Good. Better. Best. Which self do you want to be?

The 3-Minute Coach

January 22, 2001, Issue #13
What do you REALLY need?

Welcome to The 3-Minute Coach

Welcome friends, old and new.

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If you haven't stopped by the website for a while, please check it out. It has a whole new look and feel, one that I really like and hope you will too. Please take a few moments and let me know how you like it. louise@touchpointcoaching.com?subject=Site_Feedback

I'll be working on the content in the coming weeks. I have a lot of ideas I'd like to incorporate, so stop by often.

Thanks to those of you who sent me the names of books that changed your life. I will be including them in the next issue, so there's still time to send me an email with the name, title and anything you want us to know of books that changed YOUR life! :
louise@touchpointcoaching.com?subject=Powerful_Books

Have a joy-full two weeks!

Louise

Food for Thought

"The service you do for others is the rent you pay for the time you spend on earth." --- Mohammed Ali

Keep It Simple

Key to Simplicity: The Word "No"

Once our lives start feeling overwhelmed, we put a lot of time and energy into the process of simplifying. Wouldn't it be easier to not fill it up in the first place? Learn the value of the word "No"!. Some things to say "No Thanks" to include (but are definitely not limited to!):

APPOINTMENTS
One of my clients recently told me he wrote the word NO in large letters and then highlighted it on every page of his planner. It served as a constant reminder to question why he was scheduling something and made sure only the appointments that made sense for him made it in the book.

NON-ESSENTIAL PURCHASES
At least twice. If you are in the store and say no twice (two separate visits), but find you still want it, go ahead and buy it with a free conscience. It's probably not something you're going to want to get rid of in 3 months.

GET-TOGETHERS WITH FRIENDS IF THE TIME OR ENERGY DOESN'T WORK FOR YOU
Their time is precious, but so is yours. Giving in when someone "insists" normally puts a strain on the relationship. And the more often you do it, the bigger the strain. Say yes when it feels right, and respect their right to say No to you.

ANYTHING THAT YES WASN'T YOUR "FIRST" ANSWER TO
This may be the most important one of all. Sometimes we say no, but others are very persuasive or very persistent and we find ourselves saying "Yes" for a whole bunch of reasons that have nothing to do with the topic at hand. Sometimes it's because a "no" feels like a rejection of the person asking, instead of the thing they're asking. The possessions or responsibilities we come into this way are guaranteed to oppress us because the guilt that made us accept in the first place makes it almost impossible to unload these things later. This takes practice, but may be one of the best skills you ever develop.

THE WORDS "FOR NOW"
Any time you're tempted to put something down just "for now", STOP! Don't Do It! Take a look around at all the items you'd like to get rid of and ask yourself how much of it did you place it where it was thinking "I'll just put this here FOR NOW". It's a short-term way of tricking ourselves into thinking we've taken care of something. All we're really doing is saving the problem for another day. So, figure out what the item should really go and take that action right away.

THE WORDS "JUST IN CASE"
A lot of what we keep around us, we keep "just in case" it might come in handy one day. If you're completely honest with yourself, what percentage of that stuff ever has its day in the sun? Very, very little. So do yourself a favor and get rid of everything that fits in this category. You won't believe how much freer you feel!

Feature Article

What do you REALLY Need?

There is a difference between Needs and Wants. A need is something you truly need in order for your life to feel complete. A want is something that would sure be nice to have. The best way to tell the difference is the impact of "not" having the item or feeling. If you just want it, there is absolutely no impact on your life because you don't have it. For example, I want a Jaguar, but I don't have one and it doesn't change my life one bit.

Not having a need met, however, has definite consequences on our life. It throws us off balance and we find ourselves doing and saying things to get that need met. Often the need is unconscious and very often the behavior is actually harmful to us. This unconsciously-motivated behavior usually moves us further away from our goal, creating the direct opposite of our intention.

We all know people who "need" to be loved, but aren't (or can't feel it if they are). They go through a series of "wrong" relationships, not bothering about compatibility or shared values, but just focused on not being alone. Often, their compulsive behavior and clingy-ness is the reason these relationships break up. This is good example of how needs work against us.

Sometimes we fill up our lives with wants because we don't know how to get our needs met. We usually know when this is true as whatever we wanted doesn't bring us the happiness we thought it would. Unmet needs tend to keep us at the same point in life. However, it IS possible to get your needs met so that you can grow and move forward towards the important goals in your life.

Remember that needs are like small children. If you ignore them, they'll keep yelling at you until you give them your attention. Once they have your attention, however, they become quiet and happy. Here is a simple strategy for taking care of those needs once and for all.

Look at the following list of Needs and identify the need that, when not met, throws your life the most off-balance [Remember, needs aren't bad. They just are.]

Be Accepted	To Accomplish	Be Acknowledged
Be Loved	Be Right	Be Comfortable
Recognition	Be Cared For	To Communicate
Be Needed	To Control	Certainty
Duty	Be Free	Honesty
Order	Peace	Power
Safety	Work

Think about this need for a bit. Why is it a need? What are you like when it's not met? What are you like when it is met? When did it start? What is your first memory of this need not being met? What kind of actions do you take to try to get this need met? [One client, who had a need for recognition, always showed up late for meetings. It may not have been in a positive way, but it WAS recognition!] It may help you to write your answers to all of these questions out.
What would having this need met FEEL like? And LOOK like?
List as many ways as you can think of to get this need met. Make sure you include little ways as well as big. Make sure you include things you can do as well as others.
Start acting on the items you came up with in #4. Start by doing the items you can do. If others are necessary to meet this need, ASK THEM for help. ("Joe, I realized that I have a need to be acknowledged. It would really help me if, whenever I enter the room, you could take a second to say hello.] You'll be surprised how willing your friends will be to respond to this. I recommend that you put a time frame around the request. Two weeks is usually good. And the more people you can involve, the better. Ask them to have fun with the request, to play with it and be creative. It can be a very enriching experience for them as well.
If you have trouble identifying someone you can ask, I find it can be just as rewarding to reverse roles. If you have a need to "be nice", for example, find someone you think may have the same need (because their behavior seems to parallel yours in this area). And call or email them once a day for two weeks, telling them how nice you think they are and why. While you're telling them, you're also giving the message to yourself. It works!
Once this need no longer feels like it's standing in your way of accomplishing your dreams, review the list and identify the next most pressing need. Follow steps 2-7 until you are completely without needs!

If you would like a more extensive list of potential needs and guided directions for clarifying what those needs are, I'll be happy to send you a PDF version (readable by Adobe Acrobat Reader) of an "Identify Your Needs" inventory. Just email the autoresponder: needs04@touchpointcoaching.com

Additionally, I'd like to offer you, under "Sample Request", a copy of an email that a client of mine sent out to friends asking them to help fill her need to "be worthy". This is a wonderful example of how to make the request. I know it can seem overwhelming at first

Sample Request

I'm writing to ask you a favor. I'm working with a life coach to deal with the issues of why I act the way I do, and how to overcome and change the habits that keep me from really improving. Stuff that I've been dealing with for literally years now. I get homework assignments each week, and this week my only assignment is to immediately call or email my close friends to ask them a favor.

The favor is for you, for the next two weeks, to email (or call, but email works, too) me with a phrase to make me feel worthy, like "you're special because" or "you made a difference in my life by..." - you see?

Today, we identified this as a big need in my life. My logical mind says, "of course, I'm worthy!" but my actions show that I don't really believe it. Actions like hanging onto useless information or material things, and cluttering every space I can claim as mine. This also translates into relationships, and is one of the reasons I tend to fall out of touch with the people I most care about. It works like: BELIEF: I'm not worthy of...such good people to be my friends, so I'll punish myself by not calling or writing them, and this will prove to them I'm an unworthy friend, and by extension, an unworthy person." I know you see how it works! I was surprised at first that I'd be so dumb to think that, but I really do see how my actions support that belief. And, whew, it could be worse!

So here I am, on your (virtual) doorstep, hat in hand, asking for your help. For the next two weeks, to email me daily with a short message (just a sentence!) with how I am worthy to you.

Louise gave me her example - that one of her needs was to be nice, even to her detriment. Her coach assigned that her husband was to say, for every thing (even so much as moving out of the way in the kitchen during dinner prep) "You're so nice!" "Honey, that was nice!" Then she was able to work on changing her belief, and still is nice, but now in a balanced way.

Thanks, friend!

Note from Louise: I just wanted to say that this was one of the most powerful exercises I've ever done. For the first two days, I cried every time my husband told me I was nice. I didn't realize how much I needed to hear it. But, slowly, I started to notice a change. that a hole I didn't even know I had was being filled up. My energy became more balanced, more on track. And I still get to be nice, which is important to me, but now I will question my actions first. Am I doing this "just" to be nice? Or because it's the right thing to do? In the past, I always did the "nice" thing, even when there was a heavy cost to me.

Related Quotes

"Leadership should be born out of the understanding of the needs of those who would be affected by it. " - Marian Anderson

"A person travels the world over in search of what he needs and returns home to find it. " - George Moore

"Understanding human needs is half the job of meeting them." - Adlai E Stevenson, Jr.

"Habits - the only reason they persist is that they are offering some satisfaction. You allow them to persist by not seeking any other, better form of satisfying the same needs. Every habit, good or bad, is acquired and learned in the same way - by finding that it is a means of satisfaction." - Juliene Berk

"She had learned the self-deprecating ways of the woman who does not want to be thought hard and grasping, but her artifices could not always cover the nakedness of her need to excel." - Faith Sullivan, The Cape Ann

"You'll NEED someone to love while you're looking for someone TO love." - Selagh Delaney

"In the observation of human behavior, one will notice every human act is a response to a personal need. This is true whether one signs a million dollar contract, scratches one's nose, rolls over in bed, or just day dreams his life away. People will do things which seem contrary to this concept, but the bottom line is they perceive some kind of payoff which will make them feel good. And the payoff is almost always emotional." - Sidney Madwed

Louise Hay Power Card of the Week

Louise L. Hay is a metaphysical teacher and the best-selling author of 27 books, including "You Can Heal Your Life" and "Empowering Women". She has recently created a set of 64 Power Thought Cards, with beautifully illustrated affirmations. Each newsletter, I will share one of these wonderful thoughts.

Power Card:	Life supports me.
Affirmation:	Life created me to be fulfilled. I trust Life, and Life is always there at every turn. I am safe.

All That BIZ

Louise Morganti Kaelin is a Life Success Coach who partners with others to help them turn their dreams into reality.
Phone: 1-617-984-2868
Email: louise@touchpointcoaching.com
Web: http://touchpointcoaching.com
While you're there, register to win a free month of coaching.

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Copyright (c) 2001, all rights reserved. The 3-Minute Coach is a publication of TouchPoint Coaching. Permission is granted to reproduce, copy or distribute this newsletter provided that The 3-Minute Coach is kept intact, and this copyright notice and full information about contacting the author are attached.