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The 3-Minute Coach

September 10, 2009 - Issue #84
5 Things You Can't Do with Low Self-Esteem

Welcome to The 3-Minute Coach

Ack! I'm a day late, but hopefully there's enough content so you won't feel The 3 Minute Coach is a dollar short!

Fall (or Spring, depending on where you live) is a great time to start focusing on a new project and getting a coach to help you get organized AND discover what your obstacles are.

Take a Test Drive and see if I'm the right coach for you!

In peace, love and gratitude.
Louise

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Food for Thought

"Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn whatever state I am in, therin to be content." --- Helen Keller

Keep It Simple

Focusing on How, the Intellectual Excuse

I work with a lot of individuals who are seeking to become their best self and who are choosing to create a life of fulfillment and joy. While the focus is on being, we cannot completely forget what we want to do and have. Part of the process I use is to identify exactly what you want and then develop an action plan to create/achieve that goal.

However, that is only half the battle. Once we start working the action plan, we find that certain steps are very easy for us, but we all tend get to a point where we start stalling and finding reasons for not going ahead. For some people it comes later in the process; for others it happens on Step 1 or Step 2.

That is why I often say there is a 2-prong approach to becoming one's best self. One of the most common reasons we stall is that we are entrenched in a belief that not only doesn't support our desires, it is actually a direct contradiction and mutually exclusive. That opposite belief will keep us stuck, miles away from where we wish to go.

As we start working on changing our belief in order to get out of our own way, I often find that, in the beginning of the process, people get stuck on the "how". Even when they are open to the idea of the replacement belief and willing and ready to replace it, at some point the thought that gets them is "I don't know HOW to do that?" Once that thought enters our head, it feels like a tire that has just been filled with air. There is no room left for anything in it, especially not the possibility of getting beyond the "how."

What I've come to understand, and what I share with all who will listen, is that it is our job to figure out "what" we want and it is God's job to figure out "how." We need to understand that we are so smart that we create what appears to be a logical stumbling block. The end result, however, is that it keeps us from actually doing anything, like pushing past it. We get, legitimately in our minds, stuck where we are, with an excellent excuse for not going forward.

The best way to get past this obstruction is to add the following phrase to any statement or affirmation you are using to convert the belief to one that supports who you are and who you want to be: "Even though I can't see how." By adding such a phrase, you effectively acknowledge the fear or concern and are, in fact, able to get past that negative thought to the new belief. It is amazing how just identifying our fears can change our life!

Feature Article

5 Things You Can't Do with Low Self-Esteem

Here is a sampling of the things you can't do with low self-esteem:

1. You can't move out of victim status.
No matter what else is going on, we are never able to shake the idea that we have absolutely no control over our own lives. There is always someone else who is responsible for keeping us stuck where we are. And as long as we're stuck here, unable to acknowledge our own choices have brought us to this point in our life, we can never claim the power to change that life!

2. You can't see the rich tapestry that is life.
When you don't feel good about yourself, life becomes dull, drab, and colorless. It's like looking at life through the eyes of an old camera, which produced wonderful photographs, but only in browns. Without a healthy self-esteem there is no color, vibrancy, joy or zing to life.

3. You cannot be in a healthy relationship.
Sad as this is, I believe it's true that even if you are in a relationship that seems good, if you are not an equal partner in it, there is something missing. When we fluctuate between agreeing with every word that our significant other says without giving it serious thought, to trying to guard our most quintessential core so that we can prevent hurt, there is no ability to love freely and joyously. For many women, this leads to an over-reliance on the relationship with their children, which usually ends in sorrow twenty years down the road when the child needs to be set free to live their own life.

4. You will very seldom be paid according to your true value.
One very real concern for people with low self-esteem is that they tend to be grateful that someone pays them anything at all, regardless of how inappropriately low that salary might be. If there is an injustice going on, they will be more fearful of losing what they have then of attempting to confront the issue with their boss. Getting paid less than they are worth just adds to their already low self-esteem.

5. You can't enjoy life.
We all tend to see life through the filter of our life, however, the person with low self-esteem is going to only see the negative. When friends are happy and in love, this will inflict pain on the person with low self-esteem who is not in a relationship. When a colleague gets a promotion or raise, the individual with low self-esteem cannot share in their joy, as it just points out their undervalued worth. Most of these people see life through the half-empty glass. It's an unhappy place to be.

Related Quotes

"You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy. -- Unknown

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." -- Buddha

"Self-esteem isn't everything; it's just that there's nothing without it." -- Gloria Steinem

"Self-respect permeates every aspect of your life." -- Joe Clark

"It's surprising how many persons go through life without ever recognizing that their feelings toward other people are largely determined by their feelings toward themselves, and if you're not comfortable within yourself, you can't be comfortable with others." -- Sidney J. Harrisk

"Low self esteem is like driving through life with your hand brake on." -- Maxwell Max

Recent Blog Posts

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The Welcome Mat Guest Column:

The Art of Encouragement
by tom walsh

One of the most positive things that's ever happened to me has been a subtle shift in my perspective and in my ways of dealing with other people. I've always felt rather intimidated by and isolated from others, so in my early years I spent a lot of time on my own, rather than calling a friend (or someone who might have become a friend) and asking him or her if he or she wanted to get together and do something. But as I've spent more time teaching and dealing with other people, I've learned that there's a great deal of need in this world, and the people who used to intimidate me now seem much more like me, and I can relate to them much more. Now I can honestly say that very few people intimidate me, no matter what their position or "status," and I now see them as a package of needs, just like I am. And I know that one of those needs is something that I can help with, whether I know the person or not.

That need is for encouragement. Something I realized a few years ago in one of those "Of course--I should have realized that all along!" moments is that encouragement is absolutely free. It doesn't cost me a cent to give it out, but its payoff is incredible. A brighter smile, improved performance on any sort of task, much more enjoyment in doing something--I see these in people constantly when I or someone else encourages them. I often read stories by adults who have succeeded in life largely in part because just one person saw their potential and encouraged them when they were younger, and they have never forgotten those people or their words.

Wouldn't you love to feel that something like that would be possible with you as the remembered person? I know that I would, but unless I plant the seeds today, that sort of harvest will never come to pass.

One of the dynamics of encouragement is such that I rarely see any long-term results. Yes, I would like to know that I've had a positive long-term result on someone's life, but that's something that I have to let go of if my encouragement is to be sincere. I can't keep tabs, and write down all the times I give encouragement and then call someone ten years later and ask them if they remember the encouragement I gave them. That would be simply weird, and pretty obsessive. I have to trust that what I do I do for good, and that it will stay with people. Much of the encouragement that I give won't be remembered, but perhaps it can boost someone's esteem just enough so that the next time they're faced with a certain situation, they'll be able to do successfully what they need to do. Besides, I've invested nothing, remember? What I've given cost me nothing to give.

Remember that "encourage" means to give courage, and that it's the opposite of "discourage," or to take away courage.

I've learned that there are some rules to encouragement, though. In no particular order, here are some of them (I haven't learned them all yet):

1. Encouragement must be sincere. Without sincerity, encouragement is empty, and it borders on useless flattery. Encouragement's brother or sister is the compliment, and it's important that sincerity be the base of either. Saying "Great job!" to a kid who just did a poor job is obviously insincere and untruthful, while saying "Great try--now let's see if we can take this a bit farther" is much more sincere.

2. Encouragement must be realistic. We can't encourage the frail 15-year-old girl to try to become an offensive guard for the Minnesota Vikings, no matter how much she dreams of doing so. But we can recognize her other gifts and encourage her to be herself and follow her dreams. She has them.

3. Encouragement must be given some thought. If someone approaches me and says that she or he wants to get a divorce, I can't encourage her or him to get a divorce. I can't say "Go for it, if that's what you want!" But I can listen, and encourage this person to do what's in her or his heart, as long as they give a lot of thought to what they're doing (and in most situations, they do--and it's not up to me to say whether or not they've given enough thought).

4. We must not expect payback for encouragement. We shouldn't even expect a "thank you," as many people don't even realize that they're being encouraged. It should be given freely and fully, and through encouraging others we can practice the art of giving without expecting anything back. If you get positive feedback, it's a bonus, but if you expect people to acknowledge your words, you're on the wrong track, and you're trying to do more for yourself than for others.

5. We have to encourage people close to us as much as we encourage others. It's very easy to encourage someone we don't know well, as we haven't gotten to know their abilities and potential, so we don't know if they're living up to them. On the other hand, when we know someone such as a family member very well, it's easy to be more critical of what they do than supportive. We have to leave behind unrealistic expectations and look at potential, and not get frustrated if they don't live up to the potential completely. They still need encouragement, no matter how close they are to us.

6. We have to encourage ourselves. Everyone can benefit from encouragement, no matter what the source. We need it, too, and if we're not getting enough of it, we can give it to ourselves. Of course, we can't expect it to suffice if we're getting it only from ourselves, but we can make ourselves feel a great deal better by realistically encouraging ourselves to do our best and giving ourselves constant positive messages. "I can do this--I've done plenty of things that were more difficult" is a positive message--just be sure it's realistic! You wouldn't want to tell yourself this just before setting out to conquer Everest if you've never climbed a mountain before!

7. Encourage people to learn from their mistakes, and move on in their lives. Encourage them to leave behind the baggage that's accumulated--they can keep it as a memory, but not as a part of their everyday lives. Pain and mistakes happen, and we can use them to become better people (more sensitive, more compassionate, stronger), or we can let them determine who and how we are.

It's potentially one of the strongest forces in the world. And it's free--completely free. It doesn't cost me anything to encourage someone, but the payback down the road--a payback I'll probably never see--is more than worth the few seconds it may take for me to utter an encouraging word or three.

Can you imagine what this world would be like if everyone were to try to be encouraging?

tom walsh is a student of life and living with a Ph.D. in Teaching and Learning, who hopes to use what he's learned about teaching to pass on what he's learned from life. Visit www.livinglifefully.com for articles and essays, and much, much more!

Working Towards Wholeness: Action Step

[For me, wholeness represents being my best self living my best life. I believe there are 13 keys to living in wholeness (5 Steps, 8 Elements). Each newsletter, I will look at one action step you can take so that you may get one step closer to wholeness]

WHOLENESS KEY: Focus on the Elements
ELEMENT: Time
ACTION STEP: Breaking through Procrastination

When we feel overwhelmed, it's because we don't feel we have enough time to do everything we need to do. Instead of finding time, however, we procrastinate, which creates even more stress on us. So, these procrastination busters can help you get back the time you've let slip away.

Top 10 Procrastination Busters
[Reasons for Procrastination & How To Get Over Them!]

Clouded Vision - Get a Grip
Step back. It's time to look at the forest. What exactly are you trying to accomplish. Sometimes we get so caught up in the detail we forget where we're going.
The Task is Overwhelming - Break it Down
The bigger the task, the more we need to define the natural milestones within the task. Want to lose 100 pounds. Go for 20 pounds, five times! Need to clean the garage? Break it down to North, South, East, and West. Or divide it into tasks that can be done in a certain block of time (15 minutes, 2 hours, etc).
Fear of the End Result -Breathe deeply, acknowledge the fear, then take the next step.
Sometimes we're afraid we'll fail; sometimes we're afraid we'll succeed. The outcome is the same: fear of what will happen when we're done scares us so much we don't work at it. Fears are like small children. They yell loudest when they feel they are not being heard. Once you acknowledge them, they usually quiet down. Breathing deeply allows you to go past the fear into the next step.
The task is unpleasant or boring. - Focus on 'why' you are doing it.
You hate to clean, but love living in graceful surroundings. You hate to do laundry, but love your family. You hate to make phone calls, but the you need the information on the other end of the line to make your project go faster or easier. There are many tasks or chores we do that we don't like to do, but are necessary to live the life we want to live. Focus on the bigger picture.
Indecision. - Take a deep breath, remember there are no wrong choices, and do something, anything.
There are very few things that can't be undone, or done again. Can't decide what color to paint, so you let your walls remain stained and grungy? Pick three colors. Start with the lightest. If you don't like it, go on to the next.
You lack confidence. - Take a deep breath and figure out if your lack of skill is real or imagined.
If it's real, find out where to gain the skills you need or find someone with the right skills who can help you. If it's imagined, look at #3.
Not enough time. - Break it down into steps that are doable in 5 to 15 minute chunks of time.
This is related to #2, but has more to do with time than feeling overwhelmed. Large, uninterrupted chunks of time are very hard to come by. (And if we're honest, when they do come, we'd rather do something fun!) A good rule of thumb I use is "5 or 15". I either do 5 things (file 5 pieces of paper, fold 5 articles of clothing) or do something for 15 minutes. You'd be surprised how much gets done that way, and without pain!
Distractions. - Be honest with yourself, then get focused.
Are you unconsciously inviting distractions so that you have a 'good' reason not to get something done? It's a way we often sabotage ourselves. Give yourself a gift of time to work on a project. Don't answer the phone or door for one hour. If you're in an office setting, ask the person if you can get back to them in an hour. Take control of the situation.
Not allowing adequate time. Figure out how long it will take, then double it, or better yet, triple it.
When we envision a project in our minds, we see ourselves flying through it, on a straight and narrow path. Because of that we tend to vastly under-estimate how long it will take. Partly because we forget about Steps 1 through 8! Eventually you'll get better at this, but to begin with, start doubling how long you think it will take. This will allow you to plan better and, perhaps, even complete a project without stress!
Too many other projects. Ask for help or establish priority.
If you've got too much on plate, speak up! Either to your boss, your family, or to yourself. What is the most important thing to do right now? Focus on that. Also, work on "Important" tasks, not just the "Urgent" ones!

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All That BIZ

Louise Morganti Kaelin is a Life Success Coach who partners with others to help them turn their dreams into reality.
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Louise is a Life Success Coach who partners with individuals who are READY (to live their best life), WILLING (to explore all options) and ABLE (to accept total support). She specializes in helping those who know what they want to do and how to do it but still can't seem to get it done by breaking through the blocks and barriers to their success. For many free resources, including Louise's free newsletter of insightful, practical suggestions for creating your best life, visit her website at

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