Fall is the time to let what is done be done,
to let go of what no longer serves you.

Sift through the bits and pieces of your life:
Commitments, roles, shoulds, projects, belongings…
like you would a beloved jewelry box
hold each piece up to the light.

Broken, tarnished, out-of-fashion, snarled in knots
these are not your requirements;
Instead, ask: Does this still serve my well-being?
May you be brave enough to allow the answers to surprise you.

—Author Unknown

(From Let’s Be Complete by Thomas Leonard)

In order to complete our past, it is necessary to be able to recognize the incompletions in our life. There are two elements to the identification process. The first is to identify the sensations and feelings that indicate that something is still unfinished for you:

Sensations/Feelings of:

• Pang of ____ (fill in the blank – guilt, remorse, regret)
• Shame: Strong feeling of embarrassment, can’t look at yourself or someone else straight in the eye, avoiding others
• Anger: Strong feelings of upset, rage, revenge
• Denial: Attempts to avoid conversation about the situation or person, but has “good reason” not to
• Sadness: Sorrow, tears, crying jags, holding out hope

The second step is to recognize the kinds of events that often do not get completed.

What is one incomplete about?

One can be incomplete about a number of things but most fall into the following categories:

• A Perpetration: An action you took that ran against what you knew or felt was right at the time, even if you have fully justified it and if no one caught you. Stealing money or misrepresenting are examples.
• A Withhold: Not telling the person against whom you perpetrated what you did and then making it right.
• A Step-over: Letting someone or a situation step over (intrude upon) your acceptable boundaries to the point of causing you pain or hurt. (A spouse who repeatedly gets upset, a co-worker who dominates, a friend in need who is draining you are examples.)
• An Inaction: Not taking an action when you felt you should have or could have, thus missing out on an opportunity or getting into a difficult situation that required some maneuvering out of.

Spending some time identifying incompletions and making a list of them is a great first step in completing your past. The next is to figure out what would make the event complete. And, of course, the third step is to take that action!

Past Experiences : What we did, didn’t do, should have done, did poorly or wrongly, is always with us in some way. In this section, you get clear with the past, doing what you can, and letting go of the rest. You are not your past, yet may still be living as if you are.

When clearing unresolved matters with the past, a person

• Feels free of what they’ve done, yet responsible for it all
• Can be with themselves, as they are today. No compensating.
• Is able to set their goals and reach them more easily

When you get clear, you

• Continue to repeat it in some new way.
• Respond to life’s unresolved matters, instead of flowing with it.

THE 10 STEPS TO CLEARING UNRESOLVED MATTERS
Mark each item as True or False, as it relates to you.

1. ____Develop strong compassion for yourself: “Get” that we always do our best, even when we know we aren’t.
2. ____Come to see how staying unresolved with someone or something in your past gives you unhealthy energy.
3. Come to recognize the 6 signs of being unresolved: Regret, Remorse, Shame, Anger, Denial, continuing Sadness.
4. Make a list of at least 50 things you are have unresolved and start working down that list until it is at zero!
5. Take the Clean Sweep Program and work it until above 95.
6. Make a list of the 10 actions you took against others or lies you told; then communicate them fully.
7. On your “clearing” conversations, expect nothing of the other person; it’s about you clearing, not their response.
8. Start doing “the maximum in work” in your tasks, conversations, actions, so that nothing comes back to bite you for 5 years.
9. With someone you really trust, share the 5 things about you that you feel worst about and/or are your biggest secrets.
10. Make 5 changes to prevent Unresolved Matters from occurring.

_____ Number of items marked True (10 max)

____________________________
From The Personal Foundation 100-Point Assessment developed by Thomas J. Leonard and Coach U, Inc. Modified by LMK.

All you gardeners out there know that deadheading a plant simply means to remove spent blossoms. Doing so usually forces out more side shoots and more flowers. It got me thinking about how I could apply that principle to my life. What ‘dead’ objects could I eliminate that would stimulate creativity or fresh energy in other areas?

A few of the things that came to mind for me? A sewing project that I haven’t worked on for 5 years, two books that I couldn’t get past the first chapter, a number of books on topics I am no longer interested in, folders of meeting notes from old jobs, inactive client folders in ‘current’ drawer. With each one that I discarded or moved to a different (backup) location, I felt a swirl of energy. I’ll let you know how it works

Like all great art, the individual Tarot cards tell a story. For some reason I woke up thinking about the 5 of Cups from the Morgan-Greer deck, my favorite deck because of the vivid coloring and imagery (unfortunately not captured in this scan).

This story is a simple one. The individual in the picture has 5 cups, three of which have spilt out on the ground. Seeing his hunched shoulders, one can feel his mourning for those cups and the lost joy they held.

However, what we can see and he cannot, are the two upright cups behind him. They are still full and still available to him. However, by his focus on the 3 spilt ones, he actually loses the joy of all 5.

I love this card because it is a poster child for “Completing the Past”. Whatever is lost, be grateful for the time you had it and let it go. Allow yourself to learn the lessons intended to be learnt and to come to terms with the fact that it is no longer in your life.

Then… TURN AROUND and SEIZE THE FULL CUPS. Focus all your love and attention on those joys still available in your life. Only in this way can you become your best self.

What past loss are you still grieving? What steps can you take to shift your focus away from the loss to what’s still there? Please share your experience.

I don’t even know what I was thinking about when it occurred to me that a car is a perfect analogy for life and for living life in wholeness.

There is a small rear-view mirror, which is the perfect size for viewing our past. Just enough to remember what we’ve learned from it, small enough that it doesn’t overwhelm our senses.

There is a large front window that helps us keep our eyes on what’s ahead, our future. There’s plenty of information there to help us plan for what’s coming up.

Then there is the driver — you — alert and conscious of what’s going on around you, a marvelous example of living in the present. By constantly responding to the various inputs and clues around us, we keep ourselves on target to reach our goal safely.

As you view your life as a car, pay attention to where you are not in sync with that vision. Do you keep your eyes glued to the rear view window, spending a lot of your time trying to recoup the past? Do you daydream and sometimes wonder ‘wow.. how did i get here?’, with no memory of the trip. Are you so glued to what’s down the road that you miss the truck coming from the right?

Take some time to think about this and let me know what you’ve figured out!

I often hear the expression “I forgive, but I don’t forget.” It sounds like a rational statement, an admission that we are smart enough that a person can’t take advantage of us more than once.

However, I firmly believe that if you haven’t forgotten, you most likely have not forgiven. When you have truly forgiven, as time goes by, the details become less prominent and fade away. It’s not that you never remember the person or incident, but it rarely comes to mind and when it does there is no emotional attachment.

I’m sure that if you think back to different events in your life, you’ll find you have personal evidence of this. Do you remember your first day of school? Seeing the doctor at age 10? How about that scoring touchdown in highschool? The day you met your current spouse?

My guess is that you went blank on the first two, but had an emotional response, gentle, but there, on the next two (or on similar positive memories).

The best good memories bring a smile to our face. The problem is the negative memory that evokes the pain and anger that you had at the time of the event, even if it was 20 years ago. These are the ones that still hold you in their grip, keeping you a victim.

Make a different choice today: Forgive AND forget. Let me know your thoughts on this, or if you need some guidance to help you through this process.

Today very quickly becomes yesterday. This week, last week. This year, last year. Before we know it, the present is the past.

As you know 3 of the 5 steps to wholeness are: Complete the Past, Plan for the Future, Live in the Present. One of the ways to live “in” the present is to complete it as we go.

Being complete means no left-over emotions. No anger, guilt, frustration left hanging around to pull the carpet out from under your feet in the future.

In fact, one of the best ways of completing the past is to have ROOM to complete the past by keeping the present complete.

So, what or who is pushing your buttons today? I suggest that you take the time to do the linked Complete the Past exercise, either the full letter or the postcard, depending on how strong and/or pervasive the negative feelings are.

Just a note about the exercise. There are 4 parts: expressing your negative feelings about a situation or person; expressing your positive feelings about a situation or person (if any); understanding how this experience helped shape who you are — the part you like about yourself — and expressing your gratitude (for the negative feelings). The final step is to burn the letter or postcard. I have directions for burning safely, but as I get more concerned about fire, I recommend people either use a 3×3 sticky that says “the letter I wrote my father” or even a cigarette that represents the letter. They burn much faster and much safer!

Exercise: Complete the Past

We’ve all had them… those AHA! moments when some piece of life-changing knowledge takes place. We suddenly realize (well, not so ‘suddenly’ as a rule!) that something that happened many years ago is still impacting us today. And with that realization comes freedom: freedom from the tyranny of the past; freedom to be truly present today, without guilt or fear; freedom to move into our future with joy and the power to create the reality we want.

Those are wonderful, exciting moments. It feels like you were just hit by a lightning bolt, and you were. However, that lightening bolt turns into a gentle rain that sends the new awareness into all aspects of your life.

Knowledge doesn’t happen in a silo. You can’t learn something that impacts your intimate relationships and not have its gentle touch impact your professional life as well. You can’t learn to accept support at work without allowing others to help you in all areas of your life. It just doesn’t work that way.

Sometimes, when a client has an aha! moment that comes out of a discussion of one area of their life, during closing they’ll say something like “That was great, next time let’s talk about finding a mate.” It’s sometimes hard to convince them that we just did! Even when it’s not immediately obvious, all learning impacts all other areas of our life.

I believe that’s true because many of the challenges we face in life are, in reality, additional opportunities to work through major life lessons. If your parents didn’t support you emotionally, you will encounter many others in your life who you think will give you support, but who disappoint you as well.

However, their actual role in your life is to help you work through that early experience. The first step is to forgive your parents, but the important liberating step is to understand how their behavior all those years ago shaped who you are today. Not the negative part, but a part or quality you are actually proud of. Once you can make that connection, you are well on your way to being grateful to those people, and THAT is total freedom from the past.

Just a note: becoming free from the past isn’t absolving people who did hurt you! They have to come to terms with their own behavior. The reason to do this work is for YOU, to free you from the negative experiences of the past so that you can create a wonderful tomorrow.

Release the people, places and things that don’t affirm who you are today. Finish whatever needs to be finished and make a conscious choice to not finish the rest. Heal what needs to be healed and move forward into today. If you are still talking about something that happened ten years ago, it DID affect you. Write a letter, make a phone call, confront the fear and the pain. Understand that the majority of people who negatively impacted your life by a thoughtless act or words were only doing the best they could at the time. For those few who maliciously and consciously hurt you, recognize their actions were a result of their experiences and beliefs about them and not about you. Don’t allow them to continue to hurt you today.