Good. Better. Best. Which self do you want to be?

The 3-Minute Coach

October 13, 2003, Issue #54
Connect to the Confidence Within

Welcome to The 3-Minute Coach

This issue is value-packed. Hope you enjoy it and the fact that I am committed to going back on my every-two-weeks schedule. If you plan to take advantage of Suzanne Falter-Burn's offer (See Section 5: Special Opportunity), remember to do order the book from Amazon on October 15th.

Reminder: If you'd prefer to read the newsletter on-line in HTML format you can do so here

In joy, peace and gratitude,

Louise

Food for Thought

"The real value of people who do good things is that they inspire the rest of us to be better." --- Dan Warner

Keep It Simple

Measure Twice, Cut Once And Know When Enough Is Enough

Conventional wisdom tells us to measure twice and cut once, to double- check our work before letting it go out. I know that makes sense to all of us, yet I wonder how often we bypass this step.

Making (and keeping) things simple isn't always easy. It takes time and energy to double-check our work. However, most of us would agree it takes far longer to do the job over again because we need to start at the beginning, or to work through the embarrassment of 'doing it wrong'.

As our skills improve we begin to think that we don't need to 'waste' time on the extra steps that will ensure the outcome we want. If precision matters in the result, give yourself the gift of measuring twice and cutting once. It is the simplest way to go.

At the other end of the spectrum, we sometimes get caught up in doing, and redoing, a job (or project) until it is perfect. That is definitely a waste of time. Perfection is not attainable. Not because you can't do it correctly, but because the definition of perfection keeps changing. Seeking perfection is actually a way we keep ourselves from having what we truly want. It stops us from ever experiencing joy in the moment because what we are seeking is always 'out there', just beyond our reach.

Make your goal to improve the next one, to learn from the process of completing this one. There is incredible power in the process of completion. Allow yourself to enjoy just how perfect that can be!

(Note: If you're familiar with the concept of A Perfect Life, you'll know that there is a significant difference between perfection and perfect. Going for a perfect life (or job or relationship) isn't about having everything just so; it's about recognizing how the present IS perfect right now. Making something 'more' perfect is VERY attainable.)

Feature Article

Ten Ways to Connect to the Confidence Within You

Working with a variety of people from all walks of life has given me some insight into the process of success. Regardless of our background, skills, experience, or attitude, we can't be successful until we feel confident about who we are and what we're doing. It's one of those cart before the horse things, since we tend to think that being successful will give us confidence. In fact, feeling confident FIRST will allow us to experience success and the achievement of our goals. Here are some ways to connect to the confidence within you.

Be aware that confidence comes from inside, not outside.
You can't use others as a yardstick. Other people take their cue from you. If you act confident, people will have confidence in you. If you are hesitant or timid, no one will be able to put their trust in you.
Start with your strengths (and we ALL have them)
Make a list of your strengths, no matter how silly the list may seem at first glance. If you can boil a 'mean' pot of water or touch your nose with your toes, let yourself get in touch with how you feel about that. That feeling is known as confidence.
Allow the memory of confident times to be your trigger.
It doesn't matter if it happened in the 2nd grade, remembering a time that you were on top of the world, if only for a moment, can be all you need to feel confident here and now, in this situation.
Confidence is like rabbits: it multiplies exponentially.
Once you start feeling confident about everything you do well, you start looking for other areas you feel confident in. You also start feeling confident about things you haven't done before. You'll be able to more honestly assess your skills and expertise and give yourself the opportunity to succeed. Allow the feeling to multiply just like all those bunnies in that commercial where the gentleman has to get approval for a check.
Maintain an attitude of gratitude.
Gratitude puts (and keeps) a smile on your face. What's the first thing you notice about confident people? They're smiling.
Identify your rules for feeling confident, then rewrite them!
If I asked the question "What must be in place in order for you to feel confident?", I can guarantee that you will have a long list of conditions that must ALL be in place in order for you to feel confident. If I asked you who wrote those rules, you would answer "I did", although it may take you a moment or two to realize that fact. If you wrote the current set, take the initiative and rewrite your rules. Make them simple, stated in the positive, and totally in your control. (P.S. There is nothing more in your control than your thoughts. That's why #3 works.) One more thing: make sure your new list is divided by OR's, not AND's.
Hang out with confident people.
Confidence is contagious. Actually, all feelings are contagious. Which group will make you feel better? One that exudes strength, confidence and positivity? Or one that is constantly seeing the worst that could happen, fearful of trying anything new, afraid to be embarassed? Hang out with the one that makes you feel like you can accomplish anything you want!
Completion equals confidence.
Finishing anything at all gives you confidence. The knowledge that you can put your mind to something and do it is all that is required to feel confident. Look around and finish everything you see unfinished.
Only you can kill the feeling of confidence.
Just as you can't find confidence outside of yourself, no one else can stop you from feeling confident. Have you ever noticed that really confident people are oblivious to your opinion of them? No matter what you've done, it's only YOUR opinion that matters.
Don't worry about getting 'above' yourself.
Some of us don't want to get too big for our britches. We think that downplaying our abilities is the way to go. The truth is that thinking is jsut another way to keep playing small. It undermines our ability to succeed because after a while we start believing that 'it' was no big deal. As Norman Vincent Peale expressed it: "Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy." I like that phrase, 'humble but reasonable'. If you keep that in mind, you can't go wrong.

Related Quotes

"Confidence on the outside begins by living with integrity on the inside." -- Brian Tracy

"Self-confidence is the first requisite to great undertakings." -- Samuel Johnson

Having once decided to achieve a certain task, achieve it at all costs of tedium and distaste. The gain in self-confidence of having accomplished a tiresome labor is immense. -- Arnold Bennett

"If I have lost confidence in myself, I have the universe against me." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"When you have confidence, you can have a lot of fun. And when you have fun, you can do amazing things." -- Joe Namath

The Welcome Mat Guest Column:

I've Gotta Crow*:
Ten Ways To Help You Recover From A Bad Mood
By Alvah Parker

A bad mood can ruin your whole day! What techniques do you have to get over one? I recommend to clients that they create a list of ideas that they can draw on in difficult times. Here is an example of my list. What would be on your list?

Recall something or someone who makes you happy and daydream about it or him/her.
Maybe it is about someone you love or a special trip or place you have been or want to go. I love sitting by the ocean listening to music. Once several years ago my daughter and I spent several evenings at an outdoor cafe in Santorini watching the sun set over the water. The cafe owners provided wonderful classical music on their music system. It is a place I often return to in my daydreams.
Find something or someone you are grateful for and express your gratitude to yourself, to your journal and/or to the person or others.
What is it that makes a day special? Is it seeing a Cardinal in your backyard, watching the sunset over the ocean, skiing down a mountain or getting a clean bill of health from your doctor? Look around a bit. Write about it in your journal or just remember it.
Focus on what you have been ignoring.
When was the last time you read a great novel, sat by a fire in the fireplace or had the oil in your car changed? Find something you have been meaning to do and do it!
Stay in the present. Appreciate the mundane by focusing on the activities you do without thinking like eating, bathing, walking.
Take notice of how good the water feels in the shower, how soft or hard the ground feels on your feet as you walk or just silently eat your meal and really taste it.
Get some exercise-go for a walk, ride your bike, jog etc.
I had a coach who used one of those big exercise balls to change her mood. Bouncing on the ball made her giggle and forget whatever it was that was bothering her.
Take a break and have a cup of tea. Sit quietly for 15 minutes. Keep your mind blank.
Often the silence is enough to change my mood. Sitting quietly keeping my mind off everything brings me back. I particularly like doing this and having a cup of hot tea in the winter.
Pick a piece of uplifting music and listen to it.
Show tunes make me smile! You must know that by now.‹g› How about you? What kind of music makes you happy?
Find your own special place to gather strength. Popular possibilities are sitting by the ocean/river/pond, visiting a mountain range, sitting or standing by a lovely garden.
In the summer the best place for me to change my mood is by the ocean. I love to watch the waves come in and out. Planting my garden also gives me a boost. I've been told by others that looking up at mountains does the same for them. At the present time I don't live by any mountain ranges.
Watch a young child play. See how engaged they are in the moment and in what they are doing. Join them.
I recently hosted a dinner party for 6 adults and 2 children. The 17 month old loved the jar of bubble liquid that I gave him. He giggled with delight as I blew bubbles for him. As he laughed and chased the bubbles I couldn't help smile at his enthusiasm, happiness, and general contentment for the way things are.
Sing your favorite song with or without the radio or stereo on.
Crowing worked for Mary Martin! (See song title above.) It is hard for me to imagine being sad when I am singing.

*Title of a song from Peter Pan by Betty Comden and Adolph Green
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Copyright 2003 by Alvah Parker, Work/Life Coach. Alvah works with individuals to help them gain more meaning from their work AND make more money. To find our more about her work, visit her website at www.asparker.com or call her at 781-598-0388. She also produces two monthly publications, ROAD TO SUCCESS ezine and PARKER'S POINTS tip list filled with worklife hints and ideas. To subscribe, send an email with 'subscribe' as the subject to: asparker@asparker.com or use this link: Subscribe to Alvah's newsletters

This-N-That

Special Opportunity:"Living Your Joy"
Buy this Book on October 15th, Get Lots of Bonuses

My colleague, Suzanne Falter-Barns, of howmuchjoy.com , has just released her long awaited second book, and it's a must-read for anyone who's got a dream. Not only that, she's made a special offer to the readers of my ezine. If you buy it on October 15, you'll get an incredible bonus package of freebies!

"Living Your Joy; A Practical Guide to Happiness" effectively answers the question we all have: how to make a living doing what you love. Suzanne says her goal with the book is to help people overcome their three biggest barriers to living their dream: finding the time, the energy, and the money to make it happen. If you read her first book, "How Much Joy Can You Stand?", you know she delivers -- and powerfully.

In "Living Your Joy", you'll learn some really great tips and strategies for making that leap to the work of your dreams. Suzanne shows you

How to say no to your boss when they want you to work late
How to turn your day job into your personal "patron of the arts"
Short cuts that help you create more than ten free hours per week
How to make a loose, creative business plan
How to set up a creative work space that really inspires you

Suzanne Falter-Barns is a winning role model for this approach, having made the transition from corporate drone to critically acclaimed three-time author, successful web entrepreneur, and national motivational speaker and seminar leader, not to mention wife and mother of two!

Best of all, Suzanne has made us a special offer: if you buy "Living Your Joy" on Wednesday. October 15, you can help yourself to more than $300 in free reports (including three of my efforts: Release_the_Past, Quilting 'Be" and my ebooklet "Blueprint for Success: 101 Tips to Reclaim Your Vital Energy and Get the Results You Want"). In addition, you'll get a chance to win almost $2000 in prizes that will assist you to take the next step in living your joy. THIS OFFER ENDS AT MIDNIGHT ON OCTOBER 15! Just buy the book from amazon.com by using this link: Buy Living Your Joy It's currently an even more joyful deal at 20% off list, $10.36

Then, to claim your bonuses, simply forward your confirmation email from Amazon indicating your purchase of the book to amazonday@howmuchjoy.com

By the way, Suzanne also has two free sample chapters from Living Your Joy on her website at www.howmuchjoy.com/livingyourjoy.html

Thanks for considering this terrific book, one that I think could seriously boost your dreams, and put you on the path to joy.

Principles of Attraction

Attraction is the ability to consistently draw the best things in life towards you: opportunities, strong finances, rewarding relationships, whatever you define as 'the best things'. Additionally, it means to draw them forth effortlessly, without striving, scuffling or struggling.

Thomas J. Leonard has developed 28 Principles of Attraction in his book "The Portable Coach". (Visit Amazon.Com) .

Each newsletter I will take one principle and highlight its key points. For a pdf version of all 28 principles, email attraction04@touchpointcoaching.com .

I have created a page out on the website that takes all of the Principles, with the clarification and key points I have written for each of them. It will always be updated up til the last newsletter! Principles 1-22 are there now. You can see it here: Atraction Plus!

Principle #23: ORIENT YOURSELF AROUND YOUR VALUES
When you spend your days doing what fulfills you, you are attractive.

CLARIFICATION

If you've read my newsletter for any length of time, you know that I speak of being 'in' integrity as having your actions match your words which match your beliefs. At the core of this formula is your belief about what is important. When I feel 'out' of integrity, I am not honoring my values. When my buttons are pushed by others, it is usually because they are violating one of my values (although not necessarily one of theirs). In fact, this is true whether we are aware of what our core values are or not and we can use these emotions to identify them.

Getting clear about what you do hold important and then aligning your life around those values offers us a truly simple way to live our best life. Defining goals that are in harmony with what is truly important, avoiding people or places that throw us 'off', satisfying our need to be at peace with ourselves -- all these steps can leapfrog us into being our best self and living our best life.

KEY POINTS

Values vs. Priorities. Values are you. A priority is something you decide to do sooner rather than later.
Fulfillment vs. Satisfaction. When you are fulfilled, your soul is full. When you are satisfied, your body, mind and/or heart is satiated.
You'll know you are making progress when you don't find yourself torn between things. Your values will choose for you.
Sometimes, we do crazy things in order to fulfill a 'need'. The more the lack of something creates imbalance in our lives, the more likely it is that the 'need' is an unexpressed value. The very strength of the value is what throws us off so much when we don't get it (and often makes it harder to achieve it). If you are feeling out of whack because you are not getting something, try giving it. For example, if you are feeling 'starved' for love, start showing love. As you start to express this value, you get more balanced, which then becomes attractive and opens up the door for you being loved. Get it?
For me, lack of integrity shows up in my stomach. (Pain in my chest or throat is usually fear). Pay attention to how not being in integrity shows up in your body. It's a valuable clue to figure out what is important (i.e., a value) to you.

Tools for Identifying Values

I have three tools available to help you identify your values.

Exercise #1: Values Inventory
The first exercise is an inventory I developed several years ago of about 100 words and a list of questions to let you narrow down to your 10 core values. This is available at values04@touchpointcoaching.com

The other two are what are called inside-out exercises. I believe these are simpler, more elegant ways to get at your values.

Exercise #2: Rolemodel Question
Answer this question. If you have the opportunity to role-model 3 qualities for the world, what would those qualities be? (The answer to this question represents your top 3 values).

Exercise #3: What's Most Important

Divide a clean piece of paper into 2 columns: Left and Right.
Answer the following question until your answers 'dry up'. Write the answers down on the left side of a clean piece of paper. Leave the right hand column free. The question is: "What is most important to you in your life?" "What ELSE is important to you in life?" Keep going until you can't think of anything else.
Once you have your answers, go back to the beginning of the list. For each item on the left, identify whether that is the 'means' or the 'end'. To figure this out, ask the following question: (example: first item is financial security) What will financial security bring me? For most of us, that question will evoke answers such as "peace of mind", "freedom", "security" or something else. From this example, you can see that financial security is the means, not the end. Some of the items you listed will be "means", others "ends". Double-check each answer by asking again, What will "this new thing" bring me? If you can't fine-tune it further, then you know it's an end. Put the "end" on the right hand side.
After you've gone through your list, draw a line under both columns. Starting on the first line of the left, take each word and write it on the bottom of the paper (or on a clean sheet). Only write each word once, the first time it occurs. Very often some of the things that are important to us are differing means to the same end. For example, family, friends, community might all lead us to a sense of connection. So connection would end up on your new list once.
Look at the list you've just made. This is your list of values. Prioritize.

If you want to discuss these points with a coach, contact me for a complimentary session at compsession04@touchpointcoaching.com

Three-Minute Tools

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Here's what's available to you:

ONE-PAGE SUMMARY PDF of ATTRACTION PRINCIPLES
Thomas Leonard's 28 Principles of Attraction
ONE-PAGE SUMMARY PDF of THE FOUR AGREEMENTS
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
ONE-PAGE SUMMARY PDF of 21 LEADER'S QUALITIES
21 Indispensable Qualities of a Leader by John Maxwell
100-POINT CLASS ACT ASSESSMENT
Track your progress towards becoming a Class Act.
100-POINT SUPERRESERVE ASSESSMENT
Identify areas where you already have reserves and find new ones.
EXERCISE: RELEASE THE PAST
PDF file with directions for letting go.
EXERCISE: WHEEL OF LIFE
PDF Exercise for gaining clarity on goals
EXERCISE: QUILTING BE
PDF Exercise to step outside the box and get a fresh perspective on a situation.

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All That BIZ

Louise Morganti Kaelin is a Life Success Coach who partners with others to help them turn their dreams into reality.
Phone: 1-617-984-2868 or 1-866-COACH-99 (toll-free inside USA)
Email: louise@touchpointcoaching.com
Web: http://touchpointcoaching.com

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Copyright (c) 2003, all rights reserved. The 3-Minute Coach is a publication of TouchPoint Coaching. Permission is granted to reproduce, copy or distribute this newsletter provided that The 3-Minute Coach is kept intact, and this copyright notice and full information about contacting the author are attached.