Good. Better. Best. Which self do you want to be?

The 3-Minute Coach

February 6, 2001, Issue #14
Life Lessons, Volume 1

Welcome to The 3-Minute Coach

Welcome friends, old and new.

Sorry for the delay in getting The 3-Minute Coach out. I've been battling (and most days losing) that nasty flu that's going around. Hope you're all enjoying better health than I am right now!

Have a joy-full two weeks!

Louise

Food for Thought

"Lack of money is no obstacle. Lack of an idea is an obstacle." --- Ken Hakuta

Keep It Simple

Can We Talk?

One of the easiest ways to complicate our lives is in the area of interpersonal relationships, and the closer the people are to us, the more complicated it can get! Misunderstandings arise in the blink of an eye: a poor choice of words, an unconscious gesture, an incorrect interpretation, sometimes a deliberate attack. All of these cause strain on our relationships and stress on all the parties involved.

Open, clear - and immediate - communication is the key to maintaining the joy in relationships. Some people enjoy the challenge and adrenaline rush of a good verbal fight. But even those can turn on a dime. Here are some tips for keeping your relationships smooth and stress-free.

Don't Assume. You know what that makes of U and ME!
When you're not sure, ask what the person meant. And even more importantly, when you ARE sure, ask what the person meant. How many times have you been angry with someone, talked about it, and found yourself saying "I thought you meant."?
Don't Interpret Initial Responses or Unconscious Gestures.
This has been a hard one for me to learn. If I suggest something and my husband makes a (usually unconscious) face, I take it as a no. I get hurt or angry and then I tend to withdraw (if he's lucky!). After 9 years, I am just beginning to get the point that he needs time to mull over the suggestion and rearrange his planned day. In the past, by the time he got around to "Are you ready to (whatever I had suggested)?", I'd say no. I'd figure that he didn't really want to do it and it wasn't going to be fun if he was there under duress. What he's finally helped me see is that I was putting him in a box, not allowing him time to evaluate the suggestion, which I'd usually had hours to do before suggesting it to him! He also pointed out that if he didn't really want to do something, he never asked me if I was "ready" to do it or he'd say so right away.
Don't Wait to Talk About It.
The longer you put off talking about stress in a relationship, the more stressful the relationship becomes. The more you think about the small slight or hurt, you more you remember - or invent - big ones. And then, when that molehill becomes an erupting mountain, the other person has no idea where it's coming from! As soon as you realize something is "off", talk about it.
Put Yourself in Their Shoes.
Imagine how you would feel and react to the situation. This isn't always easy to do, but it puts you in a place where conversation becomes possible.
Start Conversations with "I".
Tell the other person "When you do x, I feel.." Let them know why something affects you. Also, starting with a "You" statement generally feels like (and often is) an attack. Those conversations usually escalate before they an get better.
When someone asks what's wrong, don't say "Nothing".
This is something a lot of us women do. I don't know why we do, but we do. If you are lucky enough to have someone who asks what's wrong, then tell them! They obviously care enough to want to remove the stress, so work with them on this one!

Feature Article

Life Lessons, Volume 1

Some lessons life has taught me:

I CREATE MY OWN REALITY.

I firmly believe that I have created every item, person and situation in my life. Even the ones that seem way outside of my ability to create. Even the ones I don't like. I believe that we make a choice before we enter this life to experience particular emotions and we, unconsciously for the most part, find the things, people and situations that will allow us to feel those emotions. This is a very powerful concept. For one thing, it immediately makes us stop being victims. By accepting the responsibility for everything present in my life today, I claim the power to create everything in my life tomorrow.

Every experience in life is an opportunity to learn. The trick is to ask, as quickly as possible, "what have I learned from this? Who am I today that I wouldn't be if this didn't happen?". Sometimes it's about learning how to take care of ourselves. Sometimes it's just about experiencing a feeling or emotion that we hadn't felt before. The important thing is to learn the lesson, so that negative experience doesn't need to be repeated.

IT ONLY HAS TO BE HARD IF I WANT IT BE HARD.

I don't believe the expression "No pain, no gain". I do believe that when there is pain, there is always gain. But it only has to be hard if I want or need it to be hard. And why would I want or need it to be hard? Because even though my logical mind understands and buys into the concept that it can be easy and effortless (whatever it is), since birth I have been barraged with messages that say you have to work hard to get what you want, life isn't about being easy, et cetera. These are deep in my subconscious and that's where the process always starts. Even the word "process", which I used for many years to mean facing life's lessons head on, took on the meaning of "painful work". Today, when I catch myself struggling, I create affirmations that include the words "easily" and "effortlessly". This is a choice that I am consciously making in my life and the language I use can either support or contradict it.

IT'S 11:30. IF I COULD BE ASLEEP, I WOULD BE ASLEEP.

Many years ago, when my niece was about 6, I was trying to get her to go to sleep. She sat up, put one hand on her hip and pointed to the clock with the other. In a voice full of disgust and exasperation, she said, "Aunt Louise, it's 11.30. If I COULD be asleep, I WOULD be asleep. " It was hard to argue with that, because it was true. And it made me realize how often I do a number on myself because I'm not where I think I should be, or haven't reached a goal I've set for myself. The reality is that there are many forces at work --true desire, limiting beliefs, time constraints, to name just a few. If I could be there, I would be there. In the 12 years or so since my niece said that to me, I've said it to myself a thousand times. It helps me to let go of feeling like I've failed, and helps me ask the questions that need to answered in the moment. These questions are usually things like "what do I need to do/learn before I can go on to this?", "is this something I truly desire, or just think I should desire?", etc.

IF I SAY I WANT SOMETHING, AND I DON'T HAVE IT,
THEN WHAT DO I WANT MORE?

This may be the most valuable thing I've ever learned. Because I believe I create my own reality, then the reality I have is what I've created. And, although I may not like what I've created, I need to take full responsibility for it. So, if I don't like it and I say I want something else, and I continue working towards that goal and it still doesn't materialize, then it's time to stop and ask this question: "What do I want more?" Our unconscious goals, desires and beliefs are much more powerful than our conscious ones. And because they're 'unconscious', we are not even aware they are there. They just control what we manifest, leaving us feeling unsatisfied, frustrated and disappointed.

The most striking example of this I can give is the fact that for much of my adult life, I was not in a serious relationship, although I said I wanted one. When I stopped and asked the "What do I want more" question, I got a very surprising answer: Space! I had a 'thing' about my own space. I'd always had a lot of space, all filled with my stuff. For some reason, I had equated being in a live-in relationship as meaning I would lose my space. It's been almost ten years since I asked this particular question and I am now married to a wonderful, sensitive person. It was scary in the beginning, but once I was able to put the two choices side by side (something you can't do when one is unconscious!), I was able to make a true choice. Sometimes, when we gravitate to the same room as we often do, I have to smile as I recall my fears when he first moved in. Today, I can not relate to the space issue at all and have difficulty understanding why it was more important to me than being in a loving, committed relationship. I am SO glad I asked that question!

Related Quotes

"When the student is ready. . . the lesson appears." -- Gene Oliver

"One thing about the school of experience is that it will repeat the lesson if you flunk the first time." -- Author Unknown

"Personally I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught. -- Sir Winston Churchill

"Life is like playing a violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on." -- Samuel Butler

"Learning is not compulsory... neither is survival." -- W. Edwards Deming

"It is better to learn late than never." -- Publilius Syrus

"The only real failure in life is one not learned from." -- Anthony J. D'Angelo

"There are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn; whatever steps we take, they're necessary to reach the places we've chosen to go." -- Richard Bach

Books That Changed My Life

by 3MC Readers

Thanks to all of you who submitted books. It's quite a list!

"The Bible"
"Clutter's Last Stand", by Don Aslett
"Tightwad Gazette". By Amy Dacyczyn
"Conversations with God" by..Neale Donald Walsch
"Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand
"Gifts from the Sea" by Anne Morrow Lindbergh
"The Fifth Discipline" by Peter Senge
"Simple Abundance" by Sarah Ban Breathnach
Her gratitudes and discovery journals and her encouragement to create a sacred place in our homes and value our homes as our sanctuary away from the world. I love her essays!
"Nuts - the story of Southwest Airlines" by Kevin and Jackie Freiberg
"The E-Myth Revisited" by Michael Gerber
"The Portable Coach" by Thomas Leonard
"Blur: The Speed of Change in the Connected Economy" by Stan Davis & Christopher Meyer
"Three Magic Words" by U.S. Anderson
"Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" by Robert M. Pirsig
For it's discussion of the meaning and pursuit of "Quality." it lead me to study philosophy and helped me to develop decision making criteria for business development partnerships
"See You At The Top" by Zig Ziglar
"Disappointment With God" by Philip Yancey
"Where Is God When It Hurts?" By Philip Yancey
"Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" by Steven Covey
From Bob H: Thanks for sharing so much, Bob. I didn't want to leave any of it out!

I'll start with Dan Millman and his book "Way of the Peaceful Warrior" and his next one which also had Peaceful Warrior in the title but the rest eludes me. It helped me to awaken to a new perspective on life and how clinging to my set ideas and patterns were harmful. The books were entertaining but had "pearls of wisdom" strewn throughout. Though I must admit that I was influenced by the way I bought the first book. As I was in the early stages of my spiritual quest--I was browsing through a bookstore and finding difficulty in selecting a book that would "speak to me". So I remember asking God (Spirit, Universe, whatever term is acceptable) to help me find a book that would be good for me. I thought it to myself somewhat in jest and somewhat in truth--based on a visit to a nearby Christian book store warehouse and meeting someone who was filling a box with Christian books who told me that God was telling him what books to buy. I'm thinking yeah-right (I can be cynical). So in the store I remembered that and said okay God, just one book will do for me. About a minute later as I stood looking dumbfounded at the shelves, a book fell off the shelf to my right. I didn't see anyone else around so I went to pick it up and looked at the sleeve and said okay--looks good--I'll take it and by the way thanks! I remember a couple passages from both books frequently. One about a spoiled picnic and one about hitting a tree.

Another book I recently read was Conversations with God (I don't remember the author). The premise is a guy who asks God questions, as we all do, but received answers and was inspired to write them down. Again, I have had the many of the same questions that I wanted to ask and the "answers" made much sense to me. In particular I remember one point that was made--that every choice in life comes down to basically a decision between fear and love. When "God" went into an explanation, it seemed so real to me--and shows how fear does affect us to our detriment.

But the book that has changed my view of the world and what we do was the answer to a constant question I have had---how in the hell did the world get like this. I cannot imagine this was the "plan" and I couldn't figure out how did we ever get in this mess. I used to point out other aspects of life in nature and the universe and the order of things and tried to figure out how "it is meant to be". How can we all live a life of caring, not fearing, sharing, not hoarding, trust, not suspicion--essentially love and not fear! And I found it all in Ishmael by Daniel Quinn.

Louise Hay Power Card of the Week

Louise L. Hay is a metaphysical teacher and the best-selling author of 27 books, including "You Can Heal Your Life" and "Empowering Women". She has recently created a set of 64 Power Thought Cards, with beautifully illustrated affirmations. Each newsletter, I will share one of these wonderful thoughts.

Power Card:	I am willing to forgive.
Affirmation:	Forgiveness of myself and others releases me from the past. Forgiveness is the answer to almost every problem. Forgiveness is a gift to myself. I forgive and I set myself free.

All That BIZ

Louise Morganti Kaelin is a Life Success Coach who partners with others to help them turn their dreams into reality.
Phone: 1-617-984-2868
Email: louise@touchpointcoaching.com
Web: http://touchpointcoaching.com
While you're there, register to win a free month of coaching.

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Copyright (c) 2001, all rights reserved. The 3-Minute Coach is a publication of TouchPoint Coaching. Permission is granted to reproduce, copy or distribute this newsletter provided that The 3-Minute Coach is kept intact, and this copyright notice and full information about contacting the author are attached.