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The 3-Minute Coach

August 27, 2009 - Issue #83
5 Phrases to Avoid For Clear Communication

Welcome to The 3-Minute Coach

Communication is a tricky thing. While words themselves have no emotional meaning, they cause us to respond with emotion. Today's feature article will help you understand why some phrases in particular result in negative responses from those you use them with. Hope you find it useful!

In peace, love and gratitude.
Louise

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Food for Thought

"To try to be better is to be better. " --- Charlotte Cushman

Keep It Simple

Organizing Projects: Pre-Planning Analysis

Julie Morganstern, author of Organizing from the Inside Out has identified 5 questions that she uses to define the organizing goal you are striving to achieve. Responding to these questions will allow you to get a clear picture of where you are and where you are headed before taking one step forward.

The 5 questions that constitute the needs-assessment are as follows:

What's working?
No matter what state of disorder your space may be in, Jule Morganstern guarantees that buried beneath the rubble are some systems that are working just fine for you. Identifying and preserving what's working offers you many advantages.
What's not working?
Your answers here will identify everything that needs fixing. List absolutely everything that frustrates you. Be precise and thorough; don't edit yourself.
What items are most essential to you?
Organizing from the inside out focuses not on getting rid of things, but on identifying what is important to you and finding homes or systems for those things. This is a much more gentle, practical approach.
Why do you want to get organized?
By taking the time to articulate what's driving you to get organized before you start, when you're at the peak of your motivation, you create your own coaching tool to turn to for inspiration when the going gets tough. And the longer the project, it's going to get tough.
What's causing the problems?
Next, Identify what issues are at the heart of your organizing challenge. Figure out which technical errors , external realities, and/or psychological obstacles are at play so that you are sure to be addressing the right issue.

While these questions were designed to help you approach an organizing project, I think they can easily translate to your life. Why not try them on an organizing project first, then on the bigger topic of your life.

Feature Article

5 Phrases to Avoid For Clear Communication

For most of us, words are what we use to communicate. As long as the other person hears us, we think it's enough. We don't bother to question the words that we use or how those simple words might be taken by another.

Unfortunately, most people respond to the words we use and not to our intention. We may not have meant anything by them, at least consciously, but they anger or distress others, and this is the danger of not being careful about the words we use.

There are some phrases, in particular, that you want to be careful about. They are fairly consistent in being responded to in a negative way. If you can think about how you react to them, it may be easier to realize why others are responding to them by being angered or hurt. These phrases may damage your relationships with others. Avoiding the phrases is simpler than repairing relationships.

Here are the top 5 phrases to avoid, and suggested alternatives.

I need you to ____.
Personally, this is one phrase that I find particularly offensive. Even today, I find my hackles being raised by these words. My first response, whether it's vocal or not, is "No, I don't think you do". In the past, I've been known to avoid doing what you need at all costs. There is an element of "I'm better, more important than you. You are my lackey." As I said, I find it offensive.
Better Alternative: Would you mind doing ____?
What are you doing?
Most people can be categorized as being a thinker or a doer. Both are good, but they are definitely different and sometimes a doer doesn't understand why a thinker isn't 'doing'. The primary difference between a thinker and a doer is how the person processes information. Doers tend to process information through talking or doing. Thinkers tend to go inward and choose not to talk about it until they know what they think. For a thinker, the question, "what are you doing?" always suggests that whatever it is, it isn't valid or important, especially if the doer can's see some tangible results.
Better Alternative: Do you want to ____? [That's what most people really want to know, so just come out and ask!}
You're wrong.
Ouch. This one guarantees an argument, or at least a LOUD discussion! Nobody likes thinking they are wrong and for some people, those who believe that there is only my way and the wrong way, this certainly precedes an argument.
Better Alternative: Have you considered ____?
Don't take this personally, but ____
This opening phrase almost always sets us up to take whatever it is personally. As soon as we hear it, we tense up and get prepared for 'bad news' or a judgment.
Better Alternative: When you ____, I feel ____ . Keep it focused on your feelings. It takes people off the defensive and actually allows a dialogue between the two of you.
You don't know what it's like to _____
This statement always assumes that your life is worse or harder than the life of the person you are talking to. To me, it's the height of arrogance because 99% of the time, you really have no clue as to what that person has had to deal with in their life. And somehow, I'm supposed to put your life needs before mine, and that again raises my hackles.
Better Alternative: Do you have any advice for me. I'm dealing with ____. This assumes that we're on a level playing field and I appreciate that. Also, I appreciate you asking me for advice and I will want to help you.

Becoming our best self is an exciting journey and learning to use appropriate language is a basic step needed along the way.

Related Quotes

"Love is saying 'I feel differently' instead of 'You're wrong.'" -- Unknown

"You're wrong means 'I don't understand you, I'm not seeing what you're seeing - and I'm not seeing all of you there is to see. But there is nothing wrong with you. You are where you need to be, doing what you need to be doing, and although I may take steps to protect myself or others, I do not know all and therefore am literally inadequate to judge." " -- Hugh Prather

"Before you speak, think -Is it necessary? Is it true? Is it kind? Will it hurt anyone? Will it improve on the silence?" -- Sri Sathya Sai Baba

"Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret." -- Dr. Lawrence J. Peter

"If you wish to make a man your enemy, tell him simply, "You are wrong." This method works every time." -- Henry Link

"Every word that you express will return to you." -- Christian Larson

Recent Blog Posts

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Working Towards Wholeness: Action Step

[For me, wholeness represents being my best self living my best life. I believe there are 13 keys to living in wholeness (5 Steps, 8 Elements). Each newsletter, I will look at one action step you can take so that you may get one step closer to wholeness]

WHOLENESS KEY: Live in the Present
ACTION STEP: Return to the Present

In his book, Everyday Enlightenment, Dan Millman outlines his twelve gateways to personal growth. The following Wholeness Exercise is an excerpt from that book designed to gently bring ourselves back to the present by asking 3 critical questions.

Return to the Present

Only now exists. Past and future are illusion and exist only as mental constructs. Your body lives here and now. Not even your mind can stretch to the past or future. When you are thinking about the past, you are in the present moment, thinking. It's just that the content of your thoughts is about a remembered (or imagined) past or anticipated (and imagined) future. The mind pretends to be a time machine, taking you from past to future, but the mind is a trickster.

We are here and it is now. Further than that all human knowledge is moonshine. ---—H. L. Mencken

Living the Simple Life

As the pace of life has accelerated, the idea of living simply, like the idea of developing a quiet mind, has gained great appeal. Every extreme breeds a yearning for it's opposite. But complexity is a fact of life, and simplicity may not necessarily involve ease or relaxation. Scott and Helen Nearing, authors of Living the Good Life, have demonstrated that a simple life may involve labors of different kinds—-immersion of attention in the moment, to the matter at hand, whatever needs doing, one thing at a time.

It is entirely possible to live a full, busy, and varied life in the city yet experience a sense of simplicity when your attention rests in the present moment. In my life as a husband, a father of two busy teenage daughters, a professional writer, and a lecturer who travels widely and receives much correspondence and many demands, I must attend to many things; yet my life is quite simple since I can do only one thing at a time. The same is true for you.

When you need to think about, remember, solve, or access something in your mind or memory, direct your attention there. Otherwise, keep your attention on what is happening in this moment, on what you are doing here and now. The following exercise enables you to do just that.

The Three-Question Wake-up Call:

The moment you notice your attention has drifted, you can direct it back to the body, back to this moment, by asking yourself three internal questions:

Am I breathing? (Take a conscious breath.)
Am I relaxed? (Let go of any tension you notice.)
Am I doing whatever I am doing with refinement and grace? (Allow yourself to do so.)

These questions are signposts pointing back to present reality. And in this way, you begin to practice everyday enlightenment.

As you tame your mind by training your attention, life becomes simpler. Let this moment become the object of your lifelong meditation, your everyday enlightenment.

If you let yourself be absorbed completely, if you surrender completely to the moments as they pass, you live more richly those moments. -- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

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Louise Morganti Kaelin is a Life Success Coach who partners with others to help them turn their dreams into reality.
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Louise is a Life Success Coach who partners with individuals who are READY (to live their best life), WILLING (to explore all options) and ABLE (to accept total support). She specializes in helping those who know what they want to do and how to do it but still can't seem to get it done by breaking through the blocks and barriers to their success. For many free resources, including Louise's free newsletter of insightful, practical suggestions for creating your best life, visit her website at

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