Good. Better. Best. Which self do you want to be?

The 3-Minute Coach

October 23, 2000, Issue #7
Give Up Giving & Start Being Generous

Welcome to The 3-Minute Coach

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Have a joyous two weeks!

Louise

Food for Thought

"In the right light, at the right time, everything is extraordinary." --- Aaron Rose

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Ok, this isn't quite "Food for Thought", but the Italian in me couldn't resist it:

"Everything you see I owe to spaghetti." --- Sophia Loren

Keep It Simple

Mini Keepsakes, Mega Memories

Have you ever been sitting in your living room and looked at a shelf or table to find yourself staring at a carved toothpick holder from Niagara Falls? Is the look followed by this thought: "What the HECK was I thinking?" When on a trip or vacation, or doing anything that involves fun, we find ourselves buying reminders because we're afraid we won't remember the feeling. Very often, these reminders end up in the trash or the donation bin because they don't really fit our lifestyle. Before buying anything solely intended to remind you of a good time, try to picture it in your home. If it doesn't look right in your head, it's not going to look right in your living room.

Very small items can bring back the memories of those happy times. For instance, two things that I usually look for when traveling are magnets (which brighten up the side of our refrigerator) and key chains. I have a number of different chains interconnected that I use as a keyring. Both of these items are small, but I find that in the midst of doing every-day things, my eye catches one of them and I start smiling as the memories begin flowing. And while many other mementos have been thrown or given away, these items fit into my life perfectly.

Feature Article

Give up Giving & Start Being Generous!

Most of us grow up strongly influenced by the concept that "It is better to give than to receive". For many of us, it becomes more than a nice sentiment, but a way of being. We take it to heart so much that we interpret it literally, and that's where we often get ourselves into trouble!

That's often the problem with maxims. They're effective because they're short and to the point. However, it's assumed that the entire context and meaning is understood.

For example, "It's better to give than to receive" assumes that we understand that the balance of life, the joy of it, is in giving AND receiving. Many people need reminding that there is joy in both, but that the greater joy is in giving. It could be considered a mini-sermon to those that believe "Take care of yourself" means life is about them, that the universe and everything in it was created to satisfy their every whim. To me, "Take care of yourself" means making sure that your needs are given the same importance as everyone else's.

Even when we initially understand the original intent of a message, years of constant repetition tends to make us forget. Using our own experience and predisposition to guide us, we start creating our own context. For example, "It's better to give than to receive" could start meaning we should only give and never receive. This creates a whole series of life problems. I suspect that many people who interpret giving in this way find it difficult to succeed in business because they have trouble charging the correct price and end up giving product or service away. These are usually the same people who would never consider taking anything from someone else without paying full price.

Individuals who take this to the extreme also believe "Giving, goood. Receiving, baaaad." This now adds an element of judgment, not necessarily of other people's receiving (they do need someone to give to), but certainly of themselves. With a belief like that, taking or receiving of any kind, even their "fair share", creates an uncomfortable state of being. Receiving for them means they are "out of integrity" where "being in integrity" means your actions match your words match your beliefs. They are usually the first ones to offer aid, time, money, even their seat on a bus. It's just more comfortable to unload whatever they have received at the earliest opportunity and it is almost painful for them if they have something and someone around them is going without.

There are even deeper issues around giving-ness for many people. Although "chronic" givers usually say they don't want anything in return, the truth is they are deeply hurt when nothing is offered. They begin to feel used and abused. Resentments begin to pile up until one day there is a massive explosion. Of course, the guilt one feels after such an explosion often results in giving even more in an attempt to make up for the outburst. And it's not just guilt for the explosion itself, but for the very fact that they wanted something in the first place. Very often, there are major issues around self-esteem and deservingness involved here.

As individuals gain the awareness that life is also about receiving, they usually begin the process of healing. An issue that often surfaces at this point deals with their self-identity. Giving is so much a part of their nature that, when they first open themselves to the prospect of receiving, they feel that they have to make a choice. It appears that the only way to change their behavior is to stop doing what they are doing, to stop giving. But they like helping others, they prefer their loving and giving nature, it's who they ARE.

The solution, of course, is that they don't have to stop being who they are, they don't have to stop giving. They just have to allow themselves to start receiving!

One way to help make this shift is to stop thinking of yourself as a giver and to start thinking of yourself as being generous. These may appear the same at first, but there are some considerable differences between the two.

First, instead of saying "I am a giver" we say "I am generous". Being a giver (like any role we have in life) implies certain responsibilities and rules. It tends to restrict us in how we think about ourselves and often forces us to give way past the point where it is healthy. Being generous implies that we are a person who is able to share what we have. That there is plenty for me and you can have some too.

Giving can imply that there isn't enough to go around. Being generous comes from a place of abundance. You've all heard (and can relate to, I'm sure) the expression "Give til it hurts." To immediately feel the difference between the two concepts, try saying "Be generous til it hurts." I'm sure you have the same reaction that I do. It doesn't quite compute. It's an oxymoron and my face scrunches up as I try to put these words together. [Ok, it's not attractive, but it's how I know that my brain is working hard!]

Giving feels good, but being generous feels joyful. Giving often feels like a "should", while generosity is a gift from the heart. Giving is a "doing" while generosity is a "being". Giving is an action and generosity a trait. Giving seems to imply scarcity while generosity implies reserves. Giving is often about you while generosity shifts the focus to the receiver. Giving can often have strings, but generosity feels unconditional. Giving is one way, while generosity encompasses receiving as well. I'm sure you will come up with many more distinctions as you start thinking about this and applying it to your own life.

I have been "trying on" this concept for a few weeks now. I can only say that I feel a lightness that I haven't felt for a long time. As I write this, I am realizing that before this shift, giving felt like a compulsion. But being generous of spirit is a choice that I make freely, a gift from my heart that leaves me feeling whole.

Related Quotes

"Replace giving with generosity: Stop giving. Instead, let people partake of what you have available." -- Thomas Leonard

"The spirit in which a thing is given determines that in which the debt is acknowledged; it's the intention, not the face-value of the gift,that's weighed." -- Seneca

"Rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind." -- William Shakespeare

The Welcome Mat Guest Column:

The One Percent Solution!
By Philip E. Humbert, PhD

Many years ago, someone told me that the key to success is not doing something big or spectacular, but doing the little things extraordinarily well.

When we think of Olympic athletes, it's tempting to pretend that they are somehow "different". We tell ourselves they were born with incredible strength or unusual talent, or had training that we could never get for ourselves. We look at Michael Jordan in sports, or we compare ourselves to Barbra Streisand as an entertainer, and say, "I could never do that."

While there is truth in acknowledging their incredible talent, there is also a lie in pretending that because we don't have their genetic gifts, we are somehow excused from the necessity of doing our best. That is simply not true!

The vast majority of highly successful people, in any area of life, are simply those who worked a bit harder, stayed a bit longer, and did a bit more.

The highest paid people in any industry earn many times more than the average income. Is that because they are 100 times smarter? Are they 50 times more ambitious? Do they work 20 times harder or do they have more hours in a day? Of course not!

The highest paid, most successful people do the little things extremely well. They remember the details, acknowledge their friends, and they keep their promises. They return phone calls on time. They remember to say "Please" and "Thank You!", and they smile. They get to work just a bit earlier, make one or two more calls or stay just a bit later at the end of the day. The simple truth is this: They go the extra mile, and it makes a difference.

They take care of the "little things", and the difference is reflected in their paychecks!

What opportunities do you have to improve your performance by just 1 percent this week? It's call the "1 Percent Solution", and over time, it makes all the difference!
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Copyright © 2000 by Philip E. Humbert, PhD.
Website: http://www.philiphumbert.com
+++++ Visit Dr Humbert's website for over 250 pages of articles, Top 10 lists, humor, quotes, tips and tools for your success! There's a free book on making (and keeping!) more money, a FREE motivational newsletter, and "FREE SPEECH" - a resource you'll want to know about! Check it out at: http://www.philiphumbert.com

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