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The 3-Minute Coach

August 13, 2009 - Issue #82
How to Accept Responsibility for Everything in Your Life

Welcome to The 3-Minute Coach

As we get closer to Labor Day we also start thinking of projects for the fall. A great project is accepting responsibility for your life. Today's feature article will give you some tips to help make that easier.

In peace, love and gratitude.
Louise

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Food for Thought

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." --- Soren Kierkegaard

Keep It Simple

Choose Being Unique over Being Special

For the vast majority of people, one of the most fundamental psychological needs is the need to be accepted. Whether we further define it as love, acknowledgment, or having value, it's all the same. It is basically the need to have our worth validated by others.

While most people only need the validation from one or a few others, there are many who need this corroboration from tons of people. This need appears to take over their thinking. They want to be special, to have their specialness recognized by many people.

When they are denied this validation, they obsess over it. Needing to be recognized for their specialness impacts every relationship they have (even with strangers) and basically gets in the way of living their best life. Unfortunately, most of us aren't special in any notable way. However, our uniqueness IS special.

TheFreeDictionary.com defines uniqueness as being the only one of its kind. Each of us has a particular and individual combination of skills, talents, interests, history, life experiences, and responses to our life experiences that makes us uniquely, well, us! Even identical twins, who share DNA and most life experiences, tend to have a unique makeup of skills and talents, which makes them unique as well.

The downside of specialness is that it involves comparison to others. We are constantly assessing everyone we meet, deciding on how we are special when compared to them, and then upset when no one else sees that distinction.

On the other hand, uniqueness is just about us. When we are comfortable with who we are and can recognize our own worth and value based on our individuality, life is much easier all the way around. The biggest advantage to my mind is that being happy about who we are frees up all that energy that needing to be special takes. It's energy that we now have available to pursue our goals, focusing on our journey to wholeness, the art of being our best self.

Feature Article

How to Accept Responsibility for Everything in Your Life

Identifying ourselves as co-creators of our life with God as our partner is quite a liberating experience. Most people want to change their lives, but have trouble accepting responsibility for what is already in their life. Unfortunately, if you don't accept the responsibility for what's already there, you can not claim the power to change your life in the future.

Here are some tips to help you become comfortable with accepting responsibility for your life.

Recognize that, for the most part, choices are not made consciously, but by our Higher Self.

The biggest reason by far that we don't want to accept responsibility for our lives and for past choices is that, in retrospect, they seem to be pretty stupid choices. It's hard to maintain our self-confidence and self-respect when we appear to have acted so stupidly. However, that would imply that these choices were conscious, and they are not. No one would consciously choose to be hurt or harmed by another person or undergo some tragic life-altering event. Our Higher Self, however, is there to direct our actions towards what we need, not necessarily what we want. You can count on the fact that situations we aren't happy with are there as life lessons. When you look at them that way, it is much easier to take responsibility for our life.
Think of your life as a play and you are the playwright.

Another way to look at your life is as a play. All the characters in your play work from a script you have written. When you change yourself, you change your dialogue. If the other actors don't change their dialogue to match yours, we tend to drop those actors and hire new ones. Considering yourself as the playwright helps solidify your understanding of your personal responsibility for your life.
Make the choice to not be a victim or a child.

People who consistently refuse to accept responsibility for their life tend to fall into one of two categories. Either they are a victim (people do bad things TO them) or a child (people do positive things FOR them). They feel like they personally have no control over their life. Once you hit eighteen (give or take a few years), remaining a victim or childlike is a choice that you make. As scary as it might be, taking responsibility for your own life is the beginning of freedom, self-respect and self-confidence.
Be willing to assume responsibility but not blame.

Most people confuse responsibility with blame. Being responsible is a sign of adulthood and maturity. Accepting blame is actually a negative quality because the next step is guilt and self-punishment. Accepting responsibility helps foster individuality and confidence.
You understand that accepting responsibility for all negative things does not excuse the other person involved.

The goal of accepting responsiblity is to free you, not anyone else who might have been the vehicle you used to create a situation. Even though they are actors in your play, as you are in theirs, accepting responsiblity for their actions, even the ones that you have scripted, is part of their becoming their best selves and they have to deal with that.
Practice accepting responsibility by saying "for whatever reason".

When we begin the process, it is initially very difficult to accept responsibility because our conscious mind keeps getting in the way. We want, no, need, to understand the why of our actions. One of the best ways to get over this hurdle is to actively and consciously work on acceptance by using this phrase: "I own that, for whatever reason, I have created this situation." (Use exact description of whatever it is). A phrase such as this will quiet that nagging little voice that keeps saying "why would I do that?" The more practice you get, the easier it gets, until one day you realize that you automatically accept responsibility for everything in your life.

Related Quotes

"We do not know what we want and yet we are responsible for what we are - that is the fact." -- Jean-Paul Sartre

"My philosophy is that not only are you responsible for your life, but doing the best at this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment." -- Oprah Winfrey

"Character - the willingness to accept responsibility for one's own life - is the source from which self respect springs." -- Joan Didion

"That consciousness is everything and that all things begin with a thought. That we are responsible for our own fate, we reap what we sow, we get what we give, we pull in what we put out. I know these things for sure." -- Madonna

"To decide, to be at the level of choice, is to take responsibility for your life and to be in control of your life." -- Abbie M. Dale

"I believe that we are solely responsible for our choices, and we have to accept the consequences of every deed, word, and thought throughout our lifetime." -- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

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Working Towards Wholeness: Action Step

[For me, wholeness represents being my best self living my best life. I believe there are 13 keys to living in wholeness (5 Steps, 8 Elements). Each newsletter, I will look at one action step you can take so that you may get one step closer to wholeness]

WHOLENESS KEY: Focus on the Elements
ELEMENT: Vitality
ACTION STEP: Simple Ways To Enhance Your Vitality

Vitality encompasses health, energy and a zest for life. It is not just lack of illness or lack of stress. There is also dynamic appreciation and enjoyment of life that pervades everything we do.

Here are some simple ways to treat your body with respect and enhance the vitality you feel.

Eat. Treat your body like a temple. Listen to your body, as it knows best what nurtures it. Spend some time trying different foods, paying close attention to how your body feels with each type. You'll soon know what's best for you. And once you do, remember it's about eating healthily the majority of the time. Don't berate yourself when you go off the wagon. Remember, the wagon's not leaving without you. Just jump right back on.
Drink. Water is probably the best thing to put in your body. There are many known benefits of drinking water and it's just a 'simple' solution. While it would be boring to only drink water, drink all other beverages in moderation. A little wine, beer, juice, soda, none will hurt you if you control how much you drink.
Rest. It is impossible to be dynamic and have vitality if you don't refresh your body with sleep. A good night's sleep allows us to look forward to getting up in the morning, ready to face our day with enjoyment.
Move. Movement is essential to feeling good and emanating vitality, regardless of your age. No matter how you do it, or how long, do SOMEthing that gets your body moving every single day.
Relax. Relaxation is rest for your brain, just as sleep is rest for your body. We need plenty of relaxation to get through most of our crazy days. So often we seem to be running in a million different directions, trying to take care of all our different responsibilities. While it's good to have a specific set time each day for meditation or other stress-reducing practice, sometimes all we get is a few extra moments alone in the bathroom. Use that time wisely, with 3 long, slow, deep breaths, where you wrap your mind around the process of breathing. You'll be surprised how de-stressed such a simple activity can make you.
Take Prescribed Medicine. If you have any physical condition and are under a doctor's care, take all of the medicine prescribed for you. Make sure you are a participant in your health care, but if you are trusting your doctor, take the medicine he recommends. If you do not have an existing condition, you might want to consider an appropriate vitamin for your age and sex.
No-Nos. While the first 5 items are good things you want to put into your body, there are also some things you want not to do. I'm sure you know most of these, but the short list includes anything you do to extreme: cigarettes, drugs, alcohol. Again, treat your body like a temple!

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Louise Morganti Kaelin is a Life Success Coach who partners with others to help them turn their dreams into reality.
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Louise is a Life Success Coach who partners with individuals who are READY (to live their best life), WILLING (to explore all options) and ABLE (to accept total support). She specializes in helping those who know what they want to do and how to do it but still can't seem to get it done by breaking through the blocks and barriers to their success. For many free resources, including Louise's free newsletter of insightful, practical suggestions for creating your best life, visit her website at

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