Good. Better. Best. Which self do you want to be?

The 3-Minute Coach

October 28, 2003, Issue #55
Letting Go vs. Giving Up

Welcome to The 3-Minute Coach

It appears that Issue #53 (The Joys of Pillow Art) has found its way out of the black hole of cyberspace. Originally sent on September 29th, approximately half of the over 8000 subscribers did not receive it after 4 days. That's when I sent the "Did you receive the 9/29 issue?" message. Based on responses to people requesting the email version of the newsletter, I believe that message made it through to everyone. In the last 7 days, two of my accounts have received the original email. From what I can tell, only those who didn't receive it the first time got them in the last week. My apologies.

Since that experience and beginning with the last issue (#54, Connect to the Confidence Within) I have switched how my newsletters have been distributed. Using the service provided by http://www.EZezine.com, I hope that the process will become smoother for all of us. If you wish to leave the list, please follow the directions on the bottom of this email. This is especially important if you have multiple email accounts as the email you used to subscribe is now included in the directions.

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In joy, peace and gratitude,

Louise

Food for Thought

"I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand." --- Confucius

Keep It Simple

Teach That Which You Most Need To Learn;
Give That Which You Most Need To Receive

Something I've repeatedly noticed is that the best way to learn something is to teach it. I believe that concept works because you are keeping your attention focused on your desired learning. The very fact that we need to impart knowledge about something makes us continually think about and, where necessary, fine-tune it. We are forced to think about the topic and keep working on it.

The same is true when we give others what we need. It's an interesting phenomenon that when we start thanking others or acknowledging what they've done for us, we start feeling thanked or acknowledged. In fact, when working with clients on needs (that is, those feelings or qualities that throw us off balance because we're not getting them), I recommend several approaches to getting those needs satisfied. One is to ask others to fill them (yep, come right out and ask for it!). Another is to start giving whatever it is to others. The odd thing is that whether or not the feeling is reciprocated, we actually start feeling that quality ourselves.

Understanding the difference between 'getting' acknowledged and 'feeling' acknowledged (or whatever feeling you're lacking) is the first step. Once you get the distinction, look for opportunities to give that feeling to others. Life truly is in your control.

Feature Article

Letting Go vs. Giving Up

Have you ever wondered what is the difference between 'letting go' and 'giving up'? There certainly seems to be a very fine line between the two. Intuitively, I know there is a different feeling between the two, but it's only recently that I was able to understand the essence of that difference.

For me, 'giving up' is like folding your cards in poker, throwing in the hand before all the cards are dealt. You stop investing energy into the project and concede failure at a point way before the finish line. Like in poker, we usually fold as a result of fear, uncertainty or a spot-on analysis of the situation and the likelihood of success. You can usually tell the difference by how you feel about the 'giving up' after you've done it. When you feel calm, confident and free, you can be pretty sure it was based on sound analysis. There are definitely times when moving on is the appropriate way to go.

On the surface, 'letting go' looks the same. What I now understand, however, is that what I'm actually letting go of is the attachment to the results, especially the results I decided the action would have before starting. This process allows me to play out the hand knowing 'Yes, I might win; Yes, I might lose' but either way I gain something from the experience". It also allows me to keep investing energy into whatever it is.

So often in life we judge ourselves not by the results of our actions, but by what we decided in advance the results 'should' be, our expectations. We often speak of others' expectations of us and how deadly they can be, yet we forget that we develop expectations as well. In many ways, our own expectations can be more devastating than someone else's expectation of us. We may have an initial knee-jerk reaction to the idea of someone else having expectations, something inside us that shouts 'No!' even as we try to live up to them. Unfortunately, our own expectations seem normal and 'right' and we rarely question them.

A long time ago, I heard an expression that I must admit I don't remember as consistently as I'd like: Let go and let God. For me, it's the essence of letting go of my attachment to the results. I believe (and tell my clients) that it is our job to figure out what we want, to develop a clear picture of that and to start moving towards it. It's God's responsibility to figure out "how". Our actions send a strong message that we are truly committed to experiencing whatever our stated goal is. The process is definitely one of "co-creation".

Next time you are feeling disappointed in how things are turning out, here are some questions to help you determine if it's time to let go:

How have I defined success in this area?
Where did that definition/number come from?
What is that result supposed to bring me? What feeling?
What other definition/number can bring me that feeling?
What am I learning in the process?
Am I taking all the actions necessary to make this come true?
Am I willing to let go of my attachment to the results?

Related Quotes

"The greatest loss of time is delay and expectation, which depend upon the future. We let go the present, which we have in our power, and look forward to that which depends upon chance, and so relinquish a certainty for an uncertainty." -- Seneca

"Never think that God's delays are God's denials. Hold on; hold fast; hold out. Patience is genius." -- Comte de Buffon

"Don't be discouraged by a failure. It can be a positive experience. Failure is, in a sense, the highway to success, inasmuch as every discovery of what is false leads us to seek earnestly after what is true, and every fresh experience points out some form of error which we shall afterwards carefully avoid.." --John Keats

"I define attachment as an inordinate need to have something occur in a specific way, at a specific time, in a specific sequence, etc. and/or an inability to let go of that which no longer serves. We may become attached to unhealthy habits, rigid mindsets, negative thinking, defense strategies, projected schedules, our own plans vs. the plan of Spirit, the first idea vs. the best idea, etc." -- Neva Howell, The Moon Lodge Visions Handbook [Read more of Neva's article on releasing attachments.]

This-N-That

Canyon Ranch's Online Meditation Room

Thanks to Penny Zahler for sharing this site with me. Canyon Ranch, the famous spa located in Lenox, Massachusetts and Tucson, Arizona have created a wonderful place with guided imagery focused on meditation, visualization and breathing. Enjoy! http://www.canyonranch.com/spa_experience/main_flash.asp

ADHD Inspiratonal Poster

My colleague, Patrick Hurley, has created a poster with a wonderful up-beat message based on the letters ADHD. This would be a terrific gift for ANYONE to receive. Visit here. http://www.addcorridorcoaching.com/poster.asp

Principles of Attraction

Attraction is the ability to consistently draw the best things in life towards you: opportunities, strong finances, rewarding relationships, whatever you define as 'the best things'. Additionally, it means to draw them forth effortlessly, without striving, scuffling or struggling.

Thomas J. Leonard has developed 28 Principles of Attraction in his book "The Portable Coach". (Visit Amazon.Com) .

Each newsletter I will take one principle and highlight its key points. For a pdf version of all 28 principles, email attraction04@touchpointcoaching.com .

I have created a page out on the website that takes all of the Principles, with the clarification and key points I have written for each of them. It will always be updated up til the last newsletter! Principles 1-24 are there now. You can see it here: Atraction Plus!

Principle #24: SIMPLIFY EVERYTHING
Abandoning nonessentials leaves more room for attraction.

CLARIFICATION

This principle may be one of the 'simplest' to understand but not always the 'easiest' to accomplish. It can become easier when we stop defining ourselves as successful based on how much stuff we have. It definitely becomes easier when we realize it's not just about stuff. To simplify means to make easier; to focus on what's truly important and let everything that's unimportant (stuff, people, beliefs, attitudes, approaches) just fall to the wayside.

KEY POINTS

Sometimes we need to physically eliminate things. Most of the time we can accomplish simplification by just focusing on what's important: the 'First Things First' idea. Sometimes we can accomplish it by creating reserves: Have enough of what you need on hand (a 3 to 6 month supply).
Simplify vs. Eradicate: To simplify means to make less complex. To eradicate means to cut things out. Eradication is one way to simplify, but the key is in recognizing what is getting in the way and what's not. You need not -- and should not -- get rid of anything that is important and adds joy to your life.
Space vs. Time. When you have room and freedom to think and live, you can better manage your time because you will be anticipating better. When you don't have enough space, time becomes a limited resource. There is plenty of time, but only if you first create enough space.
As you look at all the places in your life that you could simplify, don't forget to look at promises, projects, plans and goals. Don't make any new promises or commitments and let go of all unfinished business that feels non-essential by consciously choosing to not go forward with that idea. It is critical that you bring consciousness to the process. Leave yourself space to get to #5.
One way you know you are being successful with this principle is that you feel bored. That's the good news. Boredom is a way station on the road to fulfillment. You are making the time and space for what is truly important to you. Savor the boredom. It's a sign of progress.

If you want to discuss these points with a coach, contact me for a complimentary session at compsession04@touchpointcoaching.com

Three-Minute Tools

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Here's what's available to you:

ONE-PAGE SUMMARY PDF of ATTRACTION PRINCIPLES
Thomas Leonard's 28 Principles of Attraction
ONE-PAGE SUMMARY PDF of THE FOUR AGREEMENTS
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
ONE-PAGE SUMMARY PDF of 21 LEADER'S QUALITIES
21 Indispensable Qualities of a Leader by John Maxwell
100-POINT CLASS ACT ASSESSMENT
Track your progress towards becoming a Class Act.
100-POINT SUPERRESERVE ASSESSMENT
Identify areas where you already have reserves and find new ones.
EXERCISE: RELEASE THE PAST
PDF file with directions for letting go.
EXERCISE: WHEEL OF LIFE
PDF Exercise for gaining clarity on goals
EXERCISE: QUILTING BE
PDF Exercise to step outside the box and get a fresh perspective on a situation.

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All That BIZ

Louise Morganti Kaelin is a Life Success Coach who partners with others to help them turn their dreams into reality.
Phone: 1-617-984-2868 or 1-866-COACH-99 (toll-free inside USA)
Email: louise@touchpointcoaching.com
Web: http://touchpointcoaching.com

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