Good. Better. Best. Which self do you want to be?

The 3-Minute Coach

October 26, 2004, Issue #61
Legalize Your Emotions

Welcome to The 3-Minute Coach

I'm baa-ack! When I decided to go to a periodic schedule back in April, I never dreamt it would be 6 months until another newsletter went out. Life, as they say, intervenes. Well, I'm hoping that you still enjoy the newsletter and find it relevant to your life. I would also like to welcome the many new subscribers since the last issue and to thank those of you who contacted me to find out what had happened to the newsletter.

In joy, peace and gratitude,

Louise

Food for Thought

"It is our responsibilities, not ourselves, that we should take seriously." --- Peter Ustinov

Keep It Simple

The 2 Essentials of Business Success

In his book "Everyday Enlightenment", Dan Millman identifies 2 (and only 2) basics for success in business:

Be good at what you do.
This is critical. Don't just 'do' what you 'do'. Keep learning and studying so that you do it better. Become a master of your craft and you will do well.
Be good at promoting what you do.
For many of us, this is the part we'd like to forget about. However, it doesn't matter how good you are if no one knows about it. And the converse is true as well. We all know people (possibly less qualified than others) who do quite well because they have highly developed this skill.

To go really far in life, and business, you need to develop both of these skills! These rules apply whether you work for yourself or in a corporate environment.

Check out the book on : Amazon

Feature Article

Legalize Your Emotions

For most of us, when we think about being our 'best' selves, there is a sense of depth, breadth and richness. We see ourselves, in the future, calm, collected, wise, joyful, experiencing all the top-shelf positive emotions.

I believe that picture of life is definitely the goal of living our best life, however it can be a misleading picture. As a rule, when we visualize ourselves in that moment of living our best life, it's important to remember that's exactly what it is -- a moment. It's precisely the same as when we capture a memory of a wonderful trip or vacation. We tend to isolate a moment that best represents the feeling we tie to the memory of that trip. It rarely means that you felt that feeling for every single moment.

Not only is life like that – a whole gamut of emotions, but it's SUPPOSED to be like that! In fact, living our best life is about experiencing the full joy of being human, and that is not always joyful. So how do we reconcile feeling all those negative emotions with living our 'best' life? The secret to living our best human life is to give ourselves permission to feel everything, but to not get stuck in the negative emotions. It really is that simple!

Every single feeling you feel is valid and legitimate. It may not always be 'appropriate', but the fact remains that you are feeling it, and that makes it legal. We often do more harm by trying to 'not feel' negative emotions than by allowing them out.

Here are some suggestions for going 'through' the mountain instead of looking for a way around, over, or under the mountain:

Remember that the goal of self-development is to grow into someone who can handle anything that comes your way. We can't do that if we are trying to pretend that we are not having a negative response right now. We almost never try to hide a positive emotion; we need to expand that philosophy into all emotions.
The emotion is not bigger than we are. Sometimes we are fearful of allowing ourselves to really go with an emotion because it threatens to overwhelm us. In reality, that almost never happens. What makes the feeling so powerful is the energy we put into not admitting we are feeling it. Fear, anger, guilt, and resentment -- these are all like small children pulling at your leg. They get louder and louder until you finally ask what they want. 99% of the time, their response is "nothing". What they wanted was your attention, and now that they have it, they can move on.
Stay in the present; articulate exactly what the feeling is. We can often be so afraid of feeling negative emotions that we lump a whole gamut of emotions together. In fact, there is value in being able to identify exactly what you are feeling. For example, there is a world of difference between 'apprehensive' and 'paralyzed with fear' yet we often don't make the distinction. We just generalize the feeling and we say we are afraid. For me, being apprehensive doesn't necessarily mean an inability to take action. There is something going on, yes, but it could be as simple as being afraid of something I've never done before. Taking the time to get clear can often get you moving again.
Don't try to 'rise above it'. I often have clients tell me they feel they shouldn't feel or encourage the negative feeling because they are on a path of evolving. Allowing the negative emotion appears contradictory to them. Again, it isn't the emotion, or feeling the emotion, that gets in the way of our personal growth, but how long we spend feeling it. I once knew a person who was quite proud of the fact that they never got angry. As I reflected on this, I was graced with an awareness. It was true, he never got angry, but it was because he was ALWAYS angry. He never had to 'get' there. That anger came out in behavior we would classify as passive aggressive. True, it was never overt or loud, but it ran through each and every interaction he had. How could that possibly be better then never getting or showing anger?
Set a time limit on how long you are willing to vent, rant or whine. Five minutes is usually a good time frame. Most of us will have exhausted all that negativity by the end of 5 minutes and we will have freed up a ton of energy that we can put to work on achieving our goals. If you feel that 5 minutes wasn't enough, then wait some time (perhaps 2 to 4 hours) and then give yourself 5 more minutes. The very act of setting a time limit gives you a sense of control over the feeling that helps put it into perspective.
When an emotion hovers just under the surface, try to bring it out. Watch a movie that will bring out the tears (or the right McDonald's commercial). Some movies that make me cry (just about every single time I see them) are: Pay it Forward, An Affair to Remember, Terms of Endearment and all three of the Lord of the Rings movies. I'm sure you can think of a few of your own. Rent the movie, get out the Kleenex and let yourself go.
Find a physical means of releasing negative energy. It may be putting extra energy into physical exercise you are already doing (walking, jogging, bike riding, etc). or going for a full-out release of the energy by slamming into a punching bag, screaming at the top of your lungs, etc. The key here is to release the energy -- so that you can be free of it. It is not meant to be directed at anyone.
Don't forget the power of the written word. Take time to sit down and write out what you are feeling. Any way that you are able to clarify what you are feeling is good. In the heat of any emotion, most of us have the same thoughts rumbling through our brain. Writing it out can bring clarity, and more importantly, release. If someone else is involved, try writing a letter or postcard that you burn instead of sending. (For more information, see the Release_the_Past autoresponder available on the Autoresponder Page which has the basics for the letter. Also, see the new feature "Working Towards Wholeness" later in this newsletter which has directions for the postcard)
A negative response is just that -- a response that comes unbidden and not through the brain. It is never logical and always needs to be acknowledged and validated. It is possible, however, to allow logic to dissipate the energy. If that works, fine. If not, try a physical release.
Don't allow any emotion to stop you from taking action. I'm sure you've heard the phrase, "Feel the fear and do it anyway". Allowing yourself to take action despite the fear is what makes a true hero. Fear can often be the sign of good common sense kicking into action.
Become aware of your personal response to fear. For example, I have found multiple times in my life that sickness is a 'legitimate' reason for not doing what I know I need to do but am afraid to do. I now know to ask the question when I'm sick: is this real? Or is this a fear that I'm unwilling to look at? Most of us have something that we use to keep us from taking action. Look for yours!

Related Quotes

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear." -- Mark Twain

"None but a coward dares to boast that he has never known fear." -- Ferdinand Foch

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do." -- Eleanor Roosevelt

"Anger as soon as fed is dead -- 'Tis starving makes it fat." -- Emily Dickinson

"The only cure for grief is action". -- George Henry Lewes

"Do not be too timid or squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Courage is being scared to death - but saddling up anyway." -- John Wayne

The Welcome Mat Guest Column:

But I Don’t Have Time to Change!
by Kate Kardi

All too often I hear comments like 'I would like to make changes in my life but I just don’t have the time'. How often do you use expressions like: 'I'm rushed off my feet', 'I don’t get a moment to myself' or 'I just have too much to do right now'?

Well as a Life Coach I know that is exactly when you need to make changes the most. You should not be living your life in a whirlwind state, wearing yourself out and damaging your health into the bargain. Time is one of those things that can (if you let it) elude you. Your day can be gone in a blink of an eye and you can still find yourself left with a million and one things you wanted to do left unfinished.

The key is to remember that you control your time not the other way around. Here are 5 simple techniques to help you to get time back on your side.

Simplify Your Life
The truth is we often try and do too many things in a day. We set ourselves impossible expectations that we have no true hope of meeting. Stop right now; invest 5 minutes now on simplifying your life and you could reap hours in return. Ask yourself how can you make your life simpler and give yourself some time back? Stop telling yourself everything is important and identify what really needs doing and what can wait. Once you know what your real priorities are, start looking at getting some support where possible .It could be as simple as getting the kids or partner to help with some of the household chores to save you time. Maybe you only need to do the shopping once a week rather than more frequently. Manage your time. Try imagining time is like money. Where do you really want to invest your precious resource?

Learn to say No
Learn to say no to things. Whether these demands are self-imposed or made on you by others, don’t spend time on things that are not directly benefiting you. Do you really need to be a member of all those committees? Are other people making demands/requests for your time, which are unfair? Saying No can be done in a nice way. Use expressions like 'Sorry but I'll have to give it a miss'. Remember you are not refusing the other person you are merely declining their invitation to spend your time on their projects. If the other person knows their request is unfair and you continue to say yes, you are teaching them that what they are doing is acceptable behavior. If it is a work colleague who keeps passing you their work then perhaps it is time for them to learn to either reorganize their time or realize they have too much on their plates and they, in turn, need to say No to the higher powers. Never say yes to things that are going to make you more stressed and take away from your own time requirements

Is the Magic Number
Once you have your list for the day focus on the magical power of 3. Choose the 3 most important things and do them first. If you get them done with time to spare then you can go on to something else on the list. Knowing you have completed at least the priorities will help you stay relaxed. Also learn to focus just on what you are doing now and doing it well. This reminds me of a story of a man who worked very hard. He spent all day worrying and feeling bad because he was not spending time with his wife and children. When he got home at night he spent his time worrying that he was not at the office working . As a result he felt bad all the time. He was taught to just focus on doing what he was doing now and doing it well. He found if he stayed in the present moment and stopped trying to live in the past or future he felt much better and what he was doing, he did better

Schedule Time for Nothing but Fun
Stop feeling guilty for wanting time for yourself. You are the only one of you and you need to take care of yourself. You are supposed to be enjoying your life not finding it a struggle and strain. Make sure you schedule time for you. Do something fun or relaxing. You will feel better the rest of the time and will end up being more productive in the long run. One client of mine was working incredibly long hours. Always at his desk by 7am and rarely leaving before 9pm and feeling he was still not getting everything done. The fact was he was no longer firing on all cylinders, which was actually resulting in him taking longer to produce the work he was managing to do. He changed his pattern and agreed to leave work at 5.30pm and spend the evening having some fun and taking more care of himself.. As a result he had better energy levels, found he was more focused which meant he could produce more work (and of a better quality) when he actually was at his desk. He even got to spend more time with his family so a bonus for everyone

Make better use of your time
Learn to identify those time wasters. How much unproductive time do you have in a day. Sitting in traffic jams, waiting for the kids to come out of school, the hours you just sit watching nothing particular on TV in the evenings. This is all time we waste. Learn to use these moments for something more productive (never use your fun/relaxation time for this, that is a separate time element). If you have to commute to work can you write your weekly shopping list whilst waiting in jams? This could mean less time in the supermarket later. Or can you go over your day's plan so you are focused when you get to your desk? Try doing something productive around the house whilst the dinner cooks, perhaps 20 minutes of ironing so you don’t have to do it at the weekend, or preparing tomorrow's lunchboxes so you get 5 minutes longer in bed in the morning.

Self-Management is the biggest part of Time Management. If you don’t have time now then change the way you are doing things so you do. Just think of all the great things you could be achieving if only you had time to.

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Copyright 2004, Kate Kardi, All rights reserved.

Kate Kardi is a Life & Confidence coach based in Riber (near Matlock) in Derbyshire UK. Through her company, Life Designing, she works with individuals to inspire, motivate and teach them how to increase their inner self-confidence so they can go on to achieve their dreams and change their lives on the outside. She works with individuals on both a private one-to-one basis and also in class and workshop formats. She runs a range of successful self-development courses and workshops in areas such as: increasing your self-confidence, dating skills, body language and flirting techniques and how to make positive changes your life. For more information, contact Kate at 01629 583583 or kardi1@hotmail.com

Working Towards Wholeness: Action Step

[This is a new section of the newsletter. For me, wholeness represents being my best self living my best life. I believe there are 12 keys to living in wholeness. Each newsletter, I will look at one action step you can take so that you may get one step closer to wholeness.]

WHOLENESS KEY: Complete the Past
ACTION STEP: Write a Postcard to Break an Unspoken Contract

When someone pushes your buttons, there is usually a very good reason for it. They are, in fact, a gift from the Universe, allowing you to look at some aspect of your life. Very often, their primary purpose is to confirm a belief that you have about yourself. The belief comes first, then the person or situation that annoys you. By looking at the behavior and looking at the outcome, you may be able to determine what purpose they are serving in your life. Once you identify it, you can break the contract you have with them.

While I recommend a full-blown letter for long-term issues , a postcard often serves well for acquaintances, co-workers, or smaller 'button-pushers'. (For more information and directions for the leter, see the Release_the_Past autoresponder available on the Autoresponder Page)

POSTCARD TEMPLATE

Dear [Name],

By this note, I am freeing you from the contract we had established. I no longer need you to [prevent me from moving on]. I am now ready to [surge forward in creating my ideal life]. I hope that I fulfilled my side of this contract. Thank you so much for [giving me time to prepare myself for being on my own].

When I burn this, I ask that God/the Universe to release both of us and free the energy we've tied up in this issue so that it may be used to create both our dreams.

Love, xxxxx

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All That BIZ

Louise Morganti Kaelin is a Life Success Coach who partners with others to help them turn their dreams into reality.
Phone: 1-617-984-2868 or 1-866-COACH-99 (toll-free inside USA)
Email: louise@touchpointcoaching.com
Web: http://touchpointcoaching.com

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