Good. Better. Best. Which self do you want to be?

The 3-Minute Coach

November 12, 2002, Issue #45
Releasing the Past

Welcome to The 3-Minute Coach

This issue focuses on freeing ourselves from old emotions and provides two exercises, one written and the other kinesthetic to help release us from the past. The first is written by me and the second by my good friend, Richard Ross of www.emotionalfreedom.com .

I hope you find them both helpful.

In joy, peace and gratitude,

Louise

Food for Thought

"Excellence can be attained if you...
* Care more than others think is wise;
* Risk more than others think is safe;
* Dream more than others think is practical.;
* Expect more than others think is possible."
--- Author Unknown

Keep It Simple

Do-Ing It for Love

There are many different reasons why we do things in our work environment, but I find that when it comes to personal behavior there is a much narrower range of motivations. Generally, we do personal things (lose weight, learn a language, do the laundry, anything you can think of) either for ourselves or for others.

When we do it for ourselves, the whole world says "Yea!". But when we do it for others, someone always tells us it isn't okay. That we shouldn't be doing it for others, but for ourselves.

I've been thinking about this a lot because I've recently realized that there are things that I do because I love my husband and that feels right. What I've come to understand is that it's okay to use others for motivation as long as we do the thing to SHOW our love and not to GET love. See the difference?

Look at your own motives. When you're doing it "for" others, clarify whether it's to show or get love. If it's to get love, recognize that it is impossible to make anyone love you. Change your focus to doing it for yourself or for showing love. (Feel free to contact me if you need help doing this.) If it's to show love, relax. You're doing just fine!

Feature Article

Releasing the Past Exercise

I believe that there are five steps to becoming your best self and living your best life, what I call a state of Wholeness. These steps are:

Accept responsibility for your life.
Know your basics (values, standards, boundaries)
Complete the Past
Plan for the Future
Live in the Present

The following exercise is designed to help you complete the past. (There will be more about the other steps in future - and past - newsletters!) If you want a PDF version of this exercise (with color to help separate the different portions, send a blank email to: release_past04@touchpointcoaching.com )

Overview
I am asking you to write letters that you are never going to send. You will write in order to release you from these strong emotions. Your letter must include certain components, as described below. When you are done writing, you will burn the letter to transform the emotion, freeing both you and the other person in the process. I want to emphasize that this process is to release you. A side product of that is releasing the other person, but the other person is not the focus of the healing.

Step (1) Identify recipient of letter
Make a list of people you have strong painful or sad feelings about. For many of us, a letter to our parents, either separately or collectively as a unit, is the place to start. If you have recurring negative self-talk, try to remember where you first heard it. That is usually the person to start with.
Step (2) Write the letter
Write a letter to the person or persons you identified above. The format of the letter should be as follows. It is important to include all the different sections.
- PART 1 (INTRO)
  Sometimes this is the hardest part! Just sit down with lots of blank paper and start writing. Often a simple sentence such as the one below is all you need to get started.
  
  Dear (Name(s)),
  
  I am writing this letter in order to free myself from _____________________.
  I am tired of having ____________________ still affect my life today, so many years later.
- PART 2 (NEGATIVE EMOTIONS)
  Do as many sentences as feel right. Use the examples below as starting points, but just keep writing and writing. Let all the negative emotion out on paper. Remember that it is safe. Only you will ever see this paper and it will be burned once you are done.
  
  When I think how you _________ I feel ____________
  It hurt me so much when __________________
  I felt so lonely (sad/rejected) when you ___________
  I resent the fact that you ___________
  It makes me see red when I remember how _____________
  I have so much regret (disappointment) because _______________
- PART 3 (POSITIVE EMOTIONS)
  All I ever wanted was ___________________
  I am sorry that you never ______________
  I am sorry that I never _____________
  I always loved you because _____________
  I appreciated when you _______________
  I understand that you thought you were doing the best when ____________
  I now see that you really wanted __________________
- PART 4 (ACCEPTANCE & UNDERSTANDING OF LIFE LESSON)
  This is a critical component of the letter, and of creating the life that you want. In order to claim the power to create the future we want, we need to accept the responsibility for the life we have now. Everything in our life we chose (at a higher, spiritual level). These situations are usually linked to different experiences that we wanted to have and the lessons we wanted to learn in this lifetime. I have a theory that 75% of our life lessons are presented in our childhood. And that our major life lessons (usually painful!) we go through because they are linked to our life purpose. That the pain we go through helps us better fulfill that purpose as it often gives us insight, understanding and sensitivity to better help others around that issue.
  
  After you have gone through parts 1 and 2 of the letter, (which may be pages and pages or 2 short paragraphs long), it often feels like we went in the front door of a car wash and have now come out the back way, all squeaky clean. For many of us, it's the first time that we ever came through to the other side of all that emotion. This is the point when we can start to see the "WHY" of what we went through. Use the following sentences to get at this understanding.
  
  As I look at the person I am today, I realize that because of this experience I am a _________(better / stronger / kinder / etc ) person. Because of this, I better handle ____________. It has made me ________________ and I really like that part of myself. Thank you, _____________, for giving me the opportunity to learn this valuable life lesson.
  
  (Signature)
Step 3 (Let It Settle for 24 Hours)
After you have finished the letter (sometimes it takes several sittings to write it out), put it aside for 24 hours. Then pick it up and read it through. Is anything missing? Add a postscript if necessary.

P.S. I just remembered _________________ .
Step 4 (Burn the Letter)
Many people try to not burn the letter. They throw them in the garbage or flush them down the toilet. This doesn't work because it only moves the energy away, it doesn't release it. The fire transforms (physically and symbolically) the energy that had been stored up for years. There are 3 parts to the burning.
- Part 1 (Make it safe)
  I have a large metal bowl with high sides and I put a ceramic dish inside that. I then cut the paper into quarters, eighths or sixteenths. The size doesn't matter as long as I feel safe that I can burn each piece safely. Obviously, if you have access to a fireplace or furnace, you can take advantage of that to burn the whole thing at one time.
- Part 2 (Make it a ritual)
  Use personal symbols such as candles, religious representations, anything that opens your heart and mind to God, the Universe, whatever your spiritual connection is. Have them close by.
- Part 3 (Say the following, substituting appropriate personal spiritual connection if needed)
  
  Dear God , through this fire I ask that you transform the energy that has surrounded this situation and convert it to love. Please free and release both (insert name) and myself from this energy, allowing us each (all) to go forward in our personal journeys, free of the burden of this emotion. Please take the love that is created and send it back to the Universe, adding it to the pool of love and energy that is available to all, a positive, vibrant resource. For this gift of release and freedom, I heartily thank Thee.

Final Note
Remember that this is about you and not about the other person. You may choose to share the experience with them after you burn the letter. If they are still a part of your life, you may want (or feel a need) to do that. But, whether you do or not (and you don't need to for this to be effective), you will notice a change in your interactions with them the next time you see them. You'll be free.

Related Quotes

"One can never change the past, only the hold it has on you, and while nothing in your life is reversible, you can reverse it nevertheless." -- Merle Shain

"Ultimately, letting go of the past is important so you can live in the present." - John Kuypers

"It would add much to human happiness, if an art could be taught of forgetting all of which the remembrance is at once useless and afflictive, that the mind might perform its function without encumbrance, and the past might no longer encroach upon the present." -- Samuel Johnson

"The farther behind I leave the past, the closer I am to forging my own character." - Isabelle Eberhardt

The Welcome Mat Guest Column:

Clearing the Past
by Richard Ross

Richard developed this short emotional release (EF&H) process to help resolve any unwanted emotions or situations.

Begin by putting your attention on the problem, issue, feeling, or situation. Fully feel it. Then......

Point One
Heart Point- (find the tender, or sore, spot above left breast, below collarbone, and gently rub in a small circle) and while rubbing continuously state out loud:

"I affirm and clear:

I now let go of all limiting beliefs I took on in this or any other lifetime.

I now let go of all fear thoughts and all energies, that never belonged to me.

I now revoke, rescind, and cancel, all non-serving contracts, and all agreements and bonds which are no longer in alignment with my true life purpose!"

Stop rubbing, hold the point, and take a full breath in and out.

Point Two
Find the little knob (bump) at the center of the back of your head, where the bottom of skull meets the top of the neck, the bump is on the bone. Using several fingers, rub steadily and lightly on this knob, as you repeat out loud (pause briefly after each sentence):

"I deserve to live, and I accept love, help and healing. I now choose to love and approve of myself. I now choose to live in alignment with my true life purpose. It is safe for me to show up fully in the world now.

I now invoke a new contract...I choose to live in peace, love and joy.....I choose to live a life that supports and serves me perfectly in every way, now, and in the future .. and forever. So be it, and so it is. Amen."

Stop rubbing, hold the point, and take a full breath in and out.
------------------------------
© 2002 by Richard Ross, Transformational Coach, Energy Worker, and Spiritual Counselor.
Many of the clients that contact Richard have been through traditional therapies and still have some part of their issue that seems to refuse to resolve. He offers individual sessions by telephone across the country and abroad (all over the world), to support individuals in moving past fears, depression, abuse and panic issues, and any limiting beliefs keeping you from becoming a full expression of who you are. He created the Emotional Freedom & Healing work (EFH), for those who want to quickly move through longstanding issues in a peaceful, gentle way. If you are ready to experience these wonderful new healing modalities, contact Richard at emotionalfreedom@richardross.com or call him at 1-800-653-4465 or 541-535-3450 to arrange a free consultation. Visit his website at www.emotionalfreedom.com.

Noteworthy Website

Help New York City Firefighters

Regardless of where you live, you can show support for New York City firefighters by emailing the Mayor and Governor of New York to petition them to raise the pay for the FDNY. . The following is the text of the letter that you send to either or both gentlemen.

I support New York City's Firefighters. They are shining examples of resilience, personal strength and courage, and have too often shown us their willingness to sacrifice their lives for the safety of all New Yorkers. New York must thank the FDNY by giving them the raise they deserve and have been without for nearly four years. We must pay them a living wage so they can provide for their families in the same way New Yorkers have grown to expect they take care of us.

Please take two minutes to visit the website, www.fdnyisworthit.com and show your continued support for these men whose courage so inspired and renewed us in the aftermath of terror. [Note: This site is no longer active.

Principles of Attraction

Attraction is the ability to consistently draw the best things in life towards you: opportunities, strong finances, rewarding relationships, whatever you define as 'the best things'. Additionally, it means to draw them forth effortlessly, without striving, scuffling or struggling.

Thomas J. Leonard has developed 28 Principles of Attraction in his book "The Portable Coach". (Visit Amazon.Com) .

Each newsletter I will take one principle and highlight its key points. For a pdf version of all 28 principles, email attraction04@touchpointcoaching.com .

I have created a page out on the website that takes all of the Principles, with the clarification and key points I have written for each of them. It will always be updated up til the last newsletter! That is, Principles 1-12 are there now, Principles 1-14 are there now. You can see it here: Atraction Plus!

Principle #15: TOLERATE NOTHING
When you put up with something, it costs you. Costs are expensive and thus unattractive.

CLARIFICATION

Tolerations are things that bug us, sap our energy. These are the things we 'put up with'. Do you have an endless list of things that roll around in your head? Things like "got to call the electrician", "clean my desk" "make that appointment". The bottom line is that tolerations are holes in your personal success cup; they drain away your contentment and good fortune. They drain YOU. They make you feel less attractive to yourself. They may even reflect deeper problems, involving self-esteem, which are serious but also fixable.

Instead of Key Points, I am including a brief exercise for eliminating tolerations (from July 31, 2000 Three-Minute Coach, Issue #1 !!!). You can check out this and other past issues by visiting the Archives Page.

Energize Your Life!

Did you know that it takes energy to NOT do something or to NOT deal with a situation? Every time we put off some task or chore, we start using energy to remember to do it. We also use energy to avoid doing it. Once you start thinking about how many things you are putting up with, it's easy to realize that there is an incredible amount of energy that could be available to you just by addressing these time-drainers. These items are often referred to as tolerations. Here is a simple strategy for zapping your tolerations and freeing up all that energy.

On a clean piece of paper, make a list of all things you are tolerating or 'putting up with'.

These can (and should) be from all areas of your life. They can be big or small. But all of them are probably things that keep running around in your head as "I really need to xxx, I can't stand xxx anymore, etc." Some examples: I really need to: call the electrician, fix the broken light switch, clean off my desk, take the car for a tune-up, finish a report or project, organize my office, unpack, buy shampoo, talk to my boss, I can't stand my son's messy bedroom, the way my neighbor lets stuff pile up in his front yard. You get the idea. Keep writing until you run out of things to write.
For each item, decide the following and take the appropriate action.
- It's totally in my control. Take Nike's advice: JUST DO IT.
- I have influence over this situation. USE YOUR INFLUENCE TO CHANGE IT.
- I have neither control nor influence. TAKE YOURSELF OUT OF THE SITUATION OR ACCEPT IT. Accepting it means there is no longer an emotional involvement. You truly accept it.
Keep plugging at your list until it's gone. Add items as they come to mind or situations arise. Pay attention to those items that are related. Would doing one big thing take care of them all? And it may be helpful to think about what the payoff is for you in not taking care of these items.
Start using this new-found energy to work on your goals and dreams, the things you really feel good about, and that will make you feel good about yourself.

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Here's what's available to you:

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100-POINT CLASS ACT ASSESSMENT
Track your progress towards becoming a Class Act.
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Identify areas where you already have reserves and find new ones.
EXERCISE: RELEASE THE PAST
PDF file with directions for letting go.
EXERCISE: WHEEL OF LIFE
PDF Exercise for gaining clarity on goals
EXERCISE: QUILTING BE
PDF Exercise to step outside the box and get a fresh perspective on a situation.

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All That BIZ

Louise Morganti Kaelin is a Life Success Coach who partners with others to help them turn their dreams into reality.
Phone: 1-617-984-2868 or 1-866-COACH-99 (toll-free inside USA)
Email: louise@touchpointcoaching.com
Web: http://touchpointcoaching.com

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