Good. Better. Best. Which self do you want to be?

The 3-Minute Coach

November 20, 2000, Issue #9
Bolstering Beliefs

Welcome to The 3-Minute Coach

Welcome friends, old and new.

First, I wanted to thank all of you who took the time to let me know what country you're in. The 3-Minute Coach is now being read in 29 countries, including Australia, Canada, Chile, Costa Rica, England, France, Germany, Hong Kong, India, Indonesia, Ireland, Israel, Istanbul/Turkey, Italy, Malta, Malaysia, Negara Brunei Darussalam, New Zealand, Saudi Arabia, Scotland, Singapore, South Africa, Spain, Sri Lanka, Sultanate of Oman, Sweden, Tunisia, United States, and Wales.

Second, I wanted to apologize if you've tried to get into the website over the past week. It was necessary to move the website to a new UNIX server (long story, I won't go there!) which also involved doing a bit of re-coding. By the time you read this, you should be able to access it and everything should be working again.

For those of you in the States, have a great Turkey day. What a wonderful time to have a 'living' Gratitude Journal. Have everyone at the table tell 3 things they're grateful for. And, you don't need to be eating a giant turkey and watching a lot of football to try that exercise.

Have a joyous two weeks!

Louise

Food for Thought

"I don't believe that life is supposed to make you feel good, or make you feel miserable either. Life is just supposed to make you feel." --- Gloria Naylor

Keep It Simple

About Promises

NEVER MAKE PROMISES YOU DON'T PLAN --OR WANT -- TO KEEP.
Nothing complicates your life faster than making promises you don't plan or want to keep. This includes "I'll try to make it". To you, it's a way of getting out of something you don't want to do without hurting the other person. To the other person, it's a commitment that you'll be there.

KEEP ALL THE PROMISES YOU DO MAKE, EVEN TO YOURSELF
Everytime we fail to keep a promise that we made, we lose a little bit of ourselves. This eats away at our sense of integrity and also at our relationships. The minute you know you won't be able to keep a commitment you've made (including deadlines) let the other person know immediately. Deadlines and other commitments can be rescheduled easily. It's a lot harder to repair trust.

Feature Article

Bolstering Beliefs

At some time in your life you have probably used affirmations or other positive self-talk to change an attitude, opinion or behavior. The more you have done this, the more you know that sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

What makes the difference? Why are there times when you only need to say the affirmation once and your whole life changes? And yet you repeat other affirmations religiously for days, weeks, months and sometimes even years and nothing happens?

I believe that the difference between positive affirmations that work and those that don't are the underlying beliefs you hold regarding the topic at hand. If, for example, you want to experience a loving relationship and your underlying beliefs support the idea that you are lovable, then the door opens to allow a relationship in. If, however, you don't really believe that you are lovable, or worthy, or good enough, that belief will negate all the positive energy you expend to create a loving relationship.

It is interesting that negative beliefs don't stop us wanting or desiring something. It's also interesting that the belief is stronger than the desire. I think it's because our beliefs are much deeper, living as they do for the most part in our unconscious. They often come from our parents and our childhood experiences, particularly from our interpretation of those messages and experiences.

The best way to figure out if this is going on in your life is to make a list of those items you have 'actively' desired and that you still have not been able to create. Then, think about the beliefs you would need to have in order to support those desires. That's what I'm calling 'bolstering beliefs'.

The following exercise is a good way to get at the underlying negative beliefs in order to change them.

Draw a line down the middle of a piece of paper, dividing the page into two columns.
Choose one of the bolstering beliefs you've just identified. On the left hand side, write down that bolstering belief.
On the right hand side, write down the first thing that pops into your mind. Don't think about this. You will have an immediate thought. Just write it down.
On the left hand side, write down the bolstering belief.
On the right hand side, write down the first thing that pops into your mind.

Keep going back and forth between the two columns. Try not to stop before going on to either side: that is, don't 'think' about it, just let the process flow. The goal is not only to uncover the negative beliefs, but to get past them. So, once you've identified one underlying belief keep going. Others may come up. Continue until you end up writing the same belief on both sides of the paper -- and you believe it!

As you go through the process, you may need to modify the bolstering belief as pieces of your unconscious negative talk come through. For example, if your bolstering belief is "I deserve to make a lot of money" and you uncover the fact that you feel guilty about making more money than other members of your family, you might change it to "I deserve to make a lot of money, regardless of the financial situation of my family". Just keep the process going. You'll know when it feels 'finished'.

As a final note, if you start the process and find that you keep having the same 'first thought', just stick with it. When a belief is really strong (and most of these are, or you wouldn't be experiencing an inability to create what you want), it presents opposition to being exposed. Eventually, you'll relax with the process and other thoughts will surface. Remember to take a lot of slow deep breaths and I strongly urge you to do this longhand.

Related Quotes

"The thing always happens that you really believe in; and the belief in a thing makes it happen." - Frank Lloyd Wright

"Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact." - Henry James

"They can conquer who believe they can." - Virgil

"In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true or becomes true." - John Lilly

"One comes to believe whatever one repeats to oneself sufficiently often, whether the statement be true of false. It comes to be dominating thought in one's mind." - Robert Collier

"Every child is musical. Unfortunately this natural gift is squelched before it has time to develop. From my all life experience I remember being laughed at because my voice and the words I sang didn't please someone. My second grade teacher, Miss Stone would not let me sing with the rest of the class because she judged my voice as not musical and she said I threw the class off key. I believed her which led to the blockage of my appreciation of music and blocked my ability to write poetry. Fortunately at the age of 57 I had a significant emotional event which unblocked my ability to composed poetry which many people believe have lyrical qualities. " - Sidney Madwed

The Welcome Mat Guest Column:

Grasping Your Life With Both Hands
By Crystal N Woods

Did you know that before bullfighting there was a magnificent Cretan sport (ancient Minoan civilization) called bull-dancing? This is a fresco of it: http://www.dilos.com/region/crete/aaa04.html

The bull dancers were unarmed, but using the principles still known in martial arts, literally took the bull by the horns, using it's own strength to perform magnificent acrobatics harmlessly up and over the charging beast.

Do you ever feel your life is a bit like that charging bull? If you do, would you like to know how to "dance" it into a thing of grace and beauty?

The secret is in facing it, taking hold of the horns, and turning them to your advantage. Make your greatest threat a tool to propel you higher than you could go alone. Or, to put it another way, turn stumbling blocks into stepping stones.

This is what successful people of all walks of life already do. This is why so many self-made millionaires are from humble backgrounds. It's the attitude that they take: if they haven't got advantages, they're going to find them anywhere they can, and use them.

The next question is how?

What is the biggest threat in your life right now? Chances are it's something that seems like its going to bring change: a redundancy at work, a relationship breakdown, something else that you've assumed was stable suddenly seeming not quite so solid.

Now, take a look at the reasons why you are fearing this. Face the bull. Do you worry that you're not going to find another job/another partner? Why is that... are you really that unskilled or unlovable? Maybe this is exactly why the situation has come about - you need to address this belief. Maybe you're actually worth MORE than the old job was paying. Could it be that you've been forcing yourself to go to work at something you didn't like doing, and it's time for you to re-evaluate what you would enjoy doing better? Has the relationship degenerated into habit, and do you need to look again at just who the person is you've chosen to partner with? They won't be the same person as 10 years ago. Neither will you. Is it possible that you've grown in different directions, and need to stop holding each other back with outdated ideas of who you each are? Maybe you are now a better match, but in totally different areas.

Just think beyond the event you're facing - focus on the other side of the bull - and try to see just what is likely to change, and needs attention.

Now you're ready. Grab those horns. Make the changes before they're forced on you, on your OWN terms. Start looking at transfers to other departments you'd enjoy working in, interesting alternative companies, even at possible career changes to lines that have always intrigued you. Schedule some time with your partner to really communicate about how you've each changed, and what you each now bring to the relationship, and want to get from it (even if it is just supportive friendship). It's YOUR CHOICE at this stage. Make it, take it, and leap past the bull to the new life waiting for you on the other side.

Copyright © 2000 Crystal N Woods
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All That BIZ

Louise Morganti Kaelin is a Life Success Coach who partners with others to help them turn their dreams into reality.
Phone: 1-617-984-2868
Email: louise@touchpointcoaching.com
Web: http://touchpointcoaching.com
While you're there, register to win a free month of coaching.

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