list of questions to let you narrow down to your 10 core values. This is available at values04@touchpointcoaching.com

The other two are what are called inside-out exercises. I believe these are simpler, more elegant ways to get at your values.

Exercise #2: Rolemodel Question
Answer this question. If you have the opportunity to role-model 3 qualities for the world, what would those qualities be? (The answer to this question represents your top 3 values).

Exercise #3: What's Most Important

Divide a clean piece of paper into 2 columns: Left and Right.
Answer the following question until your answers 'dry up'. Write the answers down on the left side of a clean piece of paper. Leave the right hand column free. The question is: "What is most important to you in your life?" "What ELSE is important to you in life?" Keep going until you can't think of anything else.
Once you have your answers, go back to the beginning of the list. For each item on the left, identify whether that is the 'means' or the 'end'. To figure this out, ask the following question: (example: first item is financial security) What will financial security bring me? For most of us, that question will evoke answers such as "peace of mind", "freedom", "security" or something else. From this example, you can see that financial security is the means, not the end. Some of the items you listed will be "means", others "ends". Double-check each answer by asking again, What will "this new thing" bring me? If you can't fine-tune it further, then you know it's an end. Put the "end" on the right hand side.
After you've gone through your list, draw a line under both columns. Starting on the first line of the left, take each word and write it on the bottom of the paper (or on a clean sheet). Only write each word once, the first time it occurs. Very often some of the things that are important to us are differing means to the same end. For example, family, friends, community might all lead us to a sense of connection. So connection would end up on your new list once.
Look at the list you've just made. This is your list of values. Prioritize.

Principle #24

Simplify everything.

Abandoning nonessentials leaves more room for attraction.

CLARIFICATION

This principle may be one of the 'simplest' to understand but not always the 'easiest' to accomplish. It can become easier when we stop defining ourselves as successful based on how much stuff we have. It definitely becomes easier when we realize it's not just about stuff. To simplify means to make easier; to focus on what's truly important and let everything that's unimportant (stuff, people, beliefs, attitudes, approaches) just fall to the wayside.

KEY POINTS

Sometimes we need to physically eliminate things. Most of the time we can accomplish simplification by just focusing on what's important: the 'First Things First' idea. Sometimes we can accomplish it by creating reserves: Have enough of what you need on hand (a 3 to 6 month supply).
Simplify vs. Eradicate: To simplify means to make less complex. To eradicate means to cut things out. Eradication is one way to simplify, but the key is in recognizing what is getting in the way and what's not. You need not -- and should not -- get rid of anything that is important and adds joy to your life.
Space vs. Time. When you have room and freedom to think and live, you can better manage your time because you will be anticipating better. When you don't have enough space, time becomes a limited resource. There is plenty of time, but only if you first create enough space.
As you look at all the places in your life that you could simplify, don't forget to look at promises, projects, plans and goals. Don't make any new promises or commitments and let go of all unfinished business that feels non-essential by consciously choosing to not go forward with that idea. It is critical that you bring consciousness to the process. Leave yourself space to get to #5.
One way you know you are being successful with this principle is that you feel bored. That's the good news. Boredom is a way station on the road to fulfillment. You are making the time and space for what is truly important to you. Savor the boredom. It's a sign of progress.

Principle #25

Master your craft.

The easiest way to become successful? Become the best at what you do.

CLARIFICATION

It is no longer enough to just be 'competent' at what you do. In order to distinguish yourself and truly know success, you need to become a master at whatever you do. This is especially true if you are trying to attract what you want to you. We all want to be around the 'best in class'.

KEY POINTS

A big component of mastery is innovation. You don't just do what you've always done. You constantly seek ways to do things better, faster, more efficiently, more effectively.
Effective vs. Efficient. To be efficient means getting the job done in a smart, timely manner. To be effective means getting the 'right' job done well, whether efficiently or not. Combining the two is incredibly powerful, but if you have to choose between the two, always choose effective.
Space vs. Time. When you have room and freedom to think and live, you Another component of mastery is learning, both your learning (from everything and everyone around you) and the learning of others. You may be teaching others, or sharing your learning, or just learning what not to do and who not to waste time with because they like things the way they are.
Innovation vs. Improvement. To innovate means to revolutionize, or at least introduce something new and important into the mix. When you improve something, you make what you have better, in small incremental stages. Innovation is evolutionary, which is very attractive.
Assimilation vs. Integration. To assimilate means to absorb, to be nourished by what you are learning, eating or experiencing. Whatever you absorb is incorporated into you. Integration implies linking or bonding with something else and creating something new in the process. Both assimilation and integration are powerful concepts that a 'master' embraces.

Principle #26

Recognize and tell the truth.

The truth is the most attractive thing of all, but it requires skills and awareness.

CLARIFICATION

Being able to recognize and tell the truth covers a number of items:

Honesty.
Language and having the ability to articulate what you mean (and not just get in the ballpark).
Sensitivity and skill in stating the truth without the intention of wounding
Lack of fear of the consequences of telling the truth.
Ability to recognize truth from perception of truth.
Understanding that the 'truth' can fluctuate and change.

KEY POINTS

Integrity vs. Honesty. Integrity is about being whole and doing what is best for you to make and keep you whole. Honesty is about telling the truth. The key distinction is that Honesty contributes to your integrity, but there are a number of characteristics that contribute to your integrity.
Truth vs. Facts. Truth is what is so for you. A fact is provable by others. Truth is fairly personal and may not be provable in a traditional sense.
You can't tell the truth if you can't recognize it. When we are tired, stressed, over-worked, obsessed with something, high, drunk or in some other way clouding our consciousness, it is difficult if not impossible to recognize the truth. We may see what 'was' true later, but there is no guarantee that it is true now.
Truth vs. Belief. Truth (like dreams) evolve as awareness grows. Beliefs tend to turn into dogma (I think because they are more locked into place with emotion). Because of that, it is easier for us to come to a new understanding of truth than to change a belief, especially about ourselves.
In our lifetime, the most important truths always have to do with our self and are not about someone else.

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