Good. Better. Best. Which self do you want to be?

The 3-Minute Coach

March 5, 2001, Issue #16
Fear of Forever

Welcome to The 3-Minute Coach

Welcome friends, old and new.

It is almost impossible to believe that two weeks have flown by. Thanks to all who passed on the newsletter. 112 new subscribers since the last issue. And thanks to those who let me know their countries were missing: The country total is 38, with Romania, The Netherlands and Yemen being missed.

If you have an opportunity to stop by the website, I have added a new section under Resources called "Tips and Tools". The first piece I've added there is a section on Journal Writing, with articles, links and other resources for you. This is an area of the site that I hope to be building in the coming weeks and months. As always, would love your feedback. Check out the Resources available on my site.

Have a joy-full two weeks!

Louise

Food for Thought

"There are two types of people--those who come into a room and say, "Well, here I am!" and those who come in and say, "Ah, there you are." --- Frederick L Collins

Keep It Simple

Become an Expert Listener

Very often when we discuss the Art of Communication, the focus is on our ability to effectively convey the message we intend to convey. However, a huge piece of effective communication is the Art of Listening. Unless we are in a situation that calls for a monologue (which I'm hard pressed to come up with a good example for, since the best presentations allow for question and answer periods), then it is critical to effectively listen to the other person to truly hear what it is they are trying to say.

Here are 7 Steps to Become an Expert Listener:

Be Silent.
Say nothing! Don't interrupt or intrude. And take a moment of silence before responding so the other person knows they have been heard.
Hear!.
Hear the exact words used. That is, don't paraphrase it while the other person is speaking. Also, hear what is really being said instead of what appears to be being said.
Reflect Back.
"So, what I hear you saying is ...". This allows for clarification and also allows the other person to "feel" heard. It's ok to paraphrase here as that will help test for understanding.
Listen to Non-verbal Messages.
What is the person doing as they are speaking? Clenched fists (maybe angry)? Crossed arms (distance, resistance)? Facial expressions (variety of emotions)? Drumming fingers (impatience, boredom)?
Pay Complete Attention.
The most disrespectful thing you can do (in my opinion) to another person is to not give them 100% of your attention. Either listen 100% or reschedule the time of the conversation so that you can give 100%. This is even more of a temptation if you're on the phone and the person can't see you.
Listening Isn't Passive.
Even if you're silent, let the other person know they're being heard. Most people need some indication that you're with them. A nod, leaning forward, a smile, or some verbal acknowledgement (especially if you're on the phone) is important.
Ask Open-Ended Probing Questions.
"Tell me about", "How". questions that can not be answered with a yes or no. They help encourage the other person to open up and expand on a topic. Additionally, they indicate that you were listening and care about what the person has to say.

Feature Article

Fear of Forever

Have you ever found yourself with a goal in your line of vision yet unable to cross the last ten yards to the finish line? There doesn't appear to be anybody or anything in the way to stop you, and yet you just can't seem to take the final leap and get where you want to be.

I've often wondered about this phenomenon and there are probably as many reasons for this as there are people. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of disappointment, actually, a whole bunch of fears. And when the goal is in sight, you can be pretty sure it's a fear of SOMETHING that stops you from taking those last few steps.

A fear that has come into play several times in my life, surprisingly enough, is the fear of Forever! That is a word that has frightened me more often than I care to admit. There is something so final about forever that it scares the living daylights out of me.

What if I make a wrong choice? What if I continue to grow and change, and I don't like what I've chosen today? What if I go this way and miss something incredibly wonderful over that way? This seems such a silly thing to be afraid of, and yet it can paralyze one for a very long time.

I remember a time when it hit me (the proverbial lightning bolt of understanding) that something that was holding me up from allowing a relationship in my life was the fact that I was committed to self-exploration, growth and development. I felt that I was constantly changing and was afraid that a relationship that I committed to today wouldn't be the right one in one year, five years, ten years.

One day I was thinking of this and came at it from the other direction. How much was I going to have to change to start wanting a jerk in my life? Because the qualities I was looking for in a relationship all pointed towards allowing someone in who was basically "nice": loving, supportive, growing, spiritual, etc. And I - finally!-couldn't imagine evolving so much that I was going to stop wanting these particular qualities. In fact, that wouldn't take evolving, but just the opposite!

Recently, I was involved in a workshop on Life Planning. When the leader asked the question "What is stopping you from having the life you want", I was shocked when I realized my uncensored answer was "what if it's the wrong path?". This is more of that 'forever' thinking. There truly is no such thing as the 'wrong' path. My logical mind knows this: there are no mistakes, there is only experience.

And yet, I was surprised that this fear had resurfaced. Once we have a major realization, we often think that it's behind us, that it won't come up again. Life lessons, however, tend to come at us "onion-fashion". We peel off one layer, work with that a bit, and then one day (sometimes years later) we find the next layer.

So how am I dealing with this Fear of Forever? I've come up with a phrase that I find helpful, and I have a huge sign on my desktop: "Forever is for as long as it feels right". It may seem silly, but it lets me take a deep breath and put the whole 'forever' thing in perspective. And without doing that, there are some wonderful big steps (like getting married) that I might never have taken.

It is not less of a commitment to the thing that I am choosing. In fact, I think it helps me stay focused in the moment and living in the "now" rather than in the past or future. In reality, all we have is now. No one can know what the future can bring. That's part of the adventure of life. All I know for sure is that I'm not going to let the fear of forever stop me from delighting in the joy of the present!

Related Quotes

"Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism. Confronting your fears and allowing yourself the right to be human can, paradoxically, make you a far happier and more productive person." -- Dr. David M. Burns

"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing." -- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)

"I daresay one profits more by the mistakes one makes off one's own bat than by doing the right thing on somebody's else advice." -- W. Somerset Maugham

"When you make a mistake, don't look back at it long. Take the reason of the thing into your mind and then look forward. Mistakes are lessons of wisdom. The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power." - Hugh White

"Mistakes are the portals of discovery." -- James Joyce

"While one person hesitates because he feels inferior, the other is busy making mistakes and becoming superior." -- Henry C. Link

"The only man who never makes a mistake is the man who never does anything." -- Theodore Roosevelt (1858 - 1919)

"You've decided to love me for eternity and I'm still deciding who I want to be today." --Ani Defranco

The Welcome Mat Guest Column:

Balancing Polarities
By Richard Ross

In past articles I have often spoken about the ideas of "energy polarities" as a way that we tend to stay stuck in seeming problems and issues. Today I'll focus on this issue again and offer another perspective, and another method of releasing these self-limiting patterns.

Just to recap, it is my belief that every experience, every situation, has an element of polarity to it. There is usually a side of the situation that we believe is good and a side of the situation that we believe is bad. This is absolutely normal.

What often happens, and here is where we get into trouble, is when we develop strong feelings of attachment or resistance to one side of the polarity. We either try to "hold on to" what we feel is the good part of the situation, or we try to "resist, or push away" what we feel is the bad part of the situation. In either case, we are locking up the energy. I'm sure you have heard the phrase "whatever we resist, persists". My belief is that not only does it persist, it actually grows bigger. (Refer to: The Abraham Materials and The Law Of Attraction).

"Problems" are always formed when we create these artificial polarities. The good news is that these same seeming problems can be resolved when we bring these polarities closer together. Another way of saying that, is that the healing can occur when we create balance.

The following is an energy exercise you can use to begin to heal any negative situation in your life. Before beginning, choose a problem situation or fear that has been occupying your thoughts:

Get relaxed in a comfortable place and take several deep breaths.
Ask yourself "Could I allow myself to feel the absolute WORST possibility in this situation?" Feel that for a few seconds. Note: Do this ONLY for a few seconds!
Then ask yourself "Could I allow myself to feel the absolute BEST possibility in this situation?" Now feel that for a few seconds. Again: Do this ONLY for a few seconds!
Continue to alternate for at least several minutes (or as long as you wish), back and forth between feeling the worst possibility for a few seconds, then feeling the best possibility for a few seconds.

After a few minutes of this exercise you may begin to notice shifts in the energy around this seeming problem, fear, or stuck situation. The effects may be very subtle at first. As you continue to apply this process, and become more used to it, the effects will become more and more profound.

You may want to journal about your experience. Please do let me know how this process works for you. I'd love to hear from you.
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© 2001 By Richard Ross, Transformational Coach, Energy Worker, and Spiritual Counselor.

A note from Richard: Many of the new clients who contact me have been through traditional therapies and still have some part of their issue that seems to refuse to resolve. I created the "Emotional Healing and Freedom" work, and support my clients by telephone, to quickly move through longstanding issues in a gentle way. If you are ready to explore alternative healing modalities, call me at 1-800-653-4465 or 541-535-3450 for a free consultation. Write me at emotionalfreedom@richardross.com , or visit www.emotionalfreedom.com

Theme Watch 2001

LMK: Theme 2001: Extreme Self Care

Quit Smoking Meter: 576 hours (24 days) !!!!!! (I actually waited to mail this so I could say 24 days even.) It hasn't been easy, and if I'm honest, I could light up right now. But I am feeling good about being 'smoke-free' after so many years. Plus, it's really hard to tell over 1000 people that you gave in. The physical addiction is mostly gone, but the emotional and psychological addiction keeps going. I'm very grateful to a friend who suggested I take a white Bic pen apart. It does look and 'feel' like a cigarette and helps me through the toughest times. The really good news is that I am forgetting to check how long it's been, which for a while there I seemed to be doing every twenty minutes or so. New a couple of days go by.. and that really makes me feel like a non-smoker, instead of as a smoker who's trying to quit!

Good news with the blood sugar levels as well. This was my real focus for selecting Extreme Self Care as a theme. Actually had numbers under 140 all day, 110 before dinner. Am doing a lot of work trying to control these numbers and it may be starting to work.

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I'd love to include your progress in this section. Please send me a line, letting me know what theme you picked for the year and how you're doing.

If you're a new reader and are wondering about themes, see Issue 12, available here

Louise Hay Power Card of the Week

Louise L. Hay is a metaphysical teacher and the best-selling author of 27 books, including "You Can Heal Your Life" and "Empowering Women". She has recently created a set of 64 Power Thought Cards, with beautifully illustrated affirmations. Each newsletter, I will share one of these wonderful thoughts.

Power Card:	I am in the process of positive change.
Affirmation:	I am unfolding in fulfilling ways. Only good can come to me. I now express health, happiness, prosperity and peace of mind.

All That BIZ

Louise Morganti Kaelin is a Life Success Coach who partners with others to help them turn their dreams into reality.
Phone: 1-617-984-2868
Email: louise@touchpointcoaching.com
Web: http://touchpointcoaching.com
While you're there, register to win a free month of coaching.

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Copyright (c) 2001, all rights reserved. The 3-Minute Coach is a publication of TouchPoint Coaching. Permission is granted to reproduce, copy or distribute this newsletter provided that The 3-Minute Coach is kept intact, and this copyright notice and full information about contacting the author are attached.