Good. Better. Best. Which self do you want to be?

The 3-Minute Coach

April 15, 2003, Issue #50
Emotional Response Primer

Welcome to The 3-Minute Coach

I'm pleased to announce that my website has a new look and feel, one that I believe really reflects. me! As Judy McDonald, Owner of "Judy's Bath Gems' put it: "The new site looks great! Although I loved the pansies, the new site looks cleaner and more professional. The photo on every page is very helpful. It shows a kind face and gives us a glimpse of an open, welcoming personality. You look organized, relaxed, and self-assured."

I hope you'll agree with Judy. Please check it out at www.touchpointcoaching.com.

Also, starting with this issue of the newsletter, I will post the newsletter on the site at the same time that I send out the plain text version. That way, if you prefer to view and read it in html format, you can do so online Here!

In joy, peace and gratitude,

Louise

Food for Thought

"It's not true that nice guys finish last. Nice guys are winners before the game even starts." --- Addison Walker

Keep It Simple

Towards a Paperless Environment

Don't you find it interesting that we are going wireless before we go paperless? Especially since paper has been around so much longer than wires and wires are mostly invisible to us anyway. I don't feel encumbered by wires, but I certainly do by paper.

Recently, I have started looking at all the paper in my life. Although I doubt we will ever go completely paperless, we can certainly move towards a Less-Paper environment! Here are some suggestions to help you out.

Operating Manuals and User Guides. Many of the operating manuals and user guides for the equipment you own are available online in PDF format. I recently brought approximately 12 inches of manuals that were stored in a file drawer down to less than 2 inches. Some manuals were readily available for download on the company's website. Many were sent to me after an email request with the appropriate model number. After I exhausted the online resources, I scanned some others in order to eliminate the paper. (You need special software to save the scanned documents as word files. I tried doing it as a picture, but the files were way too big).
Keep a Master-Information list. Sometimes we hang on to a piece of paper that has a name or other contact information that we may decide we need later. Start a file in your word processor to keep only the pertinent information and discard the original. (For example, contact John Doe, phone #, email if interested in pursuing opportunity to xxx.)
Create a Business Card file. I kept coming across business cards that I didn't feel comfortable tossing, so I created a file in Word with the following columns: Name (Last, First); Category, Phone Numbers, Other Info. Now I have a place to keep the information off of the cards, which I can throw out.
Use the 80/20 rule.If you haven't looked at it in 3 months, you probably never will. 80% of the paper we keep we never look at again. Try to ask yourself for EACH piece of paper. Is this the 80 or the 20?
If you create folders, put a date on the label. Pick a date in the future (example, one year from today). When you come across that file in a year, you can probably automatically toss it. At the very least, go through it, toss what you can and put a new date on it, 1 year from that date. This will give you a system to keep the piles at a minimum.
Backup! As you start depending on your computer more and more, don't forget to back up your data. Save copies to disk or cd's on a regular basis. Think of it as insurance. Knowing you have a backup can provide even greater peace of mind than having stacks of paper copies.

What's your secret for keeping the Paper Tiger at bay? Let me know and I'll share them with our readers. louise@touchpointcoaching.com

Feature Article

Emotional Response Primer

Have a good emotional response lately? Is there someone who makes you see red every time you're with them? Do you replay conversations over and over, getting upset or angry each time you do? You're not alone. Everyone I know does this. How frequently it happens, and how we handle these situations when it does, is a good indication of where we are on our spiritual path.

When we accept total responsibility for our lives, we begin to understand that we create these situations, and we create them for a reason. While we cannot control the actions or behaviors of others, we can control our emotional response. With that perspective in mind, we start to look at these situations as the opportunities for growth and change that they really are.

Here are some simple questions to ask yourself when you find yourself responding emotionally in a way that you don't like. One of these questions (sometimes two!) will probably allow you to release the emotional response and get on with your life.

Is it them?
What if whatever the person said or did that pushed your button wasn't about you, but about them? What would that mean? Sometimes we play a role for others in their development, offering them an opportunity to grow and change. If we ask these questions, how does the answer leave us feeling? Does seeing that whatever happened is a reflection of them and not us help?

Feel calmer? Send a prayer to bless and release the other person, providing them support to work through their issue, but in a way that does not involve you emotionally.
Are they a mirror?
What action or behavior of the other person reminds you of you, of an action or behavior that you don't like or are ashamed of? Can you recognize yourself at all in the other person's behavior? When we are uncomfortable about a behavior, we sometimes ask (unconsciously, of course) someone to mirror that behavior to keep us in check. Seeing someone else take selfishness to the extreme serves as a good reminder to us to keep that occasional selfish act at bay. The problem is twofold. One, on a scale of 1 to 100, we tend to perform the problem behavior on a 5 or 10, but we ask someone who operates on a 90 or 95 to be our mirror. Second, we forget that we asked them to be our mirror and we get lost in the injustice of their behavior. Do you see a connection? Be brutally honest with this one.

Feel calmer? Write a postcard to the other person. You won't send it, you'll burn it. In the postcard, release the person from the contract. Thank them for providing the service, but tell them you no longer need it as you are now aware of the issue. You now understand that you do not have to keep yourself in check the way you thought you did. When you burn the postcard, do a prayer to bless and release both of you to proceed forward with your lives, either separately or together in a healthy, happy way
Is a value being violated?
Very often our deepest emotional responses come when one of our values is being violated. This is actually one of the clues to help you identify your values. Pay attention to when the absence of something (like respect or justice) pushes your button. It is probably one of your core values

Feel calmer? Identify ways to bring this value into your life in a more active way. Identify at least one major goal that is linked to this value and start taking action on it.
What life lesson is being taught?
I believe that we come into this life with a specific purpose and that part of bringing that purpose to fruition is to undergo certain experiences or life lessons. I also have a theory that the first half of our life is about learning our lessons and the second half is about putting that knowledge into practice in the service of others (fulfilling our life purpose, if you will).

Does whatever is happening feel familiar? Can you remember other times in your past when you felt this same way? What pattern do you recognize? If there is a sense of familiarity around what is going on, then it is very likely a life lesson. This is a definite opportunity to learn the lesson once and for all, since life lessons tend to keep presenting themselves to us so that we may learn them.

Feel calmer? Take inventory. What do you need in order to complete this lesson? Sometimes, awareness of the pattern or life lesson is all we need to break the cycle. Sometimes we need to take concrete action or develop and build skills to strengthen ourselves or an area of our life. There are times when we just need to understand that the experience is linked to our life purpose, that by having that experience we will be better prepared to more effectively fulfill our life purpose. If that is where you are, then figure out how to start expressing your life purpose.
Where do you need to take action?
Are there a number of people pushing your buttons? What is the common thread on what is going on? Recently, a client had 6 different situations that were bringing him down. We started by discussing each one, but pretty soon a pattern of feeling not in control and not respected started emerging. We looked at his life and identified a major area where he was feeling frustrated and it was causing him to lose self-respect. He realized that this was the real area that needed to be addressed. The primary difference between this and a recurring life lesson is the time element. All of the situations are concentrated now, not spread out over a lifetime.

Feel calmer? Identify what action you are going to take and when. Then do it. Also, write one postcard to all the individuals who were pointing out the situation to you following the guidelines above.
How does this serve you?
Sometimes a difficult situation that drives us mental provides us with an unseen payoff. For example, a client was frustrated because her daughter and new husband often seemed to be at loggerheads, fighting over spending time with her. As we examined this, she realized that the benefit she was experiencing was to feel special because they were fighting over her. In fact, she was able to accept that she was creating the situation in order to feel special. (That is the enlightened aspect we talked about earlier).

Feel calmer? A postcard is in order here, thanking the individuals involved and releasing them from their contract. Identify other ways to get that same feeling.

I hope you find this helpful. As a final note, I wanted to mention that emotional response tends to be different than feeling in that feeling is current. It exists in the present and unites you to the present. Emotional reaction appears to be triggered by a present event, but in fact is seldom related to the present. It usually has a lot more to do with the past or future, and contains a sense of powerlessness.

Experiment with these questions and let me know how this works for you.

Related Quotes

"Pain (any pain--emotional, physical, mental) has a message. The information it has about our life can be remarkably specific, but it usually falls into one of two categories: "We would be more alive if we did more of this," and, "Life would be more lovely if we did less of that." Once we get the pain's message, and follow its advice, the pain goes away." - Peter McWilliams

"Life is just a mirror, and what you see out there, you must first see inside of you." - Wally 'Famous' Amos

"When you make a mistake, don't look back at it long. Take the reason of the thing into your mind and then look forward. Mistakes are lessons of wisdom. The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power." - Hugh White

"When the student is ready. . . the lesson appears." - Gene Oliver

"One thing about the school of experience is that it will repeat the lesson if you flunk the first time." - Author Unknown

The Welcome Mat Guest Column:

You Can Have Joy!
By Mark O. Wilson

There's a big difference between happiness and joy.

Happiness depends on "happenings". If good things happen, we're happy. If bad things happen - we're sad or angry.

Joy, on the other hand, is a deep abiding sense of contentment. It remains strong and steady regardless of the situation.

You can possess joy and still have moments of unhappiness. You can experience some happy moments, without knowing the deeper joy.

Many people try to capture joy by chasing fleeting moments of happiness. Movies, amusement parks, sky diving, accomplishments, alcohol, popularity, food and relationships are just a few of the activities individuals pursue to create some "artificial joy." The problem is that these things do not provide a cure for emptiness of the heart. They just distract us for a while.

Some folks have "destination disease" - thinking that real happiness will come in the future . . .
When I get married
When I graduate
When I'm promoted
When I retire.

Wake up and smell the coffee! If you're not content now, you won't be content then either! Joy is an inside job. What happens in you is far more important that what happens to you.

Real joy comes from being connected with God. It has nothing to do with your circumstances, and everything to do with the state of your soul.

If you wish to increase the joy and contentment in your life. . .

Love Much.
The greatest joy in all the world is loving and being loved. Loving much means releasing all resentment and unforgiveness. It means moving outside of yourself and becoming a generous person. You cannot love much when you are consumed by selfishness. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
Live Right.
You cannot possibly maintain a joyful heart if you are carrying a heavy load of guilt and shame. When you mess up - 'fess up! Don't try to cover it up or hide your blunder. Face up to the truth. The truth will set you free.

You must not allow the past to hold you hostage. Addictions and other harmful behaviors can be conquered through the power of prayer, surrender, and self-discipline.

Declare war on anything in your life that holds you back from being all that you ought to be! Commit yourself to personal growth and right living.
Think Straight.
Your attitude determines your altitude. Living well requires a steady diet of good thoughts. Refuse to allow the "little bugs on the windshield" (worry, frustrations, regrets, tensions) to deter you from a positive frame of mind.

The quality of your life is measured largely by what you think. Be sure you're capturing the best thoughts, and living according to your highest priorities.

Mark O. Wilson is Senior Pastor of the Hayward Wesleyan Church of Hayward, Wisconsin. There are many additional writings available on the "Positively Speaking" section of their website, www.haywardwesleyan.org .

This-N-That

(1) Discount at Prescott Log Cabin

One of our subscribers, Vicki Howard of Prescott, Arizona is offering a $100 discount to readers of 'The 3 Minute Coach' for some wonderful themed retreats being offered at her Bed & Breakfast, the Prescott Log Cabin. You can find out about the B&B (http://www.prescottlogcabin.com) or the retreats (www.PrescottLogCabin.com/retreats). Just let Vicki know you heard about it here!

(2) Discover University

I wanted to recommend a new and innovative learning community called DiscoverUniversity. DiscoverU is based on a simple but powerful belief ... everyone has the answers to lead the life they want inside of them. Through small and personalized tele-courses, book groups and speaker events, learners discover the root sources of their unique life challenges and opportunities and learn how to develop and test new practical life skills to effect positive and lasting change

There are three reasons why I think you'll like what you see at DiscoverU:

1. It is practical - DiscoverU is not based on theory - it is a hands-on, practical approach to internalizing what you want, what you need to change or do to get it, and how to get started.
2. It is powerful - In today's uncertain times it is more important then ever that people tap into their own inner strength to create the life they want-DiscoverU is the place to learn how to do that.
3. It's personal - Unlike many self-help tools and approaches that are broad or "one-way" (e.g. self-help books/tapes, large seminars, media outlets and other teleclasses) DiscoverU offers tailored and interactive value.

Bottom line, DiscoverU is all about helping people turn inspiration into action. I am proud to be affiliated with an organization that provides services for life-long learners. I encourage you to check out their site today, at www.DiscoverUniversity.com.

Principles of Attraction

Attraction is the ability to consistently draw the best things in life towards you: opportunities, strong finances, rewarding relationships, whatever you define as 'the best things'. Additionally, it means to draw them forth effortlessly, without striving, scuffling or struggling.

Thomas J. Leonard has developed 28 Principles of Attraction in his book "The Portable Coach". (Visit Amazon.Com) .

Each newsletter I will take one principle and highlight its key points. For a pdf version of all 28 principles, email attraction04@touchpointcoaching.com .

I have created a page out on the website that takes all of the Principles, with the clarification and key points I have written for each of them. It will always be updated up til the last newsletter! That is, Principles 1-12 are there now, Principles 1-16 are there now. You can see it here: Atraction Plus!

Principle #19: PERFECT YOUR ENVIRONMENT
The Attraction OS (Operating System) is a sophisticated system that requires a first-class environment.

CLARIFICATION

Attraction is an evolutionary process in that it evolves and takes shape with each principle you put into practice. Part of this process is connecting to the feeling of joy, which attracts more joy into your life. Another part of the process is staying in the present. So, what brings you joy right now? And what needs to be upgraded to bring you joy? Constantly perfecting your environment, molding it into your 'best' life is key here.

KEY POINTS

Perfect isn't forever. It's what is perfect right now. By definition, it may change tomorrow as you change tomorrow.
Buff vs Excellent. Something that is excellent is of the highest quality. Excellence + Personal Style = Buff. In other words, when something is buff, it has your personal stamp on it, it reflects your personal style. It IS you. (And that makes it perfect!)
Perfect doesn't mean large. It very well might be that your perfect environment is simpler, smaller, quieter. What makes your heart sing? That will give you an indication of what is perfect for you.
I often think in terms of 'more perfect'. That means that instead of focusing on what is perfect, I look at what would make my environment 'more' perfect right now. Sometimes it's adding something new, sometimes it's just reorganizing or moving something that is already there. (I actually do this instead of cleaning. it is so much more fun!)
Some areas to think about that are less obvious places to create perfection are: your body, your food and liquids, your tools, the energy around you, your lighting, sounds, air and visuals, and your integrity. Strive for perfection (or 'more' perfect) in all areas of your life!

If you want to discuss these points with a coach, contact me for a complimentary session at compsession04@touchpointcoaching.com

Three-Minute Tools

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Here's what's available to you:

ONE-PAGE SUMMARY PDF of ATTRACTION PRINCIPLES
Thomas Leonard's 28 Principles of Attraction
ONE-PAGE SUMMARY PDF of THE FOUR AGREEMENTS
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
ONE-PAGE SUMMARY PDF of 21 LEADER'S QUALITIES
21 Indispensable Qualities of a Leader by John Maxwell
100-POINT CLASS ACT ASSESSMENT
Track your progress towards becoming a Class Act.
100-POINT SUPERRESERVE ASSESSMENT
Identify areas where you already have reserves and find new ones.
EXERCISE: RELEASE THE PAST
PDF file with directions for letting go.
EXERCISE: WHEEL OF LIFE
PDF Exercise for gaining clarity on goals
EXERCISE: QUILTING BE
PDF Exercise to step outside the box and get a fresh perspective on a situation.

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All That BIZ

Louise Morganti Kaelin is a Life Success Coach who partners with others to help them turn their dreams into reality.
Phone: 1-617-984-2868 or 1-866-COACH-99 (toll-free inside USA)
Email: louise@touchpointcoaching.com
Web: http://touchpointcoaching.com

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