Click Here to Accept this Agreement
I was recently updating some software and I got the usual “Click here to accept this agreement” dialog box. As I clicked through 2 of these screens as quickly as is humanly possible, I found myself wondering where else I was accepting agreements without bothering to read or, worse, think about them.
So often, we give no thought to casual things we say or do, not fully understanding the scope of the agreement we’ve just made. “I’ll call you.” “I’ll take care of that.” “The un-communicated agreements we make in our various relationships.” I’m sure the list can be extended quite a bit and you have your own examples.
One of the best ways to figure out if you are indeed making unconscious agreements is to look at why people are ticked off at you, because so many of these agreements have to do with expectations. For many people, “I’ll call you” mean’s “I’m going to call you within a [defined] period of time.” It is not casual or idle conversation meaning “Someday, sometime, I’m gonna call you.” And so, when you don’t call as they think you promised you would, they get ticked at you.
When two people mean the same thing, cool. That works perfectly in that relationship. But if you are one of the “I’m gonna call you someday” people, saying “I’ll call you” to someone who takes that as a commitment, an agreement to communicate in the very near future, you are going to run into problems.
The best way around these unspoken agreements and expectations is to clearly define what you mean. If you mean tonight, say “I’m going to call you tonight”. If you mean sometime in the future, say “I don’t know when I’ll get a chance in the next few weeks, but I’ll call you when things settle down.” These are just examples, but you can see how you are setting different expectations.
Once YOU’VE definted what you mean, then stick to it, because, like it or not, you’ve just made a commitment. Just like the software company, once you’ve clicked to accept the agreement, you are responsible for meeting the expectations explicit in the agreement.
As you go through your week this week, pay special attention to where you are making unconscious agreements. If you are comfortable with where and when you are doing it, then you’re in a good place. If paying attention to these unspoken agreements makes you uncomfortable, then figure out how you are going to change the expectations you set with others.
Related Posts - You must believe in abundance for attraction to work! There are many people today who wish to live "in attraction". They understand that what they focus on, either good or bad, is what they...
- The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz I believe that one of my gifts is to distill information down to its simplest form to help make that information understandable by more people. ...
or 
November 11th, 2008 at 9:24 pm
I have to admit that I’m one of those people that tends to drop casual comments like “I’ll call you” or “Let’s get together” without serious thought or commitment. Most of the time it’s just an expression not unlike, “Hi, how are you?” as a way of ending an encounter or an impromptu meeting. I’m presuming that mutual expectations are low on both myself and the person to whom the remark is directed. However, if we stopped to think about it and took our “agreements” more seriously by actually making an appointment for further communication and thus a commitment to that person, I wonder how much richer our relationships and, in turn, how much fuller our lives might be.
November 12th, 2008 at 8:57 am
@rgail
You make several excellent points! And I agree that actually making a commitment to someone else would enrich your relationships.
What really struck me about your comment, though, was that you hit the nail on the head about “why” we say things like “I’ll call you” (at least for me and you!). It’s a way of bringing a conversation to a close in a graceful, friendly manner.
So, if you choose not to make a commitment to someone (or at least not one that you can keep), how do we end those encounters? I was thinking “It was lovely to [run in to you]] or [hear from you].” was good, but that leaves me hanging, feeling like I “should” say something that keeps the relationship alive. Would love to hear suggestions from others!
November 26th, 2008 at 7:09 am
Wow, hot new photo Louise. I love your new hair colour, it really suits you Coaching Queen!
Fantastic new blogg, full of rich content and deep insights. One thing I’ve learnt through our fantastic coaching sessions, is the power of integrity. There’s a tremendous release of energy when you make that call, meet with that person or just say “no”. The amount of energy I’ve wasted worrying, resisting or procrastinating, when I could have channeled that avoidance into action.
I know I say “I’ll call you” in the past without meaning it, so instead I leave the ball in their court. “Give me a call when you’re next in town” or “Send me an email with some dates and we’ll take it from there”. If you know you’re not going to do it, best not to say anything at all.
December 1st, 2008 at 1:12 pm
@Gabriella,
I like your suggestion. My not calling usually has nothing to do with the particular person, but more about time constraints (and the fact that I’m on the phone a whole lot anyway!). Doing it your way (“Give me a call when you’re next in town”), I believe, would work well. I’m still showing sincere interest in the person, but without the stress that my saying “I’ll call you.” gives me. Nice solution! Thanks for sharing it.
September 24th, 2009 at 9:04 am
I’m one of those people who takes all commitments very seriously. If I tell someone casually that I’ll call, then I do. However, I do this in a very limited manner. I’ve learned that to make any type of commitment and then fail to keep it can cause more harm than good. I know how it feels to have someone say, “I’ll call you, let’s get together, I want to have you and your husband over for dinner,” a reflection of insincerity. A person’s word is his or her honor no matter how big or small the commitment. I try to live by that.
Shelley DuPont´s last blog ..Do You Have the Write Ingredients?
September 25th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
Hi Shelley,
I’m glad you are clear about which type of person you are regarding commitments. Not only does it identify your personal standards on your actions and promises, it also obvious that you understand the difference that other people put on the very same words you use to make a commitment. I would think that could help you in living a more peaceful life, since you will tend to clarify intentions when other people say something casually, so you know whether to depend on it or not.
It’s a great way to ‘keep it simple’!