Good. Better. Best. Which self do you want to be?

The 3-Minute Coach

July 2, 2009 - Issue #79
Life Beyond Grief

Welcome to The 3-Minute Coach

I know I constantly reference the season and how fast it's flying. I just stand in awe of how quickly time goes by. I understand it's because as we age, a year becomes a much smaller fraction of our lives. Here's to continuing to grow and learn and enjoying every minute of it!

In peace, love and gratitude.
Louise

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Food for Thought

"Ask not what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive... then go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." --- Howard Thurman

Keep It Simple

Friends: Sincere vs Superficial

Sincere Friends

Know my feelings.
Reveal to me how they feel
Teach me about myself
Are comfortable with silence
Feel free to tell me the truth
Give me freedom to fail
Love me for who I am

Superficial Friends

Know only the facts about me.
Tell me what they've done
Tell me about others
Feel awkward with silence
Would leave me if I let them down
Love me for what I can do

By Sheri Rose Shepherd, from Fit for Excellence via Alice Gray, Steve Stephens and John Van Diest in Lists to Live By, the Third Collection.

Feature Article

Life Beyond Grief

Most of us are aware of the five stages of grief as defined by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross:

Denial - This can't be happening, not to me!
Anger - Why me? It's not fair!
Bargaining - I promise I'll be a better person if...
Depression - What's the point? Why go on?
Acceptance - It's going to be okay. I can continue to enjoy life.

No matter what loss we are experiencing (death of a loved one, divorce, job lay off, any life-altering change), going through each of the stages is how we cope. This is regardless of our consciousness of the process. Whether we are aware or not, 99% of us get through each stage in response to a loss.

How long we spend at each stage is individual, however. Our emotional and physical state, along with the severity of the loss, will determine whether the grief process is a week, a month, a year or even longer.

While acceptance is the recognized end of the process, I believe that there is actually another signal that we have moved past grief. This stage goes beyond acceptance, which feels charge neutral to me. When something is charge neutral, there is no emotion invoked by thinking of the person or event. To me, that doesn't do justice to the loss.

I believe that the evidence that we're truly beyond grief is what I call "remembering with a smile." When we can think of the person, the marriage, the job and have a smile come to our face, then the process of grief is truly over. That is a more accurate indicator that we have moved past grief and have moved on with our life, but yet not forgetting the loved one.

My dad passed away almost eight years ago. I must admit that I was stuck in the grieving process for a long time and couldn't remember him without crying for several years. In fact, I really only moved past the grief with mild anti-depressants.

Not too long ago, I was talking to a friend about my dad and I realized that the only emotional response I had when remembering him was to smile. While I still miss him, the thought that he's gone doesn't cause me pain. I have truly moved beyond the grieving process.

If you feel stuck in the grieving process, you can help yourself go beyond it by using the following clarifying statement. Repeat it, preferably out loud, until it becomes a true statement.

I'm 100% open to the idea of remembering my loved ones with a smile.

Related Quotes

"What the heart has once owned and had, it shall never lose." -- Henry Ward Beecher

"Memory nourishes the heart, and grief abates." -- Marcel Proust

"I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge - myth is more potent than history - dreams are more powerful than facts - hope always triumphs over experience - laughter is the cure for grief - love is stronger than death." -- Robert Fulghum

"Joy comes, grief goes, we know not how." -- James Russell Lowell

"The pain passes, but the beauty remains." -- Pierre Auguste Renoir

"Death is as casual-and often as unexpected-as birth. It is as difficult to define grief as joy. Each is finite. Each will fade." -- Jim Bishop

Recent Blog Posts

Distinction of the Day: Manager vs Leader
The 2 Essentials of Business Success
Clarifying Statement for Accepting Responsibility
A Professional Practice's Mission Statement
Being Right vs Being Happy

Working Towards Wholeness: Action Step

[For me, wholeness represents being my best self living my best life. I believe there are 13 keys to living in wholeness (5 Steps, 8 Elements). Each newsletter, I will look at one action step you can take so that you may get one step closer to wholeness]

WHOLENESS KEY: Focus on the Elements
ELEMENT: Strong Sense of Self
ACTION STEP: Working With Your Values

Definition of Strong Sense of Self
It is important to take the time to identify your core values, unmet needs, standards, boundaries, life purpose, mission and beliefs, both supportive and non-supportive. As you get clearer about 'who' you are, you awaken to your possibilities. Living 'in' integrity for me means my actions match my words which match my beliefs. I feel that living in integrity is like getting rid of the bumps and holes in the surface of the road. There is still a path to travel, but the ride is smooth and enjoyable.

What three qualities do you want to role model for others? This is the simplest way I know to clarify our core values. For an example, my three qualities are respect, compassion and wholeness.
For each one of these qualities, answer the following questions:

What does that quality look like at its finest?
How do you express this quality in your life?
How often are you true to this quality?
What is going on when you don't live up to this quality?
How does it feel when you don't live up to this quality?
Where does the feeling (from above) show up in your body?
What makes the feeling go away?

Very few of us actually live our role model quality 100%. A good goal, however, is determining what percentage of the time you are true to those qualities (either individually or combined) and work on increasing that number. Be sure to monitor this number at regular intervals.

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All That BIZ

Louise Morganti Kaelin is a Life Success Coach who partners with others to help them turn their dreams into reality.
Phone: 1-484-660-3143
Email:

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Louise is a Life Success Coach who partners with individuals who are READY (to live their best life), WILLING (to explore all options) and ABLE (to accept total support). She specializes in helping those who know what they want to do and how to do it but still can't seem to get it done by breaking through the blocks and barriers to their success. For many free resources, including Louise's free newsletter of insightful, practical suggestions for creating your best life, visit her website at

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