Good. Better. Best. Which self do you want to be?

The 3-Minute Coach

December 14, 2006, Issue #64
Turning Holidays into Memories

Welcome to The 3-Minute Coach

Whatever holiday you celebrate, may it be filled with love, joy and peace! I hope you enjoy this "holiday gift" from me! As always, the newsletter is available online at the link at the top of the email (Ezezine's archive.) or on my site, under Archives.

In peace, love and gratitude.
Louise

Food for Thought

"A friend is a gift you give yourself." --- Robert Louis Stevenson

Keep It Simple

Stages of Change

Did you know that, whatever your thoughts on almost any given area that requires action, you can be placed in one of the Stages of Change:

Not Ready for Change
Thinking About Change
Preparing for Action
Taking Action
Maintaining a Good Thing

To me, this is a very exciting model for two reasons. The first is that this concept of the Stages of Change can be applied not just to action but to thoughts. For example, if I define myself as someone who hates kumquats (something I have heard about but never actually seen), the truth is that I am really only in Stage 1: Not ready for change. In fact, I am probably "stuck" in Stage 1, as it never occurs to the majority of us that I could choose to change my thinking on kumquats. This opens up an exciting area for personal growth and development: I am not my thoughts. I can change any of my thoughts, even the most deep-rooted thought or belief.

Becoming aware of the stages of change also helps me understand that there are 3 steps prior to actually taking action. Before I can get to that stage, I must pass through "Not Ready", "Thinking About", and "Preparing For". That's good news because most of us tend to feel guilty about not taking action. If we can begin to see wherever we are as just one of the steps along the way, I suspect that we can let go of the guilt. Once we let go of the guilt, it usually becomes easier to move on to the next stage. That is one of the little ironies of life!

For homework, I'd suggest thinking about the many areas of your life in the context of the stages of change, including your thoughts and beliefs. What stage are you in for each area? Where would you like to be? Are you stuck where you are? Give yourself permission to be where you are as well as permission to move on to the next step. And remember that whatever action you take, it doesn't need to be forever! However, taking action today lightens our loads considerably and brings us one step closer to living our dream life.

Feature Article

Turning Holidays into Memories

As we approach the holidays, I've started thinking about the many holidays past. Some stand out crystal clear, while others just roll together in my thoughts. I'm sure I celebrated those holidays, but that belief is based on the fact that the date came and went, whether it stands out in my memory today or not. In thinking about what made the difference in those holidays, I have come up with some suggestions to help you turn your holiday into a wonderful memory that you can bring out at will in the future.

Stay present in the moment.

I suspect this is the number one key to making the holiday a wonderful memory. If you are truly present (aware, grounded) in the moment, then the moment becomes emotionally charged and it is the emotional charge that allows you to bring it forth in the future. So, whatever you are doing, allow it to be your focus. Take a deep breath and say "Now is the time to do x (talk to the kids, shop, make dinner, etc). Now is not the time for y (figuring out how to get everything done, making a mental list, wondering where the platter is, etc)." Don't forget to really exhale, allowing the "noise" to leave you with the breath.

Allow yourself to receive as well as give.

Most of us focus on giving, but it is important to allow ourselves to receive as well. This doesn't only have to do with receiving gifts or other tangibles, but with receiving the experience of joy as well. Embrace all the joy of the season: open your heart and receive!

Allow others to give as well as receive.

This is the other side of the coin, the one we usually don't think about. We are often so focused on our own need to give and create the holiday for others that we totally forget about their need to give. Allow others the joy of giving, especially to you!

Whenever you and others get in the holiday mood, allow!

For the holiday of Christmas, some of us can get in the mood just after Labor Day, while others of us can't really feel the excitement until December 23rd. Whichever one you are, let it be. Just enjoy it in your way! Don't try to force yourself to be different than you are.

The challenge here is when 2 people who live together are not on the same time frame. The solution is compromise (what a novel idea!). I have two dear friends exactly like that. Just saying the word "Christmas" around the wife lights up her face. Before December 23rd, that same word causes the husband's smile to turn down! Their compromise is perfect in my eyes: There is no holiday music or decorations or any energy directed towards Christmas until the day after Thanksgiving. And while he may help with all that, there is no pressure on him to "get in the mood" until the 23rd!

Recognize gifts when you receive them.

Yesterday, I was working with a client who is beginning to find her voice through her writings As we talked about her natural ability to write and get her message across, I remembered how much I love to write and get my message across through my writing. Although I'd had the idea for this article for a while, her gift to me was waking up my love of writing and getting me to take action! Thanks, KC! So, look around you. What is a gift you didn't recognize right away?

Focus on people, not things.

Keep people at the forefront of your planning. When our focus is on giving the other person joy, the spirit of the holiday prevails. When our focus is on what we give and how good we look by the giving of that item, the spirit gets lost along the wayside. For the majority of us, our holiday memories have to do with holidays spent with certain people, not for what we gave or what we received.

Make -- or keep -- it simple!

There's a quote I love that is attributed to Albert Einstein: "Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not one bit simpler." Apply that to your holiday preparations and stay tuned in to your energy level and what is "really" needed to make the holiday a holiday for you and those you love. It may be lots of decoratons or a single poinsettia plant. It's different for everyone. So make it as simple as it can be for you!

Gratitude isn't just for Thanksgiving anymore!

While Thanksgiving appears to have thankfulness targeted as it's own, the truth is that being grateful for what is in front of you, no matter how big or small, helps turn every day into a joyful day. So, apply this to the holiday you are celebrating now. Be grateful for the people, items, weather, whatever. Gratitude helps charge the emotions and emotions linked to an event keeps the memory alive.

Let giving be part of the lesson for your children.

I recently attended a charity event which was focused on familes helping families. The place was filled with children of all ages, who helped package up gifts for less fortunate children in the community. It was a busy and exciting day, but what struck me the most was the joy the young givers got by giving. In fact, there were two 14-year olds who talked about their experiences of helping with the charity over the past 3 years. It was obvious that they had learned the joy of giving, and of giving to the community, not just their families. Being able to incorporate some sense of that into each holiday would definitely increase it's memorability!

Even if you're alone, make it special!

There are many of us who, by choice or circumstance, end up spending the holiday alone. There is no reason for solitude to prevent making a holiday a memory. What would it take for your holiday to be special, one you remember for years to come? Whatever it is, make it so! (Just a thought, but if you would prefer not to spend it alone, why not take the prerogative and volunteer to help out at the many charities who provide meals that day? They'd appreciate the help and you'd give yourself a gift to last a lifetime!).

Related Quotes

"Memory is a man's real possession...In nothing else is he rich, in nothing else is he poor." -- Alexander Smith

"The secret of a good memory is attention, and attention to a subject depends upon our interest in it. We rarely forget that which has made a deep impression on our minds." -- Tryon Edwards

"Your world is made of your memories, and your memories are given to you by your world." -- Real Live Preacher

"God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December." -- J.M. Barrie

"So live that your memories will be part of your happiness." -- Author Unknown

"Learning to live in the present moment is part of the path of joy." -- Sarah Ban Breathnach

"A gift - be it a present, a kind word or a job done with care and love - explains itself!... and if receivin' it embarrasses you, it's because your 'thanks box' is warped. " -- Alice Childress

"If my hands are fully occupied in holding on to something, I can neither give nor receive." -- Dorothee Solle

"Simplicity is the peak of civilization. " -- Jessie Sampter

"Charity begins at home, but shouldn't end there. " -- Scottish Proverb

The Welcome Mat Guest Column:

The Spirit, Not the Day
by tom walsh

December 25 is just another day on the calendar. There is nothing about the day that is different--it begins just at midnight and ends at midnight, twenty-four hours later. The day holds 24 hours, and thus 1440 minutes, and sixty times that number of seconds. It contains morning, mid-day, afternoon, evening, and night. The sun rises on that day, and it sets. Plants continue to grow at the same pace they grew the day before, weather systems continue to develop and unfold, ocean tides follow their same patterns, and the earth continues to spin on its same orbit.

There is nothing about the day itself that's different--but what is different is the spirit that we bring to the day. We ourselves change during our holiest seasons, no matter what religions we may follow or what holidays we may keep, because we change our focus and we allow our perspectives to broaden so that we can see and understand more of the world around us.

Why are people more giving at Christmas than at any other time of the year? It's simply because they allow themselves to be. When Christmas is coming, we ask other people what their needs and wants are, and then we do our best to fulfill those needs and wants. We focus on others, and what will make them happy, rather than focusing on ourselves and what will make us happy.

It isn't a subtle shift at all, but it is a surprising one, considering how self-focused we tend to be all year long. Even people who seem to have the hardest of hearts can become generous and thoughtful at Christmastime, and we always marvel at the changes we see in their way of looking at the world.

For Thanksgiving this year, my wife and I both worked--she worked all day, and I worked until 9 p.m. There are those who would say that we didn't have a Thanksgiving because we weren't able to take part in the festivities of the day. Nothing, though, could be further from the truth. We both said our thanks over breakfast that morning, and we both kept in mind all day long that the fact that we were working meant that someone else could have the entire day off. And on Saturday, we had our turkey dinner, complete with stuffing and sweet potatoes and cranberry sauce. Just because our Thanksgiving meal--and meals are very important ceremonies in most cultures--came 48 hours later than most people's didn't diminish its specialness for us at all.

Christmas is the same way. There's nothing special about particular moments of time except what we make of them. There is broad agreement all over the world that December 25 will be a special day, so those of us who consider the day to be a holiday treat the day differently and see it in a new light each year. But what would happen if we all were to treat February 17 with the same reverence and respect? Then, of course, that day would become a very special for all of us.

So why don't we? What's wrong with treating February 17--or June 8, or September 22--with the same reverence and respect with which we treat December 25? Why can't we spend the days leading up to each day finding out the needs and wants of others, and then trying to fulfill some--or one--of those needs? What would our lives be like if we were to bring to each day the spirit that we bring to December 25? What kind of a world would this be if we were to do so?

There's a good chance that both my wife and I will be working this Christmas, also. But that's okay with us, for we know that we can make holy any day of the year. It depends on us, and on what we bring to the day. The day itself is ordinary, as all days are.

-----------------------------

tom walsh is a student of life and living with a Ph.D. in Teaching and Learning, who hopes to use what he's learned about teaching to pass on what he's learned from life. Visit www.livinglifefully.com for articles and essays, and much, much more!

Working Towards Wholeness: Action Step

[For me, wholeness represents being my best self living my best life. I believe there are 13 keys to living in wholeness (5 Steps, 8 Elements). Each newsletter, I will look at one action step you can take so that you may get one step closer to wholeness]

WHOLENESS KEY: Live in the present
ACTION STEP: Practice Living in the Present!

This issue's action step is practicing the art of living in the present. While most of us agree that being able to stay present is a wonderful idea, we often struggle with actually doing it. Here are some suggestions to help you do just that.

Set the intention.
This is as simple as it sounds. Take three deep breaths and say the following out loud: "From this moment on, I choose to live my life focused on the present, to live each moment fully and completely. And so it is!"

"Get" that each moment is perfect, even when it's not.
Part of the reason we don't like living in the moment is that it isn't where we want to be. Understanding that THIS moment is perfect (even when it doesn't feel perfect) is part of the shift we need to make to live in the present. To help with this, keep asking yourself "If this moment is perfect, what's perfect about it?".

For example, if you are stuck in traffic, and ask that question, some possible answers could be: It's giving me time to chill out. It's giving me time to listen to this tape. It may be preventing me from being in an accident down the road. It's giving me time to think something out. [These are just a few that came to my mind. The trick is to ask the question constantly. Once you get in the habit of recognizing the perfection, you won't need to keep asking the question.]

Remember that even multi-taskers can only focus on one thing at a time in any given moment.
No matter how many things I feel I can do simultaneously, the truth is that in any moment I can really only 'do' one. So keep that one on the front burner as long as it is the focus. Focusing on the one thing at a time will get it done faster. If necessary, visualize everything you need to do in it's own box, which you store in a closeby cupboard or closet. When appropriate, go take the most important box for right now out of the closet. Focus on that and get it done, but breathe easily, knowing you won't forget about the others.

When you lose focus on the moment, bring yourself back gently.
One of the secrets of meditation is not the secret of emptying your mind, but is, instead, the art of accepting that you can't empty your mind, but you can choose to select what your focus is. When you notice that your focus on the present (or meditation!) has slipped, don't berate yourself. Instead, say something like: "Now is the time to do/focus on X. I will have time to do/focus on Y later." Gently, calmly, bring yourself back to this moment.

Remember that living in the present is an art form whose mastery takes practice
For some reason, most people assume that living in the present is either something you do or don't do. The truth is, it's an art form and like any art form, we must practice daily to gain mastery. So let yourself be excited about learning a new skill and start practicing!

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Louise is a Life Success Coach who partners with individuals who are READY (to live their best life), WILLING (to explore all options) and ABLE (to accept total support). She specializes in helping those who know what they want to do and how to do it but still can't seem to get it done by breaking through the blocks and barriers to their success. For many free resources, including Louise's free newsletter of insightful, practical suggestions for creating your best life, visit her website at

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