Good. Better. Best. Which self do you want to be?

The 3-Minute Coach

February 16, 2004, Issue #57
The Cycle of Life

Welcome to The 3-Minute Coach

Hope this issue finds you healthy, happy and whole. Since it's been a while, it's jam-packed with lots of goodies. Also hope you had the best Valentine's Day ever.

In joy, peace and gratitude,

Louise

Food for Thought

"It is no use saying, 'We are doing our best.' You have got to succeed in doing what is necessary." --- Sir Winston Churchill

Keep It Simple

If You Want to Move Fast, Do What You Fear Most

Every time we attend a seminar or workshop, we may spend 2 to 8 hours on a particular topic. Yet, in recalling what we learned after 48 hours, there will only be one or two gems that we've stored away for future use. I took this gem away from a 3 hour meeting I attended recently.

I routinely tell my clients (and myself) that the pace we are keeping is perfect for us. We each move as fast as we can to the next level of awareness and to growth and understanding. Usually, we want to go slowly, building up to addressing that big fear. We assume that a series of smaller successes will make it easier to conquer the thing we are so frightened of.

I still stand by that principle. Your pace is perfect for you. However, I can recognize the truth in the gem I learned at that meeting: If you want to move fast, to grow exponentially, identify what you are most afraid of and start there.

In discussing this concept with a client recently, she said it sounded like the 'Fail Forward Fast' principle to her. The sooner you try and fail, the sooner you learn from that and move on to the next, potentially right, thing.

So, what are you most afraid of today? Willing to give it a go?

Feature Article

The Cycle of Life:
What Season are you in?

I've been thinking a lot about the following bible verse from Ecclesiastes:

For every thing there is a season, and a time for every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
A time of war, and a time of peace.

The cycles of life surround us every day, whether we focus on them or not. Morning becomes afternoon which becomes evening which becomes night which becomes morning. The months follow each other with alarming speed. Even though it is hard to believe during this harsh New England winter, spring will come. It has to, not because I want it to, but because it is the way of life.

Sometimes my personal season matches what's going on around me in the world. Sometimes what's going on in the world contributes to my personal season. I know many people who suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder. Their lives are dramatically impacted by short days and the lack of light.

If I stop to think about it, I can point to many things I've done over the past few months, things I should feel good about. Yet, spiritually and emotionally, I feel like this has been a very stagnant time, and that I've accomplished little or nothing towards my goals. If I think about that for long, I can start feeling pretty down.

Luckily, I've gone through this before. My experience tells me that my current season is the season after reaping and before sowing, the season that we allow the ground to regenerate and regain nutrients. Even though I don't remember it every moment, I know I will come out the other end of this as well. Which reminds me of another favorite saying: And this too shall pass.

So, whatever season you are currently in, stand back and take stock. Whatever season it is, enjoy it!

Related Quotes

"There are pauses amidst study, and even pauses of seeming idleness, in which a process goes on which may be likened to the digestion of food. In those seasons of repose, the powers are gathering their strength for new efforts; as land which lies fallow recovers itself for tillage." -- J.W. Alexander

"Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each." -- Henry David Thoreau

"It is a great thing to know the season for speech and the season for silence." -- Seneca

"At Christmas I no more desire a rose Than wish a snow in May's new-fangled mirth; But like of each thing that in season grows." -- William Shakespeare

"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome." -- Anne Bradstreet

The Welcome Mat Guest Column:

7 Steps for Curing Relationship Blues
by Suzanne Blake, P.C.C.

If you are not satisfied with your romantic or other relationships, take some action steps to change your current status! The good news is there is a lot of terrific information available to help you on the journey. The "tough" news is that it takes a lot of work and effort to integrate the knowledge into your current behavior. One needs to have cognitive intelligence, but also emotional intelligence to succeed in relationships. However, the hard work is worth it. I know many people, including myself who have changed their behaviors, and/or attitudes and are now enjoying wonderful relationships.

Read through the different steps below, depending on your relationship status, to remove the inner and outer barriers to having what you want in a relationship. I will recommend various books that offer additional information and inspiration.

If you are single, examine the artificial "rules" and "beliefs" you have about attracting the love you desire.
Most of my clients believe they are not in relationships because they are not attractive, thin, rich, dynamic, etc. enough to be in a relationship. This is a misconception that most single people carry around. There are a lot of people who aren't gorgeous, long-legged, smart, rich, powerful, thin, young, extroverted etc.who are in successful relationships. Learn to appreciate yourself for who you really are, and stop comparing yourself to society's harsh and unfair standards. RECOMMENDED READING: "The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem" by Nathaniel Brandon. If you need help believing you can have a successful relationship, read "Finding True Love" (The 4 Essential Keys to Discovering the Love of Your Life) by Daphne Rose Kingma.
You attract at the level you are at. Notice who you are attracting, and what that says about you.
If you attract people who think you aren't good enough, they maybe mirroring your conscious or unconscious beliefs. If you are attracting people who can't make a commitment, it may be a good idea for you to take a look at your own commitment issues too. RECOMMENDED READING: "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix to understand more about why you may be attracting inappropriate partners.
Find out what it takes to be in a relationship, and find models of relationships that do work.
I know this is challenging for singles, as many of you don't know that many happily married couples. Most people today aren't learning the skills, patience and dedication it takes to keep a marriage strong and working, so the divorce rate climbs. The divorce rate may be over 50%, but the remarriage rate is 90%. Some of the couples who split up haven't done whatever it takes to make their relationship work, or didn't have good models or support systems. Here are 10 elements necessary for a good long-term partnership. Use this list to determine what steps you need to take to be more successful.
- Acceptance of your own and each other's differences and 'shortcomings'.
- Basic trust in the inherent positive traits and skills of partners, ability to acknowledge partner for contributions.
- Maintaining the "we" instead of two "I's", working together on common goals as a team.
- A sense of humor, playful detachment.
- Well-developed communication skills-ability to listen to and act on partner's feedback.
- A healthy support system for each person outside the partnership.
- Understanding of male-female relationships and roles (especially for heterosexual partnerships.)
- Owning one's mistakes, apologizing and being open to apologies and peace-making overtures.
- Ongoing tending to and nurturing the relationship.
- Willingness to take emotional risks.
RECOMMENDED READING: Don't let the title fool you (no pun intended!), "The Complete Idiot's Guide to a Healthy Relationship" by Dr. Judy Kuriansky has a lot of good information about the inner workings of successful relationships.
Let go of the rigid "pictures" you have about who you should partner with.
Up to 70% of happily partnered couples will tell you that they weren't initially "wowed" by their current partner! In fact, many of these partners were very different from others they had dated. Most of these partners were their compliment, instead of having similar personalities. Learn to choose a mate depending on your core values, not outer appearances. RECOMMENDED READING: "Are You the One for Me?" By Barbara De Angelis or "The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say "I Do" by Susan Piver.
Work as a team, and honor the roles that are most natural for each partner to take. Competition and individual egos can destroy relationships.
Learning to compromise and work together are some of the most important skills in a relationship. Avoid competing with your partner, and create a joint agenda you both can share in. RECOMMENDED READING: For women only: "The Surrendered Single" (A Practical Guide to Attracting and Marrying the Man Who's Right for You) or "The Surrendered Wife" (A Practical Guide to Finding Intimacy, Passion, and Peace with Your Man) by Laura Doyle.
Instead of blaming your partner, look at your part, and what you can do to change the relationship.
It's easy to point the finger at others, and harder to look at ourselves. We often need to get help from others outside of our relationship to be more objective. Many happily married couples have experienced times of great stress in their relationships. They stuck it out and got the help and support they needed to continue on. They also had to do things differently to avoid the same unproductive relationship patterns that caused the stress. RECOMMENDED READING: "The Relationship Rescue" by Dr. Phil McGraw or "True Love" (How to Make Your Relationship Sweeter, Deeper, and More Passionate) by Daphne Rose Kingma.
Last, and most importantly, LISTEN!!
Avoid being defensive when receiving feedback. Consider that most feedback has some kernel of information that you can use. Be open to hearing and acknowledging the requests and feedback from friends, family and relationships. RECOMMENDED READING: "The Lost Art of Listening" (How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships) by Michael Nichols.

I hope this article helps inspire and motivate you to keep going on your quest for more love and relationship fulfillment!
-------------------
Suzanne Blake, PCC, specializes in coaching for career change and transitions, relationships, and mentoring new or existing coaches. Visit her at www.suzannecoach.com to find out how to subscribe to her monthly ezine.

This-N-That

Making Choices: Wisdom from a Young Man

The following was sent to me from a 3-Minute Coach subscriber. It was written by her 26 year-old son. It was so beautifully written and such food for thought that I asked permission to share it with you here.

"I was thinking about what I wrote the other day, about the prejudices people can have about what is the shortest path, and that shorter is better somehow.

The conclusion that I came to is that when you have weighed out all of your options, and you have two possible paths in front of you, and you cannot decide what to do, there is one last thing to consider.

In your time on Earth, the best way to be sure that you are following the correct path is to choose the path of virtue. As long as you have food on the table (and you always will), you can be assured that choosing a life of virtue is its own reward.

It is too easy to overanalyze cosmic signs and the various forces at play. If, when we are confused or indecisive, we remind ourselves that just by living we are on our path, and there is no way (and no reason) to shorten the path, then making "the right choice" becomes secondary.

Everybody has their own specific goal, but for me all I want to know is how to make "the right choice." Especially for my career and long term family life. I cannot envision a better guiding principle than virtue for my time on Earth.

I have no plans to become or act like a saint. I just think that consciously trying to become a better person is the right choice in every situation. If fact, I imagine that I will dedicate an eon of future lifetimes to the goal of becoming a better person. That, I think, is the shortest, longest, and only way from A to B. That's the new path."

Principle #26: RECOGNIZE AND TELL THE TRUTH
The truth is the most attractive thing of all, but it requires skills and awareness.

CLARIFICATION

Being able to recognize and tell the truth covers a number of items:

Honesty.
Language and having the ability to articulate what you mean (and not just get in the ballpark).
Sensitivity and skill in stating the truth without the intention of wounding
Lack of fear of the consequences of telling the truth.
Ability to recognize truth from perception of truth.
Understanding that the 'truth' can fluctuate and change.

KEY POINTS

Integrity vs. Honesty. Integrity is about being whole and doing what is best for you to make and keep you whole. Honesty is about telling the truth. The key distinction is that Honesty contributes to your integrity, but there are a number of characteristics that contribute to your integrity.
Truth vs. Facts. Truth is what is so for you. A fact is provable by others. Truth is fairly personal and may not be provable in a traditional sense.
You can't tell the truth if you can't recognize it. When we are tired, stressed, over-worked, obsessed with something, high, drunk or in some other way clouding our consciousness, it is difficult if not impossible to recognize the truth. We may see what 'was' true later, but there is no guarantee that it is true now.
Truth vs. Belief. Truth (like dreams) evolve as awareness grows. Beliefs tend to turn into dogma (I think because they are more locked into place with emotion). Because of that, it is easier for us to come to a new understanding of truth than to change a belief, especially about ourselves.
In our lifetime, the most important truths always have to do with our self and are not about someone else.

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All That BIZ

Louise Morganti Kaelin is a Life Success Coach who partners with others to help them turn their dreams into reality.
Phone: 1-484-660-3143
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Louise is a Life Success Coach who partners with individuals who are READY (to live their best life), WILLING (to explore all options) and ABLE (to accept total support). She specializes in helping those who know what they want to do and how to do it but still can't seem to get it done by breaking through the blocks and barriers to their success. For many free resources, including Louise's free newsletter of insightful, practical suggestions for creating your best life, visit her website at

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