Good. Better. Best. Which self do you want to be?

The 3-Minute Coach

April 13, 2002, Issue #36
Listen While You Speak

Welcome to The 3-Minute Coach

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Louise

Food for Thought

"You can't depend on your judgment when your imagination is out of focus." --- Mark Twain

Keep It Simple

Your Nose Knows

There are some conversations in life that we find ourselves playing over and over in our minds. I was doing that recently with a conversation with an older woman, a conversation in which I was quite a bit frustrated. As I replayed it in my mind, I found myself holding myself the same way she held herself while we were having the conversation and I immediately discovered why the conversation went the way it did. It was because of where her nose was! Playing with this, I discovered the following about what's going on depending on which direction your nose is facing:

Up: It immediately blocks off all other thought coming at you. It 'protects' you from having to change an opinion or take in additional choices or possibilities. It's almost like a gate slams down the minute you tilt your head up.

Down: When your nose is facing the ground, it's like the sluice gates are wide open and all the thoughts you have are those that come from others. Yours just tumble down to the ground. It feels sad and lost and self-esteem just falls right out and gets lost in the debris around your feet.

Straight Ahead: Ah. here is where you want to be! Open dialogues with equals are possible here. There is a feeling of give and take, along with a sense of self worth that matches the other persons. A very healthy place.

My suggestion with this? Start paying attention to where your nose is most of the time around other people. And start experimenting with keeping it straight ahead. What kind of changes happen to your interactions and to you? I am suggesting that just keeping it straight ahead, even when you feel like directing it up or down, could go a long way to changing negative interactions and beliefs about yourself. Experiment with this one and let me know how it goes.

Feature Article

Listen While You Speak

Language provides the key for many of our current views and beliefs. Unfortunately, we rarely listen to ourselves with conscious attention and so we miss many clues that could help us understand our behavior. Here are three areas where it would benefit us to pay particular attention while we are speaking. Very often the blocks to our success are revealed this way.

1. Words that keep us where we are. (The I've Fallen and Can't Get Up syndrome).

Some words, like 'should', 'must' and 'try' keep us locked where we are. 'Shoulds' and 'musts' are typically other people's expectations and not our own desires. Because they're not ours, they never seem to get done, but we carry the guilt around all the time. 'Trying' is actually a pre-fabricated excuse for not succeeding. Think back over the times you've used the word try. How often have you not even made the attempt at something if you started by 'trying' to do it?

RECOMMENDATION: Program yourself to have an alarm go off every time you use the words 'should', 'must', 'try' and any others you would like to stop using. That gives you a chance, in the moment, to look at what you are saying and provides you the opportunity to rephrase it immediately. Doing it in the moment is immediately freeing. To program yourself, all you have to do is make a clear and definite intention to notice when you are using certain words.

2. Negating thoughts. (The Way We Were syndrome)

I was recently working with a client on a challenging situation. During the hour she had made some insightful discoveries and was able to see that the situation was actually an opportunity and the universe's way of reminding her it was time to move on. She became very calm and centered and we moved on to other topics. As we were winding down the call, she again brought up the situation and talked about how angry and hurt she was. I asked her to stop and get clear. Was she feeling angry and hurt in that moment? Her answer was no. Then why did she say it? Because she was so used to talking about anger and hurt when she talked about the situation that the old tape automatically started playing. Eventually, the old tape would kill off the new tape she was trying to create and keep her feeling angry and hurt.

RECOMMENDATION: If there is a situation or person that evokes highly charged energy for you, choose to pay attention to all conversations about it. You can definitely talk about what you 'did' feel (honoring those legitimate feelings), but also bring in your current feelings about it and any understandings gained. This keeps you in the present and complete with the past, allowing you to build the future you desire.

3. The 'other' half of our history. (The If I Don't Acknowledge It, It Never Happened syndrome).

When we believe something strongly, we usually accept without question anything that supports that belief. The opposite is also true. When we believe something strongly, we tend to ignore incidents that would break down that belief. This is true even when the belief is ultimately something that undermines our ability to achieve our goals.

As an example, a client of mine has run into blocks in achieving her goals because of a very critical inner voice, one that was reinforced by her father. Recently, in talking about her writing, a recognized strength, she said in passing: "My father always told me I was a good writer. He was the only one who believed in me". I asked her to stop and listen to those words. It took her a few minutes to accept this picture of nurturing and integrate it with the view of the stern and critical father she usually holds. It was a small step, but an essential one. By acknowledging "all" of our history, both positive and negative, we make the journey to wholeness.

RECOMMENDATION: Are there people or events from long ago that can trigger your buttons today? If so, program yourself to have an alarm go off EVERY time you bring up that person or event. Pay attention to what you say. Does it conform to your belief around this situation? Is it true? If it's true but doesn't support your belief, can you allow yourself to accept it as true? Can you begin to broaden your picture of the person or event? With this new idea, can you begin to see that the piece that still hurts you was probably about them and not about you? Open yourself up to the possibilities and remember this is to free you, not them. As we free ourselves from the past, we are able to make better choices in the present. And the choices we make here and now are the cornerstone for our future.

Related Quotes

"He listens well who takes notes." -- Dante Alighieri

"Language exerts hidden power, like a moon on the tides." - Rita Mae Brown

"High thoughts must have high language." - Aristophanes

"Elegance of language may not be in the power of all of us; but simplicity and straight forwardness are. Write much as you would speak; speak as you think. If with your inferior, speak no coarser than usual; if with your superiors, no finer. Be what you say; and, within the rules of prudence, say what you are." - Alford

"In the study of one's personal language and self talk it can be observed that what one thinks and talks about to himself tends to become the deciding influences n his life. For what the mind attends to, the mind considers." -- Sidney Madwed

"The individual's whole experience is built upon the plan of his language." -- Henri Delacroix

"What we say is important for in most cases the mouth speaks what the heart is full of." - Jim Beggs

"Speech is a mirror of the soul: as a man speaks, so is he." - Publilius Syrus

Principles of Attraction

Attraction is the ability to consistently draw the best things in life towards you: opportunities, strong finances, rewarding relationships, whatever you define as 'the best things'. Additionally, it means to draw them forth effortlessly, without striving, scuffling or struggling.

Thomas J. Leonard has developed 28 Principles of Attraction in his book "The Portable Coach". (Visit Amazon.Com) .

Each newsletter I will take one principle and highlight its key points. For a pdf version of all 28 principles, email attraction04@touchpointcoaching.com .

Principle #6: AFFECT OTHERS PROFOUNDLY
The more you touch others, the more attractive you'll become.

CLARIFICATION

People who are skillful and practiced at helping people feel alive and connected are more attractive, more sought after, better remembered. When something you say or do touches someone, they are certain to store that positive associate somewhere in their hearts and minds. Since we generally affect others anyway, more than we generally realize, why not aim to tap into your abilities in this arena and affect them profoundly?

As Dale Carnegie expresses it: "You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you."

KEY POINTS

Profound vs. Helpful. Helpful gives someone what they seek; profound gives them something bigger than they knew was possible.
Listen and point out the special gifts, traits or talents of the other person. And what if you did this during EVERY conversation you have? It would mean trusting that your needs will be met (which is how we usually listen to others, with our needs in mind), but opens up incredible possibilities.
Listen and respond in kind to the underlying emotion of the other person. Facts and information are valuable but are rarely profound. Pay attention to when you feel heard. Isn't it when the other person hears 'under' what you're saying to how you're saying it, what's going on for you underneath? Think about giving that gift to others, consistently!
Remind people who they are instead of just complimenting them on what they've done. We all have a need to be acknowledged and accepted for who we are. While it's nice to have someone tell us we've done a good job, it' s much more critical for personal evolution (ours and theirs) to focus on the 'who' instead of the 'what'.
Don't try to affect others profoundly. Key word here is 'try'. (Hmmm.. sound familiar?) When we try to affect others, we usually end up ticking them off. Just be yourself, allowing yourself to show freely how much you care for others and share your knowledge with those who want it.

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All That BIZ

Louise Morganti Kaelin is a Life Success Coach who partners with others to help them turn their dreams into reality.
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