Good. Better. Best. Which self do you want to be?

The 3-Minute Coach

May 11, 2002, Issue #38
Allow!

Welcome to The 3-Minute Coach

There's plenty to think about with this issue of the 3-Minute Coach. I hope you enjoy it, and, as always, welcome your feedback: louise@touchpointcoaching.com

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In joy, peace and gratitude,

Louise

Food for Thought

"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler." --- Albert Einstein

Keep It Simple

Self-Confidence Formula

Napoleon Hill, author of "Think and Grow Rich", provides the following formula for self-confidence, which he suggests is one of the key elements in the successful achievement of your goals. Try saying it, out-loud, once a day and see what changes it produces for you.

FIRST: I know that I have the ability to achieve the object of my definite purpose in life; therefore, I DEMAND of myself persistent, continuous action toward its attainment, and I here and now promise to render such action.

SECOND: I realize the dominating thoughts of my mind will eventually reproduce themselves in outward, physical action, and gradually transform themselves into physical reality; therefore, I will concentrate my thoughts for thirty minutes daily, upon the task of thinking of the person I intend to become, thereby creating in my mind a clear mental picture.

THIRD: I know through the principle of autosuggestion, any desire that I persistently hold in my mind will eventually seek expression through some practical means of attaining the object back of it; therefore, I will devote ten minutes daily to demanding of myself the development of self-confidence.

FOURTH: I have clearly written down a description of my definite chief aim in life, and I will never stop trying, until I shall have developed sufficient self-confidence for its attainment.

FIFTH: I fully realize that no wealth or position can long endure, unless built upon truth and justice; therefore, I will engage in no transaction that does not benefit all whom it affects. I will succeed by attracting to myself the forces I wish to use, and the cooperation of other people. I will induce others to serve me, because of my willingness to serve others. I will eliminate hatred, envy, jealousy, selfishness, and cynicism, by developing love for all humanity, because I know that a negative attitude toward others can never bring me success. I will cause others to believe in me, because I will believe in them, and in myself.

FINALLY: I will sign my name to this formula, commit it to memory, and repeat it aloud once a day, with full faith that it will gradually influence my thoughts and actions so that I will become a self-reliant and successful person.

Feature Article

Allow!

Life reminds me a lot of high school, where we went to different rooms with different teachers to learn different subjects. And then there was homeroom, that place where we gathered every morning to "check in", get the miscellaneous non-"technical" information we needed to go through the day, greet our friends and, if we were lucky, get our homework done.

I think life is exactly like that. The classrooms don't have seats lined up in neat columns and rows, however. They're just wherever we happen to be. The teachers are whomever we happen to be with. And the subjects are as varied as we are. Luckily, we weren't given a "schedule" on that first day of life. Most of us would have opted for permanent truancy, finding an "alternative" school somewhere on some distant and simpler planet.

The homeroom of life? That inner space where we check in with ourselves, assimilating all the varied lessons, sifting through the monumental stack of incoming data, incorporating that which "feels right" into our daily lives, relegating that which doesn't to some archived file, hopefully never to be seen again. How do we get to our homeroom? By meditation, breathing, sitting with nature, running, dancing -- whatever it is that puts us in perfect peace and harmony with ourselves.

And in life, as in school, there are home- room teachers. Not really teachers, of course, but administrators and facilitators. In our calm and centered place, we find objects or individuals who represent our highest wisdom. They may be faceless and nameless or may have form, substance and history. They may be a synthesis of all wise people we have come across or they may be individuals who lived and breathed and represent the pinnacle of some quality we value.

These teachers may play different roles in our life. For example, there are four separate energies I connect to when I meditate. Although I often think of them collectively, they each represent one of the four major divisions of life: Mental, Emotional, Spiritual, and Physical. One, representing the Mental sphere, helped me open doors I didn't know where there, allowing me to learn that oneness with all creation is possible. Another, representing the Spiritual realm and through his teaching of unconditional love, has helped me experience that oneness. A third, representing the Emotional, well, he has given me practical advice for living that oneness.

And yet the main lessons I've learned from this third teacher are very simple, so simple that I almost missed them: the first is to allow and the second is to live in the moment. Sounds easy, doesn't it? That's what I thought, too.

After being exposed to the teachings of an Eastern philosopher, I found that I could remember only one phrase: "All we need do is allow". Allow what? He didn't say, so I concluded that I had to figure out that part by myself (we all know how contrary some teachers can be -- they want us to do all the work!).

I started by trying to finish the sentence. Allow others to be who they are? Of course, but that seemed limiting. Allow others to be? Better, but not quite right. Allow others. Allow them what? And that brought me back to allow, just allow. The same thing happened with "Allow me to be who I am". No matter how I tried to finish the sentence, I kept coming back to that simple word, all by itself, no qualifiers.

No qualifiers? Just allow everything and everyone? But some of those people and things are a little crazy. Do I allow them to be crazy? Well, why not? For some reason that I can't understand, they have chosen to be crazy. It needn't affect me, not if I can understand there is a lesson in craziness for them. I have my own lessons and I know I would like others to allow me to learn those lessons the way I need to learn them, the way that I will learn them.

Allowing includes allowing me to be me. And by allowing myself the full range of human emotions, by being a person who loves, gets angry, knows joy, feels resentment, cries, feels tired, experiences satisfaction, in fact by feeling every emotion and admitting (and therefore owning) that emotion, then I can be a "perfect" human being. For that whole range of emotions is part of the human experience, and keeping those "unacceptable" (by whom?) feelings bottled up, I'm only short-changing myself.

And I've noticed that people who never allow themselves to get angry are really always angry, the proverbial fire keg ready to explode. Yet how many times have I noticed that "getting it out of my system", through yelling or tears, does actually that, it gets that feeling out of my system! Experiencing the feeling isn't bad, it's living it, staying in that negative mood that's unhealthy.

And allowing ourselves to feel, really feel, the emotion we're experiencing is what living in the moment is all about. Yet there's a big difference between living in the moment and living for the moment. There's no sense of purpose in living for, while living in allows us to take all the information we need from this moment, whether it be joyful or sad, and bring it into our next moment.

I found myself worrying about staying in the moment, worrying that I wouldn't "move on" with my life. But the more experience I get at living in the moment, I find that I make better, more informed decisions about what the next moment will be. Better decisions than when I spend all of this moment worrying about what happened yesterday or what's going to happen in the future.

And moments are controllable! When I live in the moment, the decision to stay, or move on, is definitely something that is in my hands -- and moments I can handle. Yet each moment is a forever, when we are truly in it. Learning to allow and to live in the moment is, I'm finding, anything but simple. Or perhaps I should say it's incredibly simple, just not easy!

It's hard to break the old habits of fear and guilt, but the more I can do that, the more assured I am that that's the way I want to live. How do you start? By noticing where your attention is at any given moment. For example, this moment, right now, is about reading this article. If you can remember what I've written, the essence of it, then you're living in the moment. If you can't, then take a deep breath and read it again. Then check in. Do you remember the gist now? Congratulations! And welcome to the moment!

Related Quotes

"The finest inheritance you can give to a child is to allow it to make its own way, completely on its own feet." -- Isadora Duncan

"Of course there is no formula for success except perhaps an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings." -- Arthur Rubinstein

"Living apart and at peace with myself, I came to realize more vividly the meaning of the doctrine of acceptance. To refrain from giving advice, to refrain from meddling in the affairs of others, to refrain, even though the motives be the highest, from tampering with another's way of life - so simple, yet so difficult for an active spirit. Hands off!" - Henry Miller

"Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate, or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such." - Henry Miller

Principles of Attraction

Attraction is the ability to consistently draw the best things in life towards you: opportunities, strong finances, rewarding relationships, whatever you define as 'the best things'. Additionally, it means to draw them forth effortlessly, without striving, scuffling or struggling.

Thomas J. Leonard has developed 28 Principles of Attraction in his book "The Portable Coach". (Visit Amazon.Com) .

Each newsletter I will take one principle and highlight its key points. For a pdf version of all 28 principles, email attraction04@touchpointcoaching.com .

Principle #8: BECOME IRRESISTIBLY ATTRACTIVE TO YOURSELF
How can you attract others if you don't feel irresistibly attractive to yourself?

CLARIFICATION

Feeling attractive to yourself is healthy and self-affirming. Being enamored is a step toward being narcissistic, which is very unhealthy and self-defeating.

Another way to look at this is the difference between "proud" and "pride": Being proud of yourself (as a parent feels about a child) is empowering. Having pride means you're so convinced of being right that you can't learn from others, which depletes your power

KEY POINTS

It takes courage to look at the items that get in the way of being attractive to yourself. Remember, they are only items on a list! Start looking at them objectively and you'll be able to deal with them.
Stop doing what is bad for you and start doing what nourishes you. Acknowledge yourself as valuable and then give yourself the care that something valuable deserves. Do this in all four arenas of life: mental, emotional, spiritual and physical.
Stop trying to meet others' expectations of you and start meeting your own. Become aware of the "shoulds" in your life. 99% of the time, these are other people's expectations. Let these go as quickly as you can.
Stop comparing yourself to others and start identifying your own measures. Reference points are fine, but when you use these points to build up (or tear down) your self esteem you become dependent. And being dependent is definitely not attractive!
Stop trying to become "somebody" and just be yourself. This isn't about not developing yourself. It's about trying to be somebody else.

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All That BIZ

Louise Morganti Kaelin is a Life Success Coach who partners with others to help them turn their dreams into reality.
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