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The 3-Minute Coach

March 12, 2009 - Issue #72
Six Top Ways to Give -- and Get -- Acknowledgement

Welcome to The 3-Minute Coach

Welcome to March. This year is flying by again. Hope you are all doing well and have gotten through the winter (or summer) in fine health! Here are some reminders about my site:

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I hope you enjoy this issue. Please send me any feedback or suggestions.

In peace, love and gratitude.
Louise

Food for Thought

"What we must decide is how we are valuable rather than how valuable we are." --- Edgar J. Friedenberg

Keep It Simple

Adrenalin Triggers and Solutions

We all know what it's like to have a rush of adrenaline when we see the finish line. It doesn't matter what the finish line is: a ribbon stretched across the road, 5pm, a project-due date, dinnertime, the list goes on and on.

That adrenaline creates quite a high, and for some of us it's very addictive. I know that I've been one myself, and to a much lesser extent, still am. In some ways, I think adrenaline is the worst kind of high, the one that makes you feel productive. That's because in daily life, having completed something makes us feel good. And so it should. The trick is to separate the need for the high with the sense of productivity and completion.

Thanks to Coach University, the Recovery Process is identified as:

Stop the triggering behavior.
Be willing to be very bored, until our new energy source kicks in (usually 3-6 months).
Speak truthfully and completely to everyone and yourself in order to let go of the residue and heal.
Hire a coach, therapist or experienced consultant.
Install a strong personal foundation to keep you well and adrenaline-free.

In addition, they identify adrenaline triggers and potential solutions.

Adrenaline Trigger	Solution
Overpromising results, even a little bit	Deliberately underpromise, regardless of the person's reaction or consequence
Arriving exactly on time or late	Leave 15 minutes early for every appointment
Involved in non-essential projects/activities	Cut out 50% of all personal and professional projects and goals.
Shoulds and have to's: someone else's agenda	Get rid of all shoulds, regardless of consequence
Being optimistic during a rough time	Surrender to the tough time; don't try to see it better than it is
Dong on thing in order to get another thing	Just do the latter and see if it works
Having current unresolved matters in your life	People who haven't worked at these have at least 100; get them resolved
Holding back from another: being nice, being mad, not owning up to something you did	Have a heart-to-heart conversation and become intimate
Not asking for what you need	Be specific and ask before you need it
Tolerations: things you're putting up with	Put up with nothing; re-educate people
Letting people walk all over you	Expand your boundaries
Trying to prove something by your results	Shift from results to people and pleasure
Driving faster than the speed limit	Slow way down; you DO have the time

Feature Article

Six Top Ways to Give -- and Get -- Acknowledgement

What we need has a lot to do with how we live our life. Actually, let me correct that. What we need and DON'T GET has almost everything to do with how we live our life. When we need something and don't get it, we put a lot of energy into trying to get that need met.

While our compulsion to satisfy unmet social, emotional and growth needs is just as strong as our need to obtain food and water, these efforts usually happen on an unconscious level.

Without understanding why, we are driven to do things, not always in our best long-term interests, to satisfy our needs.

As I've worked with many clients over the years in trying to identify their unmet needs, the single most pervasive missing need is acknowledgement. We have a need to be valued, acknowledged, visible and counted.

There are definite tools you can use to work on getting your needs fulfilled. One of the simplest -- and the one you have the most control over -- is to GIVE what you want to RECEIVE. To paraphrase the message from the Bible, "You reap what you sow". People tend to respond in kind. That means, if you're nice to them, they'll be nice to you. Taking these two ideas together, here are some simple suggestions for giving acknowledgement, which in turn should allow you feel acknowledged as well.

Make eye contact.
Looking at people straight in the eye is the first step in showing acknowledgement. This little tip can make an enormous difference in your life because it's simple to do and can be practiced every day, every where. Try keeping your head up while you walk and really "look" at the people you pass in the street. Notice who is looking at you and who is looking down, afraid to make eye contact. Making eye contact is a definite sign of self confidence and draws people to you.

Smile.
Sounds simple, but you'd be surprised how many people prefer not to do it. I'm not clear why, but I think it may have to do with not initiating interaction. We prefer to respond to others, not start the ball rolling. This, in turn, has to do with our fear of rejection. We are concerned that our smile won't be returned, so we wait to see what the other person does.

Use names where you know them.
There is nothing so aligned with who we are as our name. In fact, what is your first response to "Who are you?". Yes, your name! So using the names of people goes a long way in helping them feel acknowledged. Use first names when you know them and it's appropriate; use Mr. or Mrs. or Ms. Smith, when the situation calls for a more formal salutation. If you think about, there are a lot of situations where people, especially in stores, are wearing name tags. Make sure you check it out and use it frequently during any conversation.

Say thank you often.
No matter what the situation, there are many opportunities to say thank you. For example, when a waiter brings your food, when an employee completes an assignment, when your son draws a picture of you -- the examples are endless. Two small words and yet how powerful they are in helping people feel validated and useful . That simple phrase is at the core of all acknowledgement, so use it often. It never gets old or corny.

When someone does a good job, let them know.
There are few things more motivational than having someone pat you on the back and saying "Nice work!". Sometimes you need to search for something to acknowledge people for, but it is well worth the effort. For 90% of all people, your recognition will spur them to try harder and do an even better job the next time. Don't forget to say "Well Done!" for that achievement, too.

Be willing to 'go first'.
As I mentioned above, most of us prefer to take the lead on how to act from other people. It takes courage to be the first one up, but with practice, it becomes easier. It might help to remember that others are waiting for someone ELSE to start the interaction, so why not be that person?

Try these simple steps and pay close attention to how others feel around you and also how you start feeling about yourself. Notice how people perk up when you come around and notice how you feel when you are alone. I am willing to bet that you feel more acknowledged and valued yourself. Please let me know how this works for you.

Related Quotes

"If you wish your merit to be known, acknowledge that of other people. " -- Oriental Proverb

"How we treasure (and admire) the people who acknowledge us! " -- Julie Morgenstern

"You're dealing with the demon of external validation. You can't beat external validation. You want to know why? Because it feels sooo good." -- Northern Exposure

"Every time we remember to say "thank you," we experience nothing less than heaven on earth." -- Sarah Ban Breathnach

"If the only prayer you ever say in your whole life is "thank you," that would suffice." -- Meister Eckhart

"I have witnessed the softening of the hardest of hearts by a simple smile." -- Goldie Hawn

"Realize that true happiness lies within you. Waste no time and effort searching for peace and contentment and joy in the world outside. Remember that there is no happiness in having or in getting, but only in giving. Reach out. Share. Smile. Hug. Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself." -- Og Mandino

"Praise the young and they will flourish." -- Irish Proverb

The Welcome Mat Guest Column:

7 Ways to Boost Your Self Esteem Quickly
by Roger Elliott

Low self esteem can trip you up just when you need your self esteem is be at its best. These 7 tips will help you feel better about yourself quickly:

Think back to when you did something new for the first time.
Learning something new is often accompanied by feelings of nervousness, lack of self belief and high stress levels, all of which are necessary parts of the learning process. The next time you feel under-confident, remembering this will remind you that it's perfectly normal - you're just learning!

Do something you have been putting off.
Like writing or calling a friend, cleaning the house, tidying the garden, fixing the car, organizing the bills, making a tasty and healthy meal - anything that involved you making a decision, then following through!

Do something you are good at.
Examples? How about swimming, running, dancing, cooking, gardening, climbing, painting, writing… If possible, it should be something that holds your attention and requires enough focus to get you into that state of 'flow' where you forget about everything else. You will feel more competent, accomplished and capable afterwards, great antidotes to low self esteem!

And while you're at it, seriously consider doing something like this at least once a week. People who experience 'flow' regularly seem to be happier and healthier.

Stop thinking about yourself!
I know this sounds strange, but low self esteem is often accompanied by too much focus on the self. Doing something that absorbs you and holds your attention can quickly make you feel better.

Get seriously relaxed.
If you are feeling low, anxious or lacking in confidence, the first thing to do is to stop thinking and relax properly. Some people do this by exercising, others by involving themselves in something that occupies their mind. However, being able to relax yourself when you want is a fantastic life skill and so practicing self hypnosis, meditation, or a physically-based relaxation technique such as Tai Chi can be incredibly useful.

When you are properly relaxed, your brain is less emotional and your memory for good events works better. A great 'rescue remedy'!

Remember all the things you have achieved.
This can be difficult at first, but after a while, you'll develop a handy mental list of self-esteem boosting memories. And if you're thinking "But I've never achieved anything", I'm not talking about climbing Everest here.

Things like passing your driving test (despite being nervous), passing exams (despite doubting that you would), playing team sport, getting fit (even if you let it slip later), saving money for something, trying to help someone (even if it didn't work) and so on.

Remember that you could be wrong!
If you are feeling bad about yourself, remember that you way you feel affects your thoughts, memory and behavior. So when you feel bad, you will only remember the bad times, and will tend to be pessimistic about yourself. This is where the tip 'Get Seriously Relaxed' comes in!

Once you have tried out a few of these, consider making them a permanent part of your life. For most people, good self esteem is not just a happy accident, it's a result of the way they think and the things they do from day to day. Good Luck!

Article by Roger Elliott, author of the Free Self Confidence Course Visit Self Improvement on www.hpnosisdownloads.com for a long list of downloadable topics.

Working Towards Wholeness: Action Step

[For me, wholeness represents being my best self living my best life. I believe there are 13 keys to living in wholeness (5 Steps, 8 Elements). Each newsletter, I will look at one action step you can take so that you may get one step closer to wholeness]

WHOLENESS KEY: Focus on the Elements.
ELEMENT: Space
ACTION STEP: Declutter Your Life

A simple way to de-clutter your home is to approach every item in it by asking these two questions: Do I use it? Do I love it? If you use it and love it, it tends to be an item that brings a sense of calmness and peace to you. If you answer both questions with a 'no', there is usually a feeling of overwhelm or unease that comes with it. It is that feeling that you are trying to eliminate when you look at your home.

Another variation of these questions is to ask yourself 'Does this item affirm who I am today? For example, books on a topic you were passionately interested in eight years ago, but haven't touched since then would probably evoke a 'no' answer. Honor who you are today and let these things go.

Very often when we think about de-cluttering our homes, we panic a bit at the thought of 'getting rid of' items, either from sentimentality, frugality or some other such emotion. Some concepts that have helped me move out from under all that stuff include the following:

Keep the memory. Let the Item go.
Sometimes I'll take a picture, but more often I'll do a little prayer of gratitude for the item and/or the person who gave it to me in love, and then release it. I have finally come to understand that my letting go of items someone gave me doesn't mean I am rejecting them or their love. I believe this was the biggest obstacle I had to overcome in order to have everything in our home be something we use or love.
There's someone out there who will love and cherish this item.
When something no longer feels right for me, instead of focusing on feeling bad about the current feeling, I have started thinking about the fact that there are many people who will come to love or use this item the way I once did. There are so many organizations that are looking for used goods and donations, that it is very easy for me to imagine someone else cherishing the item. In fact, I keep a box in the hall closet so that as soon as I identify an item that is no longer used or loved in our home, it has a temporary home until I can get to AMVET's, where we take our donations. I think of this box as my 'system' for keeping our home uncluttered.
It's ok to start the process with one or the other.
Even though our ultimate goal might be to have everything in our home be something we use AND love, start by only having items you either use OR love. To begin with, I would use a time frame of one year. That way, seasonal items will be included as being used, assuming you used them within this past year!
This is more of a lifestyle than a project.
I used to believe that if I could just get rid of all the stuff I didn't want then I would be done and set for life. It doesn't work that way. It's similar to the difference between an eating plan and a diet. One is short-term, the other is how you want to eat forever. The actual plan may change, but it's about food and how you approach it, how the food contributes to your overall health, nurturing and well-being.

The same is true with your home. Do the items in your home buoy you up or weigh you down? What is the first feeling you have when you enter your home? There is a feeling that we are all going for. Is that the feeling you get? If not, it's time to start approaching all the items in your home differently. Start looking at them through the use/love lens and realize that each time you let go of an item that doesn't pass the test, you take another step towards your goal of peace or freedom or grace or beauty or whatever feeling you are going for. And remember that, just like that eating plan, this 'living' plan is something you'll be doing for the rest of your life.

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All That BIZ

Louise Morganti Kaelin is a Life Success Coach who partners with others to help them turn their dreams into reality.
Phone: 1-484-660-3143
Email:

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Louise is a Life Success Coach who partners with individuals who are READY (to live their best life), WILLING (to explore all options) and ABLE (to accept total support). She specializes in helping those who know what they want to do and how to do it but still can't seem to get it done by breaking through the blocks and barriers to their success. For many free resources, including Louise's free newsletter of insightful, practical suggestions for creating your best life, visit her website at

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